Dear Sir,

I am writing to express my dissatisfaction with your present delivery service.

My first complaint concerns the way your representative entered our residence. My wife and I waited for him for a considerable amount of time; however, we soon became impatient and went to bed. I was almost asleep when there arose such a clatter on our roof, I got very startled and it woke up my wife. We rushed downstairs only to find your representative emerging from our fireplace, covered in soot. If he had trouble locating our doorbell, he could have come back at another time rather than taking it upon himself to enter via the chimney.

I must say, I was taken aback by the appearance of the man you sent. His clothing was worn and he had a long beard and hair – do you normally employ unkempt homeless people at your company? Also, with his twinkling eyes, rosy red cheeks and a nose like a cherry, I have reason to believe he had been drinking earlier that night. My three kids were awake by this time, and came downstairs to investigate the ruckus. When your representative saw the youngsters, he shouted “Ho ho ho!” – They giggled, but I was shocked that a professional serviceman would use such foul language in the company of children.

After setting the packages under our tree, he proceeded to help himself to the cookies and milk we set out in preparation for our party the next day. As he prepared to leave, he made a pass at my wife with a nod and a wink, and then went back up the chimney. Our family just stood there in shock at the unorthodox and unprofessional display that was put on before us.

I would not consider your delivery service in the future, and rather opt for our old company. We have never had this much trouble with FedEx.

Regards,

Frank McFloyd

Dear Mr. Claus:

A warning. Last year you did it again, expressly against our wishes; however, you will not this year or ever—and let me emphasize the word ever --bring our daughters one more toy—or gift—or trinket--or anything at all. My intent is to make it perfectly clear that I am prepared to take action (yes, physical action) against you if you disregard my wishes. And believe me, I will do it.

We are, as I have communicated to you before, attempting to raise our girls with a strong value system, which you are undermining. It is impossible to continue to moralize against materialism when you simply deliver everything they ask for—and more. Whatever happened to patiently saving and working toward those things one really needs, let alone wants? Evidently it’s not a Santa-sanctioned idea, as under the tree last year was what must have been one of everything sold at FAO Schwartz.

We are also attempting to teach our girls to think rationally. It is irresponsible to allow them to think that a fat man in a red suit squeezes down one’s chimney bringing gifts—especially when he is bringing gifts to all the children of the world on the same night. I have attempted to point out the impossibility of this scenario to our daughters, but they simply ask, “So how do the toys get there? Do you buy them for us?” I’m tempted to lie and tell them I do buy the toys, but, of course, that would be morally reprehensible.

I failed to stay awake long enough to catch you last year; this year there will be no dozing. I will face you like a man and send you packing without giving you an opportunity to leave as much as a miniature candy cane. I would only resort to violence if I thought my children were in harm’s way, and you, sir, are causing my children untold harm.

So, again, I will speak directly; do not stop by 456 Ash Avenue—not this Christmas Eve or any Christmas Eve in the future. Let a word to the wise be sufficient.

Sincerely,

Clifford Tully
Father of Hilda Sue and Natasha

p.s. You may feel free to ignore the body of this letter if you are able to deliver, to the driveway at the address given above, a 2006 black on black BMW M3 with the sports performance package including 17” alloy wheels, fully adjustable Bilstein coil-over suspension, sport performance tires and . . . oh, yes a Dinan performance chip would be the icing on the . . . Christmas cookie.

Most Venerable Saint Nicholas:

May the blessings of the season be upon you and your household. It is with heavy heart that I bring quill to parchment to compose this missive. And indeed, you may take the fact that I am writing this myself as a sign of the gravity of my concern.

Alas, Nicholas, I fear you have forgotten your humble roots. And for this I feel you are not entirely to blame. For what man could remember who he is when referred to so variably across the nations? Whether it is Santa Claus, Weinachtsmann, Pere Noel, Joulupukki, or Kris Cringle, the truth remains that you are, in fact, Saint Nicholas. You are the Patron Saint of Society and City. You resurrected those three unfortunate youngsters who were murdered and stashed away in barrels of brine. You are a Saint.

