“Wolf, its over, we have you surrounded! Release the hostages and come out with your paws up!” Captain Goose shouted through her megaphone.
“Never! I’ll kill this pretty red wench and her decrepit granny first!”

Captain Goose shook her head. She knew he’d do it too. Wolf was a bloodthirsty predator. He was already wanted for a string of brutal murders. Something might’ve been done sooner had some juvenile delinquent not been prank calling the station claiming there was a murderous wolf lurking about his house every ten minutes. Ironic he and his family should be Wolf’s first victims.

By the time the bodies were found, Wolf had already moved on to his next victim, Little Bo Peep. She was found when an officer went to finally check out her call about her lost sheep. Her half eaten corpse was lying next to her broken staff. Apparently Wolf reunited Bo with her sheep…in his stomach.

That was bad, but it wasn’t anything compared to the brutality he inflicted on the three little pigs. He bashed in the doors of two of their houses and tortured them to death as they squealed for their lives. The third pig he waited to come out of his house to check his mail and then butchered him in broad daylight before screaming children.

This mad dog had to be put down, before he killed again. Captain Goose was not going to let anymore murder occur in her normally peaceful town.

“Alright, I’m here Goose. Let me handle this.” A voice said.

Captain Goose turned around and it was Jack, or Jack the Giant Killer as he was known. Great that was all she needed, a loose cannon who played by his own rules.

“Go home Jack! We don’t need this situation getting any worse with your down and dirty tactics!”
“Oh yeah right, it looks like you got the situation well in hand Goose. Stop talking with this murderer and let me go in there Captain!”
“No! You go storming in there and Wolf will kill Red and her grandmother!”
“They’re probably already dead and he’s just playing with us for kicks! I’m going in!”
“You do that and you’re off the force!”
“You said that before I killed the Giant!” Jack yelled and began to head back to his motorcycle.

Jack revved up his Harley.
“Don’t do it!” Goose said.

Jack stepped on the gas and sped towards the house. Wondering what all the yelling was outside, Wolf went over to the window just in time to see the motorcycle heading towards it. Wolf narrowly avoided being decapitated by the wheels when it crashed through. Wolf ran at Jack as he was attempting to recover from slamming into the wall. Wolf grabbed Jack and killed him with a quick bite to his throat, ripping it out.

Jack would be Wolf’s last victim as Goose and her officers stormed the house and shot him until his bullet ridden body fell to the ground with a metallic “clank”.

It was over.

“Captain, we found Red! She’s in the next room tied up and scared, but unharmed…the grandmother though…well it looks like Wolf already killed her long before we arrived.” Officer Hansel reported.
“Very well, call the meat wagon to pick up the bodies.” She sighed as she walked over to Jack’s body, while lighting up a cigarette.

“Damn it Jack. I tried to warn you that those stunts would get you killed one day. It’s like I’ve always said, this is real life…”

Goose took a puff of her cigarette.

“This ain’t no fairy tale.”

Snow White opened her eyes and gazed into Prince Charming’s deep blues. Enchanted by the handsome blonde, she leaned into her rescuer as he gently lifted her out of the glass coffin and carried her to his white steed. After seating the princess on the beast, Prince Charming prepared to mount the horse behind her.

“Uh, excuse me. Mr. Charming?” came a cheerful voice.

Prince Charming stopped and turned to acknowledge the speaker. He faced the dwarf named Happy, flanked by his six companions. In Happy’s hand was a brown clipboard holding several sheets of white parchment.

“Yes?” the prince inquired.

“Before you two ride off and live happily ever after, there is a small matter of expenses that needs to be taken care of,” Happy explained.

“Expenses?” Charming c*cked his head, puzzled.

“Yes. While Miss. White stayed with us we provided her with several meals and a place to sleep . While we typically don’t receive many visitors, based upon fair market value in this part of the kingdom I calculated the cost of room and board to be around 25 gold pieces.

“Furthermore, she entered into contract with us to provide maid service for a year. Included in that contract was an early termination fee of 50 gold pieces. I’m assuming Miss White will no longer require the job, and therefore owes us the aforementioned fee. Grumpy?”

Grumpy Dwarf stepped forward at the cue, taking the clipboard from Happy.

