Picture this: You wake up late due to a power failure that reset your alarm clock in the middle of the night. On the drive to work you get a flat tire, which you change in a rainy downpour. You then proceed to get stuck at every traffic light on the way. When you finally arrive at your office, your coworkers seem indifferent towards you. There is no coffee left in the pot, and the stapler on your desk is missing. A terrible headache sets in. You dim the lights, close the blinds and avoid the phone for the rest of the day.

Sound familiar? If so, you're obviously the victim of a vast conspiracy! That's right. An elite group of agents is conspiring to ruin your life by infiltrating every part of your existence and psychologically breaking you down.

Sound hopeless? Don't worry, there's new Reynold's Lead Foil® from the makers of Aluminum Foil! This heavy, pliable foil is perfect for covering windows, light shades and doorways, all while providing thorough protection against conspiracies of all sizes. Lead Foil® can even be used to fashion a protective hat that will prevent covert agents from recording your thoughts. Cover your body in this miracle foil and you'll be undetectable to everyone... except a mirror of course!

So what are you waiting for? Call from a secure line today!

*Warning: wrapping food in Lead Foil might lead to death.

Tired of wasting money buying batteries that only run out of juice after a few short uses? Introducing ElectraCharged! This powerful, lifelong battery will never let you down! Why? Our scientific researchers have developed a patented system that actually attaches an electric cord directly to your battery! Look, everything needs batteries these days, but from now on don’t waste another penny on disposable batteries!

The ElectraCharged patented micro-thin cord fits into any electronic device and is completely portable. Use it anywhere! All you need is an electric outlet and you’re good to go for up to twelve feet! This amazing set comes with four batteries of each standard size. That’s sixteen batteries! All for the low, introductory price of just nineteen ninety-five, plus shipping and handling.

But wait! If you call the number on your screen in the next fifteen minutes we’ll also send not one, but two, of these miniature solar-powered flashlights, absolutely free! Each one holds up to three full minutes of illuminating light. Need more time? No problem! Set it in direct sunlight for five short hours, and it’s re-charged for another three full minutes!

Act now and we’ll send you the full set of sixteen portable ElectraCharged batteries, AND the two miniature solar-powered flashlights, great for any night time emergency; all for just nineteen ninety-five!

Call now!

Sick of leaving interesting conversations in the middle of dinner?
Tired of wandering across the office twice a day?
Bored of standing, knees crossed, in the queue at the Football?

Well, now you can go, wherever, and whenever, you want to! Lmart is proud to announce the all-new, PortaLoo!:

No Bigger than a one litre Bottle, it’s easy to stash away in your hand or manbag. The sleek design comes in metallic silver for men and passionate pink for ladies.

With the Portaloo’s easy-to-use, gender-specific, automatic suction attachment, you’re up and running in no time. Just drop that zipper, anywhere, anytime, and AWAY YOU GO! The suction system is self-cleaning, and amazingly, requires no hands, so no more tiresome hand-washing or that 'fiddly' bathroom towelling system. With the amazing a ZIP, SLIP, SUCK and JIGGLE system, you will never be ‘going’ again.

But wait, that’s not all, the amazing Portaloo, with it’s unique patented reverse-osmosis chemical filtration and cooling system, transforms your effluent into ice cold, fresh, tasty, drinking water in minutes. Never go thirsty again - whilst you have with you, the fantastic Portaloo!

(Be on the look out for the September release of Portaloo 2, Channel Two, in meatball and hamburger patty flavours.)

PortaLoo. With you wherever you go!

“Recently bereaved? Cremation or burial of a loved one coming up? Call FunerElvis today, and we’ll bring a touch of Memphis style to your day of grief. Whether you’re ‘All Shook Up’, shouting ‘Glory Glory Hallelujah’ or simply ‘Crying In The Chapel’, our specially trained Elvis impersonators can give your family member or close friend a rocking send-off.

Whether walking around dispensing silk scarves and consolatory kisses upon the tear-stained cheeks of your immediate family, or standing at the pulpit ripping through the extended Vegas version of ‘Suspicious Minds’, our guys go the extra mile to make this sad day one you’ll want to remember right up until it’s your turn! Whether you’re feeling guilt, sadness, fear or unfulfillment at sentiments left unexpressed, we’ll show you that the bereavement process is best faced head on, with a curled lip and a peanut butter and banana sandwich!

Time may be a great healer, but a gleaming white bejewelled jumpsuit and a pair of gyrating hips is a whole lot better! Whatever your faith, call FunerElvis today! FunerElvis! For all your rock ‘n’ roll-based burial/cremation needs, and at a rate to suit you!

Remember, the venue at which the funeral is held must be equipped with at least ten fully functional 12V plug sockets. Technical specifications can be provided upon request.”

Tired of skyrocketing health care and drug costs? Annoyed by a legal system that keeps locking up your dealer? Then look no further.

New from BadMedics: it's the MethMaster2000 Home Health Care Apothecary Kit. It's unlike any other health maintenance system you've ever seen!

Look at most American medicine cabinets and you'll see some eyedrops and a few aspirin – big deal!

With the MethMaster2000, you'll have dozens and dozens of high-quality, highly-controlled pharmaceuticals at your fingertips – without a prescription!

The MethMaster2000 comes with everything you need to set up your own clandestine drug-making operation perfect for producing anything from Advil to Amphetamines: beakers, burners, tubes, torches and an entire array of distribution-quality ingredients ideal for a do-it-yourselfer! It's like having an emergency room and a crack house right in your own home!