I am afraid, however, that your behavior of late does not befit one of your stature. And again, it is hard to place blame squarely on your broad and capable shoulders. After all, much of the civilized world sees you largely as an image popularized by a multinational soda manufacturer. You must remember these outer trappings are merely illusory. What should be more important is the idea you represent. But, again, I fear the pervasive sea of commercialism is mercilessly drowning this message.

The pagan holiday of Halloween now marks the commencement of the season that you have come to represent. And from that unholy day through the blessed day of the birth of the Son of our Lord, millions find meaning in nothing but unfettered spending. They have confused giving for caring and the meaning of Christmas has been lost.

So what, you may ponder, is the reason for this fateful communiqué? I implore you: please return to your roots. Take a hiatus. Many will revolt and change will come slowly. But I fear it is only with your disappearance that the holiday season will regain some meaning.

Sincerely,

The Holy See
Pope Benedictus XVI
Joseph Ratzinger

Dear Santa,

Mama always said be careful what you wish for. She was right. Hindsight is always 20-20, and in retrospect, I realize that I wasn’t nearly as specific as I should have been about last year’s wish list. Hey, I was going through a rough break-up, what do you expect? But when I wished to lose 15 pounds, live in wealth, and find a new man, I never knew that you’d grant my wish, and especially not like this.

First off, the fifteen pounds. I’m sure you thought it was hilarious to watch me from the North Pole go through that two weeks of stomach flu so severe, I could barely keep down watered down lime jello. I can think of several places on your body I’d love to shove that North Pole, because leaving me so weak that I find out from the doctor treating me from dehydration that I’ve lost weight was a cruel, cruel trick.

I’m not sure ending my long tenure of unemployment scrubbing toilets at a bank qualifies as “living in wealth”, but I’m not amused by that one, either.

But the real kicker, the one that angers me the most, is the “new man” in my life. Yesterday I had a long chat with my lawyer about restraining orders. At first the flowers showing up on my doorstep was cute, but when they started getting sent to the Starbucks where I get my morning coffee, it was a little creepy. The photos of every male friend I’ve ever had with detailed letters explaining their flaws started to scare me. Laying down behind my car begging me to marry him? Well, I’m sure you heard what I told him even from where you are.

So this year, Santa, I beg you to please, please don’t send me anything. My therapist has already said that if I continue to blame my bad luck on you, I’m going to need to be referred to someone else. Or institutionalized. Or both.

Sincerely,

That blonde chick that Tom dumped last year

Dear Santa,

I don’t know if it was Dasher or Dancer, Comet or Cupid, Donner or one of the other ones, but when you were here last Christmas one of them ate my little brother Randy, leaving only a few bones behind.

I know he shouldn’t have snuck downstairs to see you, but he was excited and didn’t know any better. He was only four years old. He just wanted to see the reindeer. Mom is still trying to get the blood stains and brain tissue out of the carpet.

Also, I think another one pooped on the Christmas tree. Reindeer poop is big. I know they are just animals and they are not housebroken, but that’s just gross, Santa. That tree was for Jesus. And how did you get them down the chimney anyway?

Oh, and if I leave cookies and milk out for you, could you try to make sure you eat and drink just the cookies and the milk? My dad was kind of mad when he found out you drank all of his beer and the last of his whiskey. You’re lucky you didn’t run into a plane or a mountain or anything. My dad says you’re not supposed to drive when you’re drunk. He says that’s how people die. He says that most people don’t die from being mauled by reindeer. He also says he’s going to shoot you in your fat red ass the next time you drop down the chimney, so you should probably wear a vest and pack some heat or something.

For Christmas this year, can you please bring Randy back? We really miss him a lot. Mommy cries all the time now, and Daddy is never around. Oh, and can I also have the Supermegapowernuker2000 with the reverse power grip and hair-trigger response? That would be sweet.

Thank you,

-Kenny Newman (12 years old)

To: Mr S. Claus
Manager
Christmas Mail Order Service
North Pole

Dear Mr Claus,

I am regular customer, and in previous years I have been fairly satisfied with your service. This year however, I have a number of issues that I feel are very unsatisfactory in regards to your service.