“Following Snow’s poisoning -- you don’t mind if I call her Snow?” Hearing no objection, Grumpy went on. “Following Snow’s poisoning, in order to protect the body and make her comfortable, Bashful and myself constructed the oak table and glass coffin you found her in. The cost for materials and labor came in at 130 gold. Lost wages resulting from the 24-hour vigil to watch over Snow’s body is estimated at another 80 gold pieces.”

“Who’s next?” Happy asked, retrieving the clipboard.

“That would be -- Ahh-ahh-choo -- me,” announced Sneezy. Blowing his nose, Sneezy added, “Dopey, Sleepy and myself have run a successful witch extermination business for several years now. You may have heard of us, the Witch Pitchers? We’re in the book.” He paused and let loose another sneeze. “Anyway, the Queen was what we refer to as a Witch, Rank 5, the highest ranking a witch can get. Our usual fee to exterminate a ‘fiver’ is 1,200 gold pieces. But seeing as how Miss White is a friend and former employee, we’ll offer you a fifty percent discount.”

Reviewing his list, Happy mentally added up the figures. “That comes to a grand total of 885 gold.”

“And that’s not including my bill,” chimed in Doc.

Prince Charming’s eyes widened at the thought of medical expenses. He paused to think before speaking.

“This is ridiculous. I’m not going to pay this.” He turned once again to his horse and the princess waiting patiently atop it.

“But Mr. Charming, these are legitimate expenses. Someone needs to be responsible.”

The prince addressed the dwarf one more time. “Look, Snow White and I are leaving. If you want to try and stop us you can, but I’m twice your size.”

“Yes,” Happy agreed. “But there are seven of us.”

“And we have pick-axes,” Grumpy added, as the group raised the wickedly pointed tools in their hands.

Charming surveyed the small mob. The scowls on their tiny, yet hardened faces left no mistaking that they were serious.

Reaching for his wallet, Prince Charming asked, “Do you guys accept Fantasyland Express?”

[Writer's Note: The asterisked word was intentional to circumvent the word filter. Prince Charming never "man-meats" his head.]

His father and the archduke spoke in hushed tones and glanced occasionally across the room at him. The young prince took no notice. His mind kept returning to the previous night and the gorgeous creature who had enraptured him for the entire evening. And his eyes never left the astonishing footwear cupped reverently in his hands. He had never seen its like. A perfect, petite slipper made of glass.

The sound of his name interrupted his reverie and brought him back to the present. With effort, he raised his head to face the king. "Yes, father?"

"This girl, the one with the crystal shoes, she is the only one you have any interest in?"

The prince held the shoe aloft so that it sparkled in the sunlight from the window. "It's glass, Father. And yes, I have no interest in any of the other gold-digging strumpets you chose to parade before me. This one was different."

The king sighed heavily. "Of course. And conveniently, she is the only one whose name we do not know. I have asked the archduke to devise a plan for finding her." He looked intently at his son. "You're sure about this?"

"Of course I am sure. You saw her, Father: that exquisite dress, finest silk, perfectly fitted to her form; the hair, flawlessly coiffed; the jewels, eye-catching, yet not ostentatious. It was as if she were magically accoutered, every piece a perfect fit. How lovely she looked as she glided across the ballroom floor. And the shoes, Father, the shoes definitely completed the ensemble. We simply must find her."

He was surprised to see a gleam in the king's eyes. Of course, the disappointment and sadness were still there, seemingly etched into his features. The young prince had become accustomed to that look in the last few years. But the unexpected glimmer gave him hope. He listened intently as the archduke revealed his strategy.

At its conclusion, the king and his advisor watched the prince, keen for his response. After a tense moment of silence, the young man burst out laughing. "Oh, you truly had me going. For a few minutes I actually believed you were serious!"

Watching the archduke's face, the prince quickly realized his error. The old advisor looked crestfallen. Feeling pity for the man, he spoke hurriedly. "Of course, you have the right of it, in general. I am sure that your duties to my father have not allowed you to pursue the trivial matters with which I am familiar. There are probably a hundred women in the kingdom of a size to wear this shoe. A fit will not guarantee that you have located the correct girl. However, if I may be so bold, I have an idea that may enhance your proposal. Instead of taking the shoe to each household, take someone who will instantly recognize her."

The old man had composed himself, but now looked questioningly at the prince. "Who can we trust to properly identify her, my lord?"

