Affluent White Teen Aspires to be Next Hip-Hop Sensation

MAIN LINE, PA—Privileged 17-year-old Alton Wellsworth III announced to friends and family late today that he intends to follow his dream of becoming the latest, whitest rapper in the music industry. Assuming the name “DJ Doublestuff,” Wellsworth explained his overwhelming desire to ‘put it out there.’
“See, they always talk of Hum-V’s and [Mercedes] Benz,” he began “and I so totally relate. My first car was my dad’s old 2001 Lexus, and I really want to step up for my next ride to the Benz.” Wellsworth said he felt compelled to enter the music community in order to promote understanding of the art form to his peers. “They don’t appreciate the message of Hip-Hop, but I am hip to the jive and very down with it. So I have created a new style of rap to bridge the cultural gap. I call it Suburban Music.” His first cut, titled “Droppin’ English” addresses the primary difficulty in communication between urban youth and the society hill elite: incomprehensible and unintelligible lyrics riddled with street slang. Wellsworth offered this sample:
“I think you all best stop playing,
I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
You claim it’s something in Ebonics,
I think you better get Hooked on Phonics.
You break the rules, like demolition,
You end your sentence with a preposition.
Go learn the parts of speech and their functions,
So you know not to start off with conjunctions!”

While his friends seem ambivalent to Wellsworth’s attempts, his girlfriend, Bethany, is his most ardent supporter. “When he turns his Phillies baseball cap around, he completely transforms into DJ Doublestuff. It’s amazing,” she gushed. “I love it when he calls me Lil’ B. He’s got the lingo down cold. Word.”

One of mankind’s greatest mysteries has been solved.

Katya Brodowski of Stafford, Virginia has been positively identified as the person “who let the dogs out.”

The question, originally posed by the popular music group the Baha Men, was a mainstay of American consciousness for the greater part of 2000. People everywhere pondered the elusive answer to that puzzling question, “who let the dogs out?” However, intensive searches turned up nothing and the question eventually faded away from most people’s minds.

However, a sort of revival began in early 2002, as many sports events around the nation played the song in celebration of an exceptional play by the home team. The re-emergence of the song created a sort of ‘we will never forget’ attitude all over the nation and many people again began to wonder about the identity of the person “who let the dogs out”.

Things quickly turned sour though, as many people became disenchanted with the constant questioning and a wave of apathy, even hatred in some extreme areas, began to sweep the country. Numerous individuals were tired of the police’s inability to catch the culprit and just stopped caring.

Nowadays, the song is living a quiet life on limited play on popular music radio stations. The question is only raised rarely as the snappy chorus no longer has the hold it used to. It is because of this that Katya decided to turn herself in. Since no really cared anymore, she felt it was safe to come forward with the truth.

Asked why she did it, she said, “I’m more of a cat person.”

Last Saturday, Ed Worth, a Maytag repairman, inadvertently discovered the porthole to a new dimension while performing routine maintenance on a clothes dryer in a local laundromat. Onlookers say that they were shocked to see the man open the back of the dryer and then just disappear. Top physicists from around the country were called in to investigate the phenomenon. Two physicists, as well as a small search and rescue team were deployed into the new realm to retrieve Mr. Worth.

Mr. Worth described to us his experience: “I was just checking the dryer, like I always do, and then suddenly felt this strange pulling sensation in my gut, and next thing I knew I was in a whole new world. I saw mountains of dryer lint, socks scattered all about, random undergarments and a basketball.”

When questioned about the new dimension, physicist John Clark replied, “well, we had always been hopeful about discovering other dimensions, but to be honest we had all of our resources devoted to investigation the dimensions of sight, sound and of mind. I believe that it’s safe to speculate that this is the place where lost socks go when they escape from the dryer.” Mr. Clark had no comment about the possible origin of the basketball.

According to Mr. Clark, a highly skilled team will be intensely examining the new realm, and they have not ruled out the possibility of assigning a separate team to sort through the socks and return them to their rightful owners, though he does admit that that will be a long and tedious task.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK, APRIL 13 -- In a joint declaration, US President George Bush and Avi Muchnick, the founder of the popular website Worth1000.com, announced that post war Iraq will be managed by the members of the Worth1000 site.

"It really is a natural fit. They have a lot of talented people over there. I can't tell you how many times Laura or I have been duped by some of the pictures on that site," the president said.

Avi Muchnick, who goes by the on-line alias JaxomLOTUS said, "When we found out that President Bush didn't want to deal with the post-war reconstruction, we jumped at the chance to expand our site."

