JaxomLOTUS vs IronKite

JaxomLOTUS vs IronKite

Satirical news article stories.
Contest ended 8 years ago 4/1/2003 12:00:00 AM EDT

Contest Info

  • Cost: 10 credits
  • Jackpot: 10 credits

Contest Options

rss
 
 
7

NANTUCKET, WI -- A gruesome discovery greeted police Thursday morning after they pulled over a black hearse for speeding and discovered a body in the trunk, according to police reports.

Daniel Fitzgerald, 47, the driver of the vehicle, and ten others, all employees at Fitzgerald & Fitzgerald Funeral Homes were taken into custody for allegedly planning to transport and dispose of the remains of Raymond Frederick in a deep grave at Hollowbrook Hills cemetery.

Police were alerted to the suspicious car by other cars on the road that had been following behind the hearse in a beeline with their lights turned on, despite the fact it was broad daylight. When police pulled the hearse to the side of the road under the pretext of giving the Fitzgerald a speeding ticket, the drivers of the cars alerted the officers that something was amiss by honking their horns and yelling at the police that there was a body in the car.

"We must credit the courageous citizens of Nantucket for helping to bring this crime to light," said Deputy Daniel Jackson of the Oakland County Police Department. The grisly body had been embalmed and was being transported in a plush mahogany box, presumably to throw off police, and if not for the brave intervention of the citizens, might have been overlooked by police, said Jackson.

Fitzgerald, dressed in a black suit and tie, is being held at the Oakland County sheriff’s office, pending charges to be brought once the autopsy can determine the cause of death.

While no motive has been formally brought forward in the bizarre case, cult activity is suspected due to the somber black dress of almost all of those arrested, as well as the embalmed state of the body, say police.

Others arrested included gravediggers Tom Vance, 28, and Leroy Rogers, 32, who are being held as accessories pending results of the autopsy. The alleged participation of Vance and Rogers is particularly disturbing to investigators as they reportedly confessed to digging the grave at Hollowbrook Hills for a mere $7.25 an hour, according to arresting officer Anthony Gazolo.

"They both confessed to supporting themselves by making money digging graves," said Gazolo, noting that this pair is suspect in the dozens of bodies discovered buried in Hollowbrook Hills Cemetary in recent months.

A funeral for Frederick has been set for Monday.

Word count: 391
Please do not critique my entry.
 
5

Krakow, Poland

Ashe Milliveau and Stanley Knox, the duo that shattered the world record in the 100m freestyle 3-legged race two days ago, were stripped of their medals and disqualified yesterday by OIC and NTLRA board members. According to officials, Ashe Milliveau had tested positive for amputation, a performance enhancing operation which has been banned from international competition for over a decade.

The 3-legged-racing community was stunned by the news.

"These were guys I trained with every day." said Craig Bryce, also a member of the National 3-legged-racing team, "Honest hard working guys who lived and breathed this sport two, sometimes three hours a month. We all wanted the gold and the prestige, but cutting off your own leg is dishonest. And let's face it, it's just plain dangerous! I just can't imagine them doing something like this. I can't!"

Craig later added, "I mean, geeze. Wouldn't that hurt or something?"

Friends and family of Ashe and Stanley were also shocked at the news.

"He looked a little pale when he came home to dinner one night after training, but I didn't notice anything wrong." his mother, Tamara Milliveau, informed reporters. "He wasn't his usual happy-go-lucky self for about a week after that, and he was always scratching his right leg. Once when he had finished seconds of dinner, and I asked if he had a hollow leg that he had put all that food into, and he suddenly looked pale and angry. I didn't really understand why at the time, we thought it was just pre-race jitters. I should have seen the signs for what they were."

Experts who performed testing on the athletes say that there is often nothing family members can do to help loved ones who choose to undergo performance enhancing operations for athletic competition.

"I don't think that you should beat yourself up over it if you are friends or members of the family of someone who has tested positive for something like this. Mood swings are usually the only real sign. Well, that and they tend to wear long pants all the time. Oh, and they limp. Definitely look for limping." said Dr. Nicholas Price, an expert in the field of Amputeedetectoroscomy.

Leon Kabrinski and Petr Salzost of Lithuania have been announced as the new winners of the 100m 3-legged race. The medal ceremony is scheduled to begin today at 2:00 pm in the Krakow Memorial Garden. Rumor has it that the pair plan on wearing shorts to the award presentation, and analysts speculate that this decision is meant to taunt the American team. Neither athlete could be reached for comment.

Word count: 437
Please do not critique my entry.
 

Related Contests