"Why, me of course! I shall accompany you on your grand tour."

The archduke and the king exchanged knowing looks and smiled. Moving his attention to his son, the king spoke expectantly. "And when you have found this girl, you will marry her?"

"Marry her?! Of course not, Father. But I certainly plan to find out where she shops. A pair of glass slippers would look fabulous on me, don’t you think?"

Hansel and Gretel listened to the witch scream her last as she burned away in the oven, never to cook children again. After rejoicing in their victory, Gretel said that it was time to go home. Hansel pointed out that they were still lost, as the trail of bread markers was gone. That’s why they came to the witch’s candy hut in the first place. That’s about the time they realized that they were in a hut made entirely of candy. All thought of returning home left their minds as they began to glut themselves on the bountiful sweets the witch had resided in.

Weeks later, both Hansel and Gretel had gorged themselves so entirely on sugar that they were wider than they were tall, and neither had a full set of teeth any longer. They were so out of shape that it became a struggle just to get up and move. Indeed, they were so fat, they were unable to even get up and run away when the bears found them.

----------

“But mommy, I’m hungry now,” said the little Bear.

“We have to let it cool off first,” the mother Bear said, making excuses for why it was inedible. The truth of the matter was that the porridge had run out, and she was actually cooking grass for the family, since they had nothing to eat.

The year had been particularly bad for the Bear family. Their oldest son had died at the hands of a hunter when he had been found eating a little girl in a red coat. A group of his wolf friends had pressured him into the attack. In addition to that, the hunting was bad, as the wolves had eaten all the pigs in the area. The Bears had been living on old stores of food, namely porridge, for weeks. The whole family was going gaunt, and their son was especially pale. They feared he wouldn’t live another winter.

With the threat of starvation looming, the Bears swallowed their pride and decided to go ask their neighbor, the witch, to help them. She lived in a candy hut after all, she must be able to spare a little.

The scene they found wasn’t what they were expecting. The house had been almost entirely eaten, with only the roof and several main support beams intact. In the middle sat two children so rotund it would be easier for them to roll than to walk. The Bears, thanking their lucky stars, made short work of both children. Their hunger was ameliorated after devouring the male child, so they took the female back to be stored for later consumption.

When they got home, the two parent Bears set to the laborious task of preserving the meat so it wouldn’t spoil. The little Bear started tugging on his Mother’s fur, complaining, “Somebody ate my porridge mama.”

“That’s good dear. Please, we are very busy, could you let us work for a while?” she responded. The little Bear disconsolately walked out of the storage basement.

Minutes later, he came back down and tugged on his mother’s fur again. “Mama, somebody broke my chair.”

“Of course they did dear, why don’t you go take a nap,” she replied. The little Bear did what he was told and trudged up the stairs to his room.

Yet again, he came back down the stairs and tugged on his mother’s fur. “Mama, there’s a little girl sleeping in my bed.”

Both the mother and father rushed up the stairs to find the third child of the day. They prayed in thankfulness to whoever was sending them these feasts; they would be able to survive for another winter.

The emperor marched in the procession under the beautiful canopy, and all who saw him in the street and out of the windows exclaimed: “Indeed, the emperor’s new suit is incomparable! What a long train he has! How well it fits him!” Nobody wished to let others know he saw nothing, for then he would have been unfit for his office or too stupid. Never emperor’s clothes were more admired.

“But he has nothing on at all,” said a little child at last. “Good heavens! Listen to the voice of an innocent child,” said the father, and one whispered to the other what the child had said. “But he has nothing on at all,” cried at last the whole people.

“Silence!” The voice of the emperor overpowered the crowd. Instantly, each man, woman, and child held their tongue. The emperor’s head slowly turned around, the hate in his eyes smoldering across the crowd. He turned as he located the little boy, shaking in his father’s arms. He spoke, his words emphasized by each step as he slammed his stocking feet on the dirt road. “I ::stomp:: AM ::stomp: YOUR ::stomp:: KING!” His last word echoed in the silence.

“I have made it known that these are the finest of clothes. If this little child cannot see that, then I deem him unworthy!” The veins in the emperor’s neck fought vainly against the skin. With his teeth clinched in unbridled anger, he reached out and grabbed the boy by the hair.