And for a limited time, we're making this very special offer: buy the MethMaster2000 at the low TV price of three easy payments of $399.99 and receive, absolutely free, this gallon of agricultural-grade tincture iodine, perfect for taking care of occasional hoof rot or making the best crystal meth you've ever had. Wow!

So whether it's morphine or meth, lithium or Lortab, or whether you're getting high or going low, the MethMaster2000 has got what you need to get you and your family feeling just right! Call now!

Inspired by the Apple iPod, we are proud to present to you: the Lemon cryPod.

For new parents-to-be, the cryPod is a useful learning tool demonstrating how to distinguish between the various cries that a baby is capable of producing. What better way to help them get ready for the arrival of their own screaming bundle of joy?

And in laboratory tests, listening to the cryPod has been scientifically proven to work as an effective form of birth control for all the single folks out there. The 1.21 gigawatts of sound that this "baby" cranks out sends them running to the nearest prophylactic aisle every time.

Featuring a sleek, streamlined design, the cryPod comes with these pre-programmed cryTracks: Feed Me Now!, Poopy Pants, Baby's Got Gas Pain, Please Don't Leave Me Alone and No Apparent Reason, to name a few. New lithium-ion battery technology allows for up to 10 hours of uninterrupted wailing.

If you order within the next ten minutes, we'll even throw in a complimentary all-access pass to the cryPod website. When you log on, you'll be able to download previously unavailable cryTracks, including the extended versions of Colic Fit and My Sister Took My Teether Away.

Don't delay, order now!

Real life getting in the way of your gaming?

Wouldn’t it be great if you didn’t have to work to pay the rent?

Yeah right – we’d like that too!

We may not be able to pay your bills but we can help you with another common problem for all serious real time gamers – urination.

Remember the last time you were approaching the enemy HQ along with several other of your online buddies when that last beer or soda made it presence known? Does that blow or what! Until now your choice was to suck it up, be uncomfortable, and risk wetting your shorts or to wuss out and bail out on your teammates.

No more, compadre! With X Game Console Ultimate Playing Shorts – X Shorts -- you can attend to business while you still attend to business.

As we all know, many complex military missions require extensive duty time. That’s why Master Chief SPARTAN 117 of Halo fame swears by X Shorts: “When I am fighting the Covenant, I don’t have the luxury of finding a goddamn restroom.”.

Next time you are in a tough spot, do your duty by staying online and doing your duty in X Shorts!

Men, have you ever been at that all important meeting and took off your jacket only to be embarrassed by those unsightly underarm wet spots? Deodorants don't work! Antiperspirants don't work! You've even tried shaving without results. Well never again with the new and amazing "Pit Pads™". Pit Pads™ are the answer to all your perspiration problems. Simply peel the paper backing off your Pit Pad™ and adhere to the underarm area of your favorite shirt. All your perspiration is absorbed by the patented mulit layered cotton-charcoal fibers. No odor, no mess, you'll always be dry and confident! Small enough to carry in your wallet. Comes in 3 convient sizes to fit every type of wetness problem. Pit Pads™ can even double as a panty liner for your wife or girlfriend, but you'll want to keep them for yourself. Get your Pit Pads™ today and be the confident success you were meant to be.

Mr. and Mrs. America,
Have you ever found yourself frustrated with meat that is too tough, sandwiches that aren’t soft enough, or stuffing that is just too dry to eat?

Well, all of these problems and more can be solved with a small application of Don’s Special Wet Sauce! ™ Dry unpalatable sandwiches are a thing of the past. Leathery Steaks need bother you no more. After years of research I have created a product that can miraculously hydrate crisp sad foods. With no artificial flavors or colorings, Don’s Special Wet Sauce! ™ will not alter the taste of your favorite recipes.

Whatever your moisture needs, Don’s Special Wet Sauce! ™ is prepared to help you.
If you order today you will be sent not one, but two gallons of Don’s Special Wet Sauce! ™. For a limited time, I will also include a professional application bottle which can be set from mist to stream to encompass all of you cooking chores.
Order today! For only $19.99 plus shipping, I will add one more item, my own specially designed moisture reducer. This remarkable fabric square will help remove any overuse of Don’s Special Wet Sauce! ™.

Order Now!

Tired of long trips? Tired of being the family chauffeur. Is your neck hurting and shoulders aching?

No risk, money back guarantee. Call in the next five minutes to receive…The guides to “Running properly with scissors, Stunt driving for the blind, and Children – do they really need a baby sitter?” ALL –as your FREE gift for trying the all-new travel sleeper.

Introducing the all new, multi-function, deluxe, velour covered, travel sleeper.

Simply attach the micro velvet, memory foam-filled sleeper to the steering wheel of your family’s vehicle, lean your head forward, and let the micro-pulsating vibrations message you into a deep slumber.

Space age materials were developed by top industry leaders at NASA! Garunteed against time and wear, return for a full refund if not completely satisfied.

Simply attach the self adhesive, attentive driver, cardboard cutout to the driver side window of your vehicle. Passing cars will be greeted with a happy, alert driver. Cutout comes in standard male or female.

When your trip is over simply detach the portable sleeper from the wheel, and stow it in your vehicles glove compartment.

Return the sleeper within 30 days if you’re not satisfied and keep the gifts valued at over fifty thousand dollars, FREE of charge.

Shipping and handling not included, check with your state laws before purchacing the travel sleeper.

Sleeping while driving not recommended.

You deserve a good days rest. Try the travel sleeper.

Sorry no C.O.Ds