“Okay, everyone. A potential ‘John’ is approaching Officer Sanchez. He’s driving a . . . now that’s unusual . . . a reindeer pulled sleigh. He’s wearing a heavy red coat . . . rather elderly. Old guys have needs, too, I guess. Wait! He’s showing her the money. Let’s move! Out.”

Reclined in Dad’s chair sat St Nick,
Sipping beer while watching a flick,
He took off his stocking,
And his blisters began popping,
With Mom’s Christmas co[nf]cktail sticks!

They say, “He sees you when you’re sleeping.” Well, he did, and I sleep in the nude! The peeping tom then had the nerve to leave a membership to the local gym as my present under the tree. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

Grounded on Christmas Day! Bummer! Why? Because Dad found the computer’s history riddled with porn sites. Sites he presumed I visited. But I saw who did it! I told them! Did they believe me? No. They just kept saying, “Billy, you’re too old to believe in Santa Claus.”

I ran down the stairwell as fast as I could, hoping to finally see Santa. Halfway down the stairs I saw Santa pouring gasoline over our Christmas tree. Then, he threw the can of gas aside and pulled a lighter out from his pocket.
...
The firemen didn’t believe me.

“…and you remember the cookies and milk we left out for him? Well, he fed them one by one to the dog; poured the milk in the cat’s dish, and then he helped himself to a scotch from the sideboard! That settles it, he’s definitely our Dad.”

A full bladder rudely interrupted my peaceful Christmas Eve sleep. In heeding nature’s call, I turned on the bathroom light. Imagine my shock to find Santa on his knees, tightly clutching my brand new toothbrush. Disgust overcame me with the realization that he was cleaning the toilet with it!

Stuck up the chimney he sighed,
Surrounded by remains of mince pies,
Not content to eat one,
He’d eaten a ton,
Now the chimney had shrunk... ‘HELP!’ he cried.

Jimmy awoke in anticipation to see what Santa had left for him on Christmas morning. However, once he rushed downstairs, he found his milk and cookies untouched... next to Daddy’s empty bottle of Jack Daniels. A small note attached to the label simply stated, “Party on, Dudes!”

Woodville, PA – A Christmas Eve vandal has left his mark on several local businesses. The exclusively red and green graffiti proclaimed phrases such as “Elvz Rule!” and “E. Bunny Suckz!” The only clue to the spray paint artist’s identity is the initials "S. C." signed on each work.