“You little urchin! How DARE you speak to your sovereign like that.” The boy’s father fell to his knees. Without removing his gaze from the child’s tearing eyes, the emperor yelled, “Captain!”

“Yes, Sire?” The tall man appeared as if from nowhere by his king’s side. Even if he wasn’t dressed in his uniform, the captain of the King’s Guard was well known throughout the countryside. His unwavering loyalty was legendary, but only second to his prowess with his sword.

Still shaking with rage, the Emperor shoved the small child in the direction of the Captain of his guard. “This…thing…is not worthy of being my subject and too stupid to live in my kingdom.”

The Captain grabbed the little boy as he tried to make his way back to his father.

“Off with his head.”

“Your Majesty!” The father pleaded. “He’s just a little boy! He meant you no harm!”

The emperor slowly turned and looked directly at the father.

“Captain?”

“Yes, Sire?”

“This one, too.”

The sharp sound of steel sliding out of its scabbard rang across the meadow.

The emperor’s new suit was breathtaking.

Once upon a time, east of the Sun and west of the Moon, there flourished a fair land named Erindale. Its denizens lacked for nothing, owing to the diligence of their king, Midas. He was a wise and thoughtful king who had perceived the folly of those rulers that maintained order by the assiduous slaughter and torture of enemy and subject alike. Midas knew better.

Nor would he urge his apothecaries to pursue such ephemera as the transmutation of base metals to gold. Instead, he financed them to find a cure for the common headache, a condition that afflicted both rich and poor alike. Indeed, a cure was found, a potion made most simply from a secret ingredient - the roots of the common willow. It brought in a pretty penny as ‘Hasperine’, so named after the Norse Goddess of Succor. The sale of this potion, for which Midas took a modest five percent, swelled the Royal coffers and made his apothecaries rich men.

Such was the Midas way with men and money that it was whispered abroad that all he touched turned to gold – a fact that was true in essence but not in actuality.

Miriam, his daughter, was wrought of the same mettle, a most comely admixture of practicality and passion. Fair she was, with hair of spun red-gold cascading over her flawless shoulders and skin as fresh as a dewdrop on an early morning rose. Suitors came, but all went, for in truth none of them attracted her.

Being the light in her father’s eyes, she was allowed to roamed freely with her maid Aradna. One day whilst riding near the marshes, Miriam heard a plaintive voice calling for help. She was amazed to discover its source as none other than a marsh frog, who declared:
“Fair princess, I am a mortal. An aspiring artist, I was turned into a frog by a wrathful witch who deemed her likeness too ugly. I can only be released by the kiss of one such as thee.”

Instantly the princess swept up the creature and deposited it in her purse. To his chagrin the frog was taken to the palace where both father and daughter, suspecting trickery, conducted a number of tests.

Eventually the frog, whose name it seems was Haldebert, found himself alone with the princess, though he was locked in a gilded cage. “Are you not going to kiss me!” he cried exasperated.

“Haldebert,” said the princess slowly, “cannot you see? Whereas a talking frog is worth a fortune, an aspiring artist is not.” She held up her hand to stem Haldebert’s indignant outburst. “Wait! Hear me out. Even now the word is spreading. Curiosity-seekers from afar travel to see you – and they shall pay for the privilege. What we ask of you is a simple contract for two years with a 50/50 split. Then you can regain your human form possessing the fortune of a prince.”

Haldebert pondered this; he was indeed no fool. “Mmmm...” he murmured cautiously, “...the witch intimated something of, er, conjugal rights...”
“Haldebert,” sighed the princess, “I am King Midas’s daughter! I cannot venture into such an arrangement without seeing the goods first.”
“Alright!” snapped Haldebert, “then it’s 60/40!”
“Done!” cried the princess.

Haldebert stared, most charmed by her acute wit.
But, already, Miriam was deep in thought, spinning off down the primrose paths of Potential and Possibility. Suddenly her face lit up and she queried: “Haldebert...?”
“Yes, sweet princess?” spoke Haldebert, whose manner had visibly softened.
Nibbling her bottom lip thoughtfully, the princess continued: “You don’t perchance happen to sing popular ballads as well, do you?”

It was right after I mauled the old woman to death in the wood cottage that it happened. I was throwing away what was not edible when my eye was drawn to a fabric on the ground that made everything perfectly clear to me. The source of my pent up rage became evident as I kept my eyes focused upon it. Below me was the reason behind my terrible habit of blowing down houses and eating the inhabitants.

