Hello, McDonalds? Health Department here. We're collecting samples for lab testing today...

Hello, Merrill Lynch? I need some urgent advice on investing a lottery megajackpot. Sorry, I'm only free at noon.

Hello, Humane Society? I'm teaching a cooking class using urban wildlife; could you provide some carcasses?

Hello, I am Olu Kwande, personal secretary to the former treasurer of Nigeria, lately heartbreakingly devitalized in vehicle accident. I am desiring to trust under your care the sum of Thirty-Two million dollars, confidentially deposited in a financial institution which shall be later disclosed to you upon your offer of lunch.

Hello, mom?

Day 1) Go to your mother’s for Thanksgiving and fill up on pre-party snacks. Forget to bring your contribution.

Day 2) Swing by Mom’s on the way home from Black Friday shopping. Eat leftovers and listen to her rehash the argument she had with your sister at dinner the night before.

Day 3) Find the most amazing bargains while walking the mall with your sister. Take her side in the argument she had with your mother.

Day 4) While out running errands together, tell your mother she’s right about that argument she had with your sister.

Day 5) After being exiled by both your sister and mother, find fast food vouchers from three different restaurants and go collect your soon to be cold fries, sandwich and apple pie.

1) Tell the waiter you're having an affair with his wife. When he rings her up, that’s your chance to run.

2) Insist that there is a baby duck swimming in your soup. When the waiter looks, throw the soup into his face and run.

3) You could always break into the ventilation shaft in the toilet, crawl towards the entrance, break out of the shaft and run.

4) 'I just received an urgent phone call saying that my wife was in a terrible accident involving ice coffee and sugar cubes; I need to go to the hospital right away!

5) 'This food tastes like human!'

1) Go to a police station and steal all the food you can. If noticed, you'll probably get free food for months.

2) Tell every chain restaraunt you can that today is your birthday.

3) Ask for water at a fast food place. Empty the cup and fill it with condiment(s) of choice.

4) Sneak into a movie and take sips of the person sitting next to you's drink. Just say you have a "sugar low."

5) After eating at your favorite pizza place scream "This is NOT Chinese food!" to your waiter and storm out.

Hi I’m Chunky Sweater and this week’s top five are…

At 5 “Waiter there’s a shoe in my soup”

In at 4 “Waiter there’s another shoe in my main course”

Up one at 3 “There’s definitely something not right with this Dover sole”

Down to 2 is “Have you tasted this spaghetti? It tastes like….laces”

And this week’s number 1…

“Maître d' someone’s stole my shoes whilst I’ve been here. I demand a free lunch”.

5. Go to one of those “Eat the 76 oz. Sirloin and its Free” places with Rosie O’Donnell. Don’t forget to ask for desert.

4. If your name is Kevin Federline, get married.

3. Invite Jerry Lewis to lunch and show up in a wheel chair.

2. When the waiter brings you the check, go into a coughing fit and tell him, “I’m sorry, I just haven’t been right the last few days since I was diagnosed with bird flu.”

1. Two Words. Toe Jam.

1. Turn into a hat-and-bowtie wearing cartoon bear. Decide that morally speaking, you’re cool with stealing pic-a-nic baskets from families.

2. Steal Whopper container. Claim they screwed up your Whopper. When asked where it is, claim you dropped it and want a new one.

3. My book, “High School Economics Teachers Are Wrong and Stupid”, lists 501 ways in which there is such thing as a free lunch.

4. Instead of “paying for food,” think of it as “them paying free food for your money”.

5. Work at a fast food place and eat food when no one’s looking. It worked for me.

Join an Anorexia/Bulimia help group.

Beat the ducks to the bread and popcorn people through into the lake.

Snoop around in your office break room’s fridge. The bag marked “Stan” usually has the best cookies.

Tell a somewhat dim friend it’s your birthday; being a good friend they will offer to buy you lunch. (Note: This only works a few times a week.)

Travel back in time and stop Eve from eating the apple. With luck, God won't know the difference, and in the year 2005 “The Garden of Eden” will continue to be the only free restaurant in history.

5. Point up in the sky and shout: "holy crap! look at that bird!" then run.

4. Point towards some total strangers and say that they are your friends and will pay.

3. Own a restaurant.

2. Put on any Britney Spears songs on a very high volume, soon you will notice that everyone has left and the food is yours to take. NOTE! DO NOT FORGET EARPLUGS!

1. When they want you to pay, tell them that you own the restaurant chain, when they tell you to prove it, show them the documents you photoshopped for this.

1) Become a hobo and do odd jobs for kind old widows.

2) Ask your buddy to spot you lunch money. Cry if he refuses.

3) Find a cat (try the kind old widow's house). Use your imagination.

4) Stop a third-grader and demand he hand over his lunch. Cry if he refuses.

5) Endear yourself to the pantheon of your choice. You'll never want for ambrosia/roast boar/babaganoush again.