The nation of Iraq has been divided into roughly 200 lots that are being bid on by the various members of the website. Once the lots have been assigned, the winner of the bidding for each lot will hold absolute authority to rule as he or she sees fit.

Colin Powell, who admitted to recently registering on Worth1000 as ScryStateW00T, also stands behind this unique solution. "The genius of this plan is not only that we will be able to see what these amazing creative minds can put together, but it's completely democratic. Anyone can enter and bid."

However, many are against the plans. A long-time member of Worth1000 who asked not to be identified claimed there were already claim jumpers on-site in Iraq. One of the more surreal sights was a platoon-sized group of what seemed like mujahideen wearing matching bunny suits arriving at the newly renamed Castel of Snacks International Airport.

"It will be run like any other contest on the site", Muchnick said. He declined comment on rumors of similar plans in the pipeline for Syria, Iran, North Korea and Florida.

LOS ANGELES, April 17, 2003

Expanding his crusade against "leftist propaganda in entertainment," David Horowitz, in an interview with Fox Television personality Bill O'Reilly, called for "a direct attack on the subversive elements in American popular culture" by way of boycott of the popular Cartoon Network, for its airing of Warner Bros. classic cartoon series, "Looney Toons."

While expressing concern about the series as a whole, the popular character Bugs Bunny drew his ire in particular. "Bugs Bunny was never intended as children's entertainment," said Horowitz, citing the cartoon's pre-television origin. "Chuck Jones used the animated medium to express his anarchistic views in a subtle and seemingly innocuous way through his alter-ego, the rascally rabbit."

Horowitz, former 1960's radical, and co-founder of the Los Angeles-based conservative think-tank, the Center for the Study of the Popular Culture, argues that "Bugs Bunny embodies the primal frustration and regression of the fundamental liberal/socialist mindset. His disrespect for, and unlikely triumph over, all figures of authority and social order, were intended to sway public opinion into acceptance of his regressive ideology."

He illustrated his points using a series of highly collectible and rare original Warner Brothers hand-painted cels depicting the famous furry troublemaker in a wide and colorful range of women's attire. "The promotion of gender confusion is one of the more troubling subtexts of the series," Horowitz explained. "Clearly this message is troubling when aimed at adults," he said. "But won't someone please think of the children?"

BRETTON, IL—Local resident Area Man filed a $1.2 million libel suit against internet news site the Onion Monday morning.

Mr. Man, known as Michael Pierce until his name change two years ago, says the Onion has repeatedly printed false information about his actions, thoughts, and whereabouts. “This has been going on for years,” alleges Mr. Man, “Every single week I see, ‘Area Man does this, Area Man thinks that’. Well it’s just not true. I don’t see why I should have to accept lies being spread about myself.”

The Onion, self-described as ‘America’s Finest News Source’, has been available online since 1996. Specializing in news about everyday people, the Onion frequently bills stories with headlines like ‘Area Man Confounded By Buffet Procedure’. While the Onion does provide the names of those involved within the article, Area Man claims his problem is with their misleading headlines.

Linda Kern, Mr. Man’s girlfriend, agrees. “I totally think that people shouldn’t lie about other people. Plus, we could really use the money. Mike... I mean Area... can’t work at Osco forever; we have big plans,” Ms. Kern said in an interview yesterday evening.

Marcus Shelby, of Bretton’s third most successful law firm, Shelby, Donnovan and Hutt, has agreed to represent Mr. Man in his civil litigation. “We fully understand that the Onion has been printing ‘Area Man’ headlines for years. What concerns us is that since my client’s name change, the defendant has never made any attempt to gain his permission to continue doing so; they seem to be unaware the real Area Man even exists,” explained Mr. Shelby.

Mr. Man says his previous attempts to negotiate with the Onion have been fruitless. “I’ve emailed them six times, but they won’t even respond! Do they think this is some kind of joke?”

Mattel, makers of the globally popular plastic doll, Barbie®, issued an announcement today that will rock the world’s toy industry. In a controversial bid to “revolutionize Barbie® into a modern day, sexually liberated young woman”, the multinational toy company is scheduled to release a new line of Barbies® dressed in daring apparel, armed with equally kitsch accessories.

