In this contest, you're going to list 5 things you'd change about vending machines. Not to make them better, necessarily. Just... oddly different. Your ideas for improvement will be (intentionally, *hint*hint*) not very practical.

For example, if the subject was lawn mowers, I'd make these changes:

1. Blades would be made of pressed egg shells. They're environmentally friendly, and self mulching.
   


2. Add a remote control, with built-in "randomizer" for wacky fun. Who know's where it'll go next?
   


3. Top-mounted blades. Turn it upside down to cut the lawn, or run it right side up for exciting helicopter action.
   


4. Add a Squirrel Radar to detect foreign objects ahead, and hunt them down with hilarious results.
   


5. Offer an optional quad-gastro attachment to process grass clippings. Fertilize while you mow!
   

We're looking for the most silly, impractical, improbable/impossible changes you can devise.

The rules of the game are thus: List 5 things you'd change about vending machines in a bizarre, strange, or funny way. Extra points for silliness. Keep in mind that profanity is not acceptable. As always, quality is a must, we will remove poor entries no matter how much we like you. You will have 5 days for this contest so make your submissions count.

Word guideline: 200