Every day I've spent with you,
Has been a feast of pure delight.
I love you more as we grow together,
Like flowers in warm sunlight.
There's more of you I love each day,
So, what I want to say is that:
My darling, know I love you still,
But you're getting very fat.

Shakespeare had a way with words,
A Poet and a Thespian.
So I will use the gift of rhyme to tell you
I’m a Les[nf]bian!

I knew from the instant we met,
My existence was lame as of yet.
We’ve been together for so many years
Through the laughter and also the tears.
I can’t live without you in my life,
But darling please don’t tell my wife.

Another year past and you’re still a slob,
Why can’t you just get yourself a job?
You’re lazy, you’re fat and you don’t smell so good,
And when was it last, you were in a good mood?
I’ve had enough of your self-pitying ways
And on you I won’t waste any more of my days.
Your clothes are no longer where they were left on the floor.
You’ll find them in your bags, outside the front door!

You claimed it was true love after meeting
But it seems that the feeling was fleeting
You toyed with my soul
Now you’re six feet in a hole
Maybe next time you’ll think twice before cheating.

I'm tired of all those pretty girls
with their head stuck up their bum.
Now it's time to settle down
with someone like my mum.
You're fat and old and lazy
and maybe desparate too.
So hopefully you're happy
that I'm settling for you.

All year I’ve put up with you biting
Your finger and toe nails in bed.
I’m constantly brushing up clippings,
As they make my skin itchy and red.

Now Valentines Day is approaching
I’ve baked you a treat, close your eyes…
This time I’ve collected those clippings -
Here’s a 'Crunchy Nail Muffin' surprise!

Thank you for the flowers
The chocs were also sweet.
The restaurant was excelent
with thermidor to eat.

But now it's late, I'm tired
I've really got to dash
If only I could fancy you
I do so love your cash.

You gave me a Valentine sweet last year
“Be Mine” it did venture in bold.
Its heart shape hinted an amorous wish
And love-filled days untold.

Since then I’ve given you all that I am
I call, and I write, and I pray.
I even bought a new high-powered lens
To spy on you throughout the day.

And though you now choose to remain aloof
I press on with no compunction.
But still one request I must make of you:
To lift the stalking injunction.

To a husband who's always online
In real life you just have no spine
You make love to the screen
To a face never seen
So I'm leaving tomorrow - don't be mine.