5. Beauty pageant contestants would be required to produce an un-retouched photo of themselves for the “How I Look First Thing In the Morning” portion of the competition.

4. Mayonnaise would taste exactly the same yet have no calories.

3. Every movie would be pre-rated by 1000 smart, cool people (like us at Worth1000) before being permitted release in a public theatre. That way you’d be assured of never losing your eight bucks, or two hours of your life, to something like Howard The Duck ever again.

2. All toilet paper would be “medium” – meaning not so course that it's uncomfortable to your rump, but not so soft that it crumbles and falls apart when you wipe your arse with it.

1. Every adult would be required to produce a “Truth About Marriage to Me” document on his or her first date with you. It would provide info that you’d otherwise never learn about your possible future with him/her.

Examples: “My name is James, and I’m 42. If you marry me, I will expect you to iron my boxers. Also, I will cuss all freakin’ day long, even though I’ll speak like a perfect gentleman the entire time we’re dating.”

Or “I’m Mona, and I’m 19. Sure, I’m all cute and sweet now, but in twenty years I’m gonna nag the hell out of you and make you wish you lived with your momma.”
Or “Todd. 23. And I can guarantee you that I’m not your Mr. Right.”

1 ... I would equip all cars with a robust rubber surface: If I hit something, my car bounces back into shape. Scratches impossible. Great for snow sliding, too: From the roof, via the front screen, down the hood.

2 ... I would be allowed to test new colleagues for their sense of humor before they're employed. If they don't know how to exaggerate, they're out. If they can't roll their eyes, throw up their hands, throw something against the wall, and laugh at themselves a minute later, they're out.

3 ... steak would grow on trees, hot, sizzling, and spicy. No more need to slaughter animals, no more scope to fry the bloody things too long. No more cleaning of greasy pans. I'd pull up a few rosemary boughs growing nearby, to give a special touch every now and then.

4 ... dirt would vanish at a murmur, low and throaty. Something like "Be Gone", without having to open the eyes. Preferably without moving from bed. If I wriggle a toe at the same time, the floor will be clean. If I lift an eyebrow, the windows will shine. If I shake my head, the drain will be free from hair.

5 ... insurance companies and tax consultants would start to speak a language I can understand. On top of that, they's be compulsively honest. Every form I fill in will be rewarded with 500$ for the time and energy I had to invest.

1. All television sets should be designed in such a manner that nothing can be inserted into their speakers. This will prevent children from misunderstanding the small openings as some sort of challenge to see what can be shoved into them successfully.

2. Games designed to create and/or encourage noise should only be purchaseable by the parent of the child they are intended for. No more watching your child squeal with glee at grandma's gift of a firetruck with "realistic" siren that can be heard three blocks away and will randomly go off at two in the morning.

3. There should be a device that puts a forcefield around pets that automatically repels anyone below the age of 12. This is to protect both child and pet in situations such as when the child would like very much for Fluffy to just remain still and allow hismelf to be used as a pillow.

4. Every surface in the home should be immune to the following substances: peanut butter, chocolate, gum, melted sugar, urine, and vomit. This simple change will save mothers everywhere hundreds of cleaning hours every year.

5. Children should be equipped with an off switch for those times when the parent would like to use the phone, take a nap, or use the restroom without the accompaniment of one or more children. This switch would put the child in a rest state, similar to sleeping.

1. All pedestrian crossings would be replaced with conveyor-belt style bridges, or short ski lifts, because not only would that be a lot more fun, but it would avoid the traffic being stopped too.

2. All the chairs in world (excluding armchairs and sofas) would be replaced with swivel chairs, just to make things a little more fun. All businesses and firms would then be obligated to make sure their chairs stay properly swivel-y.

3. Regular cars would all be replaced with bumper cars, thereby making actual car crashes impossible and creating a safe channel for the release of road rage. The age of being allowed to drive legally could then safely be lowered to six years.

4. All doorways would have two linings that you could switch around; a springy one for summer and a magnetic one for winter. This would mean that if people slammed doors in summer they would bounce back open, letting it stay cool indoors, and if in winter people didn’t shut the door properly, it would shut itself.

5. All computers would come with a manual that says ‘If it starts to go wrong, hit it. If that fails, take it back and complain until someone who actually understands these things fixes it.’ because that’s what most people do anyway. Also, the part explaining how to set it up right in the first place should be removed since it’s a waste of paper- hardly anyone looks at the manual until after it goes wrong.