Firstly I find your time-keeping skills highly unacceptable. I expected delivery of my order within the first 5 minutes of Christmas morning, and yet when I checked at 2am to see if it had been received there was still no sign of my order. In fact I believe it wasn’t until nearer to 4am that you finally decided to deliver, as I was woken by what sounded like hooves stamping on my roof! I would like to remind you this is the 21st Century – I think some sort of update in transport from that of animal-drawn might be appropriate. You might then also no longer feel the need raid my fridge to steal carrots for your reindeer. I understand that your delivery pricing is low and therefore perhaps think that fuel costs also need covering, but I hardly think it acceptable to waste several carrots by only one bite being eaten from each, when one carrot would have been sufficient had it been shared!

I would also like to draw your attention to the large number of socks I already have in my possession, and ask if you think I actually required any more. I certainly do not recall ordering these, and if I had they would certainly not have been in bright colours featuring cartoon characters and “cute” little animals! Perhaps you are suffering some sort of visual impairment and read “socks” where I had in fact written “Television Set” which I was very disappointed to discover you failed to deliver! I was also most unimpressed to discover the CD-ROMs you sent were mostly last year’s editions and not the most up-to-date versions.

I am also very upset at the muddy footprints and mince pie crumbs you left on my new white carpet. I feel it is your responsibility to reimburse costs incurred in hiring carpet-cleaning services, and you therefore will be receiving the bill in due course.

Another matter that I would like to take this opportunity to bring to your attention is that I believe you employ only people of short stature and that you refer to these people as “elves”. Not only is such naming very un-politically correct, but also I feel it is also discriminatory against people of a taller nature who would be just as able to carry out the tasks required in your factories and offices!

Finally I feel in the modern world it is very unsatisfactory that you do not have an online ordering service or even an email contact address as most other services of your type provide.

I expect to see an improvement in your service and I would like your assurance that these things will be rectified in the near future, otherwise next year I may take my custom elsewhere.

Yours Sincerely,

H. Berrie.

Dear Mr. Claus,

I would like to express my dissatisfaction with your services this past year. As compared to other years, I feel as if you have provided fewer toys and games than ever. Of course, knowing you, this came as a bit of a shock to me! As a fan of your work, I would like to give you some advice, so as to increase your efficiency for the coming year.

First, I would like to address my issues with quantity. I was surprised to find only three layers' worth of gifts under the Christmas tree last year--three! Now, I understand that with the world's population increasing exponentially every year, you can't possibly carry all of those toys efficiently with only your reindeer. My suggestion is the use of several sleighs, possibly one per continent. This way, the eight alloted reindeer to each team will be more than enough to carry an abundance of gifts for every child in the world! I would hope that you would have no trouble staffing each team; I'm sure that Mrs. Claus and a few of the elves would be glad to help.

Second, I would like to express my concern with the quality of your gifts as of late. Last year, I was appalled to find a Gamesystem 64 under the tree. As I'm sure you're aware, the Gamesphere, the next generation in video gaming, is already into its autumn years, and people around the globe are anticipating the release of an even newer system. From this, I have deducted that your budget is simply unable to meet demands, and you have been forced to provide sub-par gifts. Might I recommend fundraisers in some of the world's larger cities to increase your budget? Holding charity events for your cause in places like London, New York City, and Paris would allow you to provide only the finest in gifts to the world.

I look forward to this year, and I hope that my ideas will help to make this Christmas the best one yet! If you have any questions, feel free to contact me via fax or phone.

Regards,
Little Jimmy

Dear Santa,

I have a bone to pick with you. Where do you get off sending me the whole first season of the Brady Bunch when I specifically asked for the whole first season of Friends? Did Mrs. Clause do this? What did my letter to you last year say about having that woman help with the Christmas lists?! I’m telling you, she’s incompetent! I think all that silver hair dye she uses is sinking in!

I have been good all year. I’ve been helping my little brother with his homework and everything. Of course, Mom says it’s my fault he’s failing, but I never told him I knew how to do that kind of math! And, just yesterday, after Dad was done flushing his radiator of that green water, I figured why waste good water, and I left it out for the neighborhood cats. Am I not being the perfect citizen?