I always figured society would condemn me and it built up all of this hatred inside of me which I had to unleash. So I picked on other people. I’ve killed shepherds and grandmothers by the dozen. I’m a big wolf, and I eat a lot. They always said I was a big bad wolf.

Well it’s not bad to dress in old woman’s clothing, is it?! It just feels so good over my fur, and I cannot help but where it. Sometimes I put on braziers and lipstick.

The pig brothers found out. I had to kill them. Word of my fantasy can never get out. I blew the pigs’ houses down and ate all three of them. I know that’s not what the papers said, but I swear I ate all three.

I slipped the gown on and went apply some of the old woman’s bright red lipstick when a knock came at the door. I realized who it was immediately and cursed myself for a fool. Of course that little girl in the hooded red cloak would be coming to see her grandmother. What else would she be doing skipping along the forest path and talking to big bad wolves? The fool I had been.

There was no time to harp on the stupidity of my actions, I had to hide the inedibles before the little girl came in. The knock came again as I cleaned up the bones and scalp and stuffed it all under the sink.

“Grandmother?” the little girl called, “Is that you?” That’s when the idea came to me. Perhaps I could pass for the grandmother. The little girl was terribly near sighted.

I closed the kitchen door and called for the girl to enter, drawing the robe around me. She walked in and somehow figured that something was amiss. Maybe it was the blood all over the floor, I don’t know, but she knew something.

“What a big nose you have grandmother,” she said slyly as she walked over to me. I ate her right then and there. She couldn’t know my secret. No one can ever know of my secret.

Except the woodsman, he can find out.

Grrrrrr.

“Yes, Your Highness. I’m sure we can help you, but I think you have to be prepared to pay a pretty large settlement.” The lawyer looked up from the papers on his desk, adjusting his spectacles.

“I can’t marry her,” the Prince reiterated. “I just can’t. It’s all a ghastly mistake.”

“Yes, yes, I know,” the lawyer intoned. “However, these days, young ladies do have more legal standing. It’s no good pleading to the judge that you should be allowed to break promises, simply because your Father is the King!”

“I know… I… well…” the Prince paused. He stood by the window looking out, seeking inspiration in the view, the lands of his Father’s Kingdom. The lands he would one day rule. “There’s no way she could one day be Queen!”

“I’m sure the people would take her to their hearts, Your Majesty.”

“How!?” spluttered the Prince. “Have you seen her!? She’s ugly! Really ugly! That nose, and those ears! There’s absolutely no way we could have her face on a coin. And can you imagine what the wedding portrait would look like?”

“Quite, Your Highness. However,” continued the lawyer, “you did make that proclamation…”

“Yes, yes,” interrupted the Prince. “But that was at the Ball. I’d had a few, you know.”

“Yes, Sire,” continued the lawyer, his calm tones stilling the Prince’s obvious distress. “But I think we’d be better served avoiding that particular defence. Now the young lady is suing for breach of promise, so we have to show the Court that no actual promise was made. Is there anything else, anything at all, which might help us show you did not promise to marry this girl?”

“Well, I certainly didn’t promise to marry her! She’s repulsive! And the size of a carthorse, to boot!” The Prince was on his feet again, angry.

The lawyer waited for the Prince to calm himself before continuing, “As you say, Sire. However, there are a number of witnesses whom I am led to believe will testify that you did indeed promise. They all heard you make your proclamation.”

“Indeed, but it’s all a terrible mistake… there is some mix-up over size. There’s no way that harridan could possibly..”

“Yes, Sire, but I understand the proclamation did not make clear who was the intended subject of the proposal . Why did you not make it clear, by name?”

“I didn’t know here name at that point!” the Prince was past angry now. He could see his future before him, living with some awful woman. “And her mother! If you can’t get this resolved, I shall have to leave. I will take an army and…” he trailed off, and slumped into the chair, defeated.

“It’s not over yet, your Majesty.” The lawyer returned to his notes. “Now remind me, Sire… what was the exact wording of your proclamation?”

“I would marry her whose foot this slipper would just fit.”

Once there was a Hare who used to laugh scornfully at a Tortoise because he plodded along so slowly. "You never can get anywhere with those short legs of yours. Look at my long legs! They're so swift no one would dare race me."