1. I would invent water displacement machine. Henceforth, when waters exceed flood stage, one end of it would be placed in the flood waters, with immediate flow at the other end situated in one of the earth’s drought savaged areas. The connection, of course, would be through The Internet.
2. Cars would all have an “ECON” button that immediately adds 10 mpg to the fuel economy. Large SUVs would add 20 mpg.
3. All “hip-hop” stars would be required to take a remedial English course and rewrite their soliloquies. Passages considered obscene would result in the creator to be beaten with a wet noodle. Publicly.
4. The dozen egg container would now sense when the dozen has been reduced to one and immediately email, IM, or text message the owner of the refrigerator to remind them to buy more eggs.
5. Inordertoassurethatwordlimitsareignored, spacesbetweenwordswillbeeliminated

1. I would introduce inter-city roller coasters. As well as being more environmentally friendly, it would make getting up to go to work something to look forward to.
2. Your working day would actually only be half an hour long and you would only have 1 working day a week. Your week's pay however would actually rise to double your current amount. (And you could spend the rest of the week travelling on the coaster just for fun!)
3. When withdrawing your money from an ATM, you would always have the option of receiving your money in chocolate coins instead of real money. Not as valuable but much tastier! If you could resist eating them first, you would also be able to use them at casinos – any winnings would be split so that half was paid in real money, the rest in more chocolate coins.
4. When shopping for food online, you would no longer have to wait for it to be delivered. Instead you’d simply have to find a picture of the food you want and print it out to your newly invented food-printer that prints out food rather than paper. A more-expensive model would also cook your food for you.
5. Once a year everyone would be able to visit any country in the world (or another place within their own country if they preferred not to go abroad) for 2 weeks, all expenses paid by the government.

1. Instead of having a climate system where many people experience the same weather at the same time, I would make it individually controllable. You could have sunshine, thunderstorms or snow on tap. There would be no need for expensive holidays, and with enough snow, no more work on a Monday.

2. Making digestive systems 100% efficient would remove the need for human and animal waste. Although not initially a big deal, it would mean no more treading in dog poo and having to scrape it out with a stick, or queuing for the toilet when you’re just about to go pop.

3. I would make everyone ultimate car drivers. If everyone was an expert on the roads, all cars would automatically become high-performance racers and roads would be improved to race track standard. You could then arrive at your destination half an hour sooner, more safely and without any road rage.

4. I would remove all shops full of useless gadgets and instead produce the Ultimate Gift Machine. This machine would know exactly what you needed for Christmas or your birthday, and would make it on the spot, even if what you subliminally asked for hadn’t been invented yet.

5. Establish a career management centre that successfully selects which profession you would be most suited to and then helps you get the job in that business. Instead of just wanting to train dolphins or join the circus as a bearded lady, you’d be actively encouraged to exploit your full potential.

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If I could change 5 things about the world I would -

1. Invent a product that slows down hair growth. When it becomes essential for me to visit a salon I would be supplied with a control device to turn down the verbal drivel that the stylists produce. This device would also come in handy for my kids on occasions such as Boxing Day when they complain of being bored – I could merely turn their volume down!

2. Disposable underwear would be cheap and readily available – I would no longer have to worry about my socks being ‘eaten’ by my washing machine and being left with a laundry basket full of odd ones…

3. Street maps would highlight one way systems so that after several 360 degree rotations of my map in order to find a street (yes I am a woman!) I would not be left with the task of having to find another entrance to that street due to the ‘NO ENTRY’ sign that confronts me.

4. Insist manufacturers do not place inner foil lids on margarine tubs, supermarket milk cartons, toothpaste dispensers etc. Alternatively, teach men not to partially remove them in order to help themselves to the contents.

5. If all above fail, I would set up a virtual reality holiday cafe – if I can’t change the world at least I can escape it!

1. Stupidity would be painful. I'll leave the methods of implementation to scientists, but once this is in effect, life will be easier (and a lot more entertaining) for the rest of us.

2. Snipers will be posted along all major roads with orders to put idiot drivers out of our misery.

3. Obnoxiously loud cell phone users: first offense costs you a finger, the second a hand, and so on.

4. All terrorists, rapists, child molestors and the rest of society's scum will be put on their own island. And then bombed.

5. People everywhere will give generously to the my charitable organization, 'Caring And Sharing Helps'. Please pay all checks to the order of 'CASH' and mail them out to me. Remember, your generosity could help someone do something for someone else or something like that.

1. All expensive sports cars would be driven by kids, as long as they’d passed their tests! Adults would get to drive the 'hand me down' bangers.

2. All homes would have heated swimming pools and gymnasiums to entertain kids - money well spent in the long run.

3.All kids would have a 100% chocolate/peanut butter sculpture of themselves in their rooms, for emergency hunger - saves bothering Mom!

4. Mansions would cost next to nothing and all taxes and insurances would be covered for life.

5. All kids would get free entry to all pop concerts, films and sports events - after all they are the future supporters.