When I was younger I got everything I asked for. What’s going on over there? Do you need help? I’d be willing to come and help you towards the end of the year (for a six figure income) to make sure your operation runs a little more smoothly. Maybe you need to fire those elves and hire some Oompa Loompas. They really seemed to bust their rump for Charlie. Working all hours of the night and day. Plus, they sing! What could be more festive than that?

You really need to give my suggestions some thought. People are going to stop believing in you if you don’t straighten up your act.

Oh, and just so you know, I’ve sent the DVD back to you. Maybe you and Mrs. Clause can hang around and watch it while you screw up some more Christmas lists for next year.

Ba Humbug-
Suzy

MR. SANTA CLAUS JANUARY 6,2006
UNKNOWN ADDRESS, NORTH POLE ALBERT EINSTEIN SOCIETY
NORTH AMERICAN CONTINENT POST OFFICE BOX 638
CH-3000 BERN 8
CH-3000 Bern 8

Dear Mr. Claus,

As this new year dawns on us, We,as members of the
Albert Einstein Society must once again make a complaint
to your person.

Once again you have failed to comply with the Laws of
Science as well as the Laws of the Universe.

Continued violations of the Time and Space Continium,
The Laws of Relativity and the Laws of Sir Issac Newton,
leave the Albert Einstein Society no choice but to sue
you within the Laws of the Land and Society.

As such, Please find enclosed a sub-peona to appear in
Court on April 1,2006.

You should prepare to explain exactly how you can make
Reindeer Fly, including the one named Rudolph with a
nose so bright,( Really? A Glowing Nose?).

In addition, How You can fit down a Chimney that is
obviously to small for your person.

There will also be discussion on Elves as to how they
can violate the rules of the Universe and make Toys
plentiful enough for all Good Little Boys and Girls.

Please take note of the Time and Place of this Civil
Action (Located on Page 2) as the Judge (Judge Judy)does
not like to be kept waiting and will rule in our Favor
if you do not Appear.

We will be seeking the maximum Civil Penalty Award
that is allowed by the State Of New York and The
Governing Bodies of All Other Countries Appearing.

We Remain Respectfully,
Albert Einstein Society

CC:April's Fool Society

Dear Santa

After several years of silence regarding your (lack of) service around Christmas, I can no longer hold my peace.

I have for about five years now, asked for a monkey for Christmas. No orangutan or anything, just a monkey. Any monkey.
I have during these five years been good, obedient and very aware of that any mischief on my behalf would make me less "monkeyworthy", hence I have caused none.

Nevertheless, in spite of my efforts to oblige you, I have met no compliance what so ever.
Instead you mock me, Christmas after Christmas with your fake gifts: porcelain monkeys, monkey posters, teddy bears altered to resemble chimpanzees.

I'm telling you Mr. Santa Claus, if you stumble in, half drunk with that old sack (which you, by the way, must have stolen from our attic) this Christmas once again, carrying no primate of any sort, I will have no other choice than to remove you from office.
This I will do by informing your superiors about your sloppiness, contempt and lack of responsibility for hard working children such as myself.
Your superiors being mom and grandma of course. I saw what they did to you last year after you staggered into our Christmas tree and knocked my cousin Clint unconscious.

I am truly sorry that this letter sounds like a threat, but it is one.
Meet my demands or face my mother (and her mother).

1. Bring me a monkey on Christmas Eve. No stuffed non-living crap, a live one.

2. Try to behave and walk straight. Mom gets real mad if you don't and Clint is kind of scared that you will knock him out again.

3. My monkey will need a cage or some sort of residence, please bring one along aswell. If it doesn't fit in the bag or in the sleigh, just leave instructions to where it is and my dad will pick it up after you've left.

There. Comply with these requirements and no further steps will be taken to overthrow your drunken dictatorship.
However, if you dissapoint me again, I promise you, it won't be solely eggnog you're drinking next time you hand me your phony presents.

Yes, I have been good, but I am about to go very, very bad.

Sincerely

Francis