All the animals of field and forest were tired of hearing the Hare brag. At last the Tortoise said, "If we were to run a race, I'm sure I would beat you."

The animals were astonished for they knew the Tortoise was the slowest of them all, and the Hare, bursting into loud laughter, cried, "What a joke! That slowpoke thinks he can beat me! Come on, Mr. Tortoise, you shall see what my feet are made of. Why I can beat you before you are even half-started!"

"You'd better not be too sure," cautioned the Tortoise

All the big and little animals gathered to watch the race. At the signal the Hare leaped forward in a great bound and soon left the plodding Tortoise far behind him on the dusty road. Looking back, the Hare could not even see the Tortoise after a little while.

"Hum-m, I've as good as won this race already," the thought, "There's really no reason to hurry." So, as the sun was very warm, he decided to rest a bit under a shady tree. "I'll come in away ahead of that Tortoise, anyhow," he told himself.

Soon he was sound asleep. The little rest streched into a good long nap.

Shortly there after, the tortoise arrived in his chopper, jumped out, and drugged the rabbit, all the time laughing his strange tortoise laugh .The tortoise then went back to the race, and started plodding along. The hare, of course, did not wake up, and the tortoise made it to the finish line. Everyone cheered. When the tortoise went back to the hare, he found that the Hare had an allergic reaction to the mysterious drug, and died.

The tortoise whispered into the hare’s ear. “Slow and steady wins the race…foolish mortal.”

But that very night Rapunzel made a terrible mistake; she said to the witch “How is it that you take so long to climb up my hair? My prince is with me in a moment.”

In a fit of rage, the witch seized a pair of scissors and viciously lopped off Rapunzel’s hair. Then she grabbed her by the ears and, chanting a magic spell, cast her into a thorny desert.

Shortly after midnight, the prince arrived. He called out in his usual way:
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel,
Sweet and fair,
I am here,
Let down your hair.”

Down tumbled the tresses and up climbed the prince. What a shock he had! Instead of his beautiful young Rapunzel, he found a middle-aged woman staring back at him! She looked him over from head to toe. He trembled under her gaze, uncertain at his fate.

After a few moments, the witch reached her hand out. “Have no fear of me, young man, for I would do no harm to such a fine fellow as you.” Taking his hand, she led him to a nearby couch. “Sit here and share a drink with me. It is seldom that I have guests, and would appreciate the company.”

The prince did as he was bid and sat in a daze, all thoughts of Rapunzel fleeing from his mind. He accepted a glass of honey-gold liquid from her, and sat sipping at it as the witch chatted with him, though the first few mouthfuls caught in his throat.

In no time, he had drunk three glasses and his courage returned. At her prompting, he talked about himself, and being young and a prince, he began to brag. He told her how brave and strong he was, and how skilled at diplomacy.

She teased him about his strength. “How is it that you climb the tower so quickly, when it takes me so long?” she asked.

The prince jumped to his feet, a little unsteadily. “Let me show you,” he cried, ripping off his shirt. “These are a real man’s muscles,” he said, flexing and posing before her. The witch reached up and squeezed his bicep. She then stroked his cheek and whispered in his ear “My, how strong you are! I am sure I have not seen such a fine body before.”

At this the prince felt a rush of excitement, and, taking her about the waist, laughed “Let me show you how strong I am!” Thus, the night passed with much lively banter and play, and in the morning the prince, drained, but happy, could not bring himself to leave.

And so they lived together for many years. The witch taught him things he did not know and showed him marvels he had never imagined and he entertained her with his youth and vigour.

Eventually, the couple decided to travel the world. In so doing, they passed through a great thorny desert. There they chanced upon a mad-woman, walking in the blazing sun, her green eyes dim and her once-golden hair straggling at her waist.

When she saw him, she began weeping and wailing. “My prince, my prince! Have you come for me at last?” Something about her voice stirred a distant memory in the prince, but he pushed it aside. He looked at the mad-woman, then turned away.

“My prince, have you come for the twins?” the woman cried out to him. “For sons need their father with them.”

The prince looked back at her. “I don’t know you, hag, or any boys of which you speak.” With that he climbed into the coach with his witch and they continued on their travels, and lived happily ever after, never returning again to that desert.