The new range - christened “Liberation®” - offers a tantalising variety of dolls for diehard Barbie® fans and casual customers alike. S&M Time® promises a scantily leather-clad Barbie® equipped with matching whip and hot poker. To complete the set is the complementary Ken® doll (sold separately), kitted out in a fetchingly black PVC thong and fluffy handcuffs. Ken’s® “other” accessory, situated in his lower regions, had been enhanced to “ensure that Barbie® dolls reflect the themes faithfully”, according a Mattel spokesperson. Likewise, the new Barbie’s® upper regions appear to involve an extra amount of plastic compared to her predecessors. Mattel® further assures that their new Lesbian Barbies® and Camp-boy Ken® will elevate “the doll-playing experience to a whole new level”.

Mothers of young children, who are regular purchasers of the all-time favourite doll, responded with outrage. They expressed their outright condemnation at Mattel’s new line.

“I’m shocked,” said a mother of a 6-year old daughter. “I’m worried that my husband will get hooked. Then what will I do?”

However, it is not all doom and gloom.

“Wow! Instead of defacing and brutally mutilating my old Barbies®, I can play with something much more interesting for once!” exclaims 17-year-old high school student, John.

Customers can also expect Under-aged Single-Mother Barbie®, Internet Stalker Ken®, and the limited edition Porn star Barbie® to hit the stores next week.

Panama City – Angry at the media’s narrow focus on the war in Iraq and the SARS outbreak in Asia, delegates from the nations of Latin America gathered in Panama City to discuss options to bring Central and South America into the spotlight again. This three-day conference proposed ideas ranging from returning Elian Gonzalez to the United States to arming Uruguay with nuclear and biological weapons. Despite their hopes to get the attention of the international news corporations, no consensus was met at the conference.

Disagreement between the nations began when Belize suggested that Brazil should harbor terrorists. Brazilian delegate Jorge Ruarte opposed this option, arguing that harboring terrorists does not create newsworthy events; it only brings international issues to their nations. Ruarte then suggested that Brazil should put the first Latin American on the moon. Many of the other delegate nations scoffed at his plan, claiming it was ridiculous to put a Portuguese speaking Latin American on a predominately Spanish speaking moon. Ruarte immediately stormed out of the conference cursing and shouting that there are no Spanish speaking men on the moon.

The most vocal delegate at the conference was Venezuelan delegate Hernando de Torres. During the second day, he managed to bring the squabbling delegates together with a rousing speech where he said, “We are the most important oil producing nation outside of the Middle East. Our nation has been crippled by strikes, coups, and economic crises. What makes the news at night? Michael Jackson throwing a baby out the window!”

"Where's my millions ?" asks Donald Rumsfeld

Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld today revealed that he was "disappointed" by the deception of Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahhaf. Mr Rumsfeld had been expecting to receive 25% of a sum of money totalling USD$45 Million (Forty five Million United States Dollars).

"I received an e-mail 4 weeks ago, from Mr al-Sahhaf" reported Don, "informing me that not only was he Information Minister but also Chief Accountant with an Internationally known oil company."

"He told me in trust and confidence that his father had been assassinated by a brutal regime and that he had been able to trace all the documents relating to his father's money"

It seems this kind of scam has been circulating the internet for some time now. All unbeknown to the Staff Chief Under Defence Secretary (SCUDS) Alex Jazeera.

Mr Rumsfeld continued, "He told me that wanted a known foreign partner to enable him to move the funds where it would be safe for his family. Meanwhile, he said he didn't want his family name to appear in any bank now as he was still in exile.".

It seems the Defence Secretary understood the transaction would be safe and risk-free with no illegal complications.

"I knew it was safe and risk-free and had no illegal complications." he explained "The e-mail looked very official and had a formal contract at the bottom. It stated that we weren't allowed to cheat each other, and that they would be by my side as I claimed the funds. It also said I wasn't allowed to disappear with their money after I had claimed it."

Mr Rumsfeld sent his bank details and a scanned copy of his passport as proof of his sincerity. He arrived at the arranged meeting place last Tuesday.

He is still waiting.

Uruguay Wins Ocean Ring Cleaning Contract

Uruguay has been granted the world-wide rights for cleaning the scum-ring from the earth’s shoreline until 2006, edging out Angola’s bid for a twentieth successive contract renewal. It is the first time in over fifty years that the incumbent nation has lost the contract.

“See my smile?” said Joao Zers, Uruguay’s Minister of Spit and Polish. “We’re just tickled. Uruguay is a nation of janitors, and we’ll be proud to do this for the next three years”.

Uruguay is reputed to have more janitors per square mile than any other country on earth. The contract calls for Uruguay to clean the scum-ring from the earth's 758,000 miles of salt-water coastline twice daily, at low tide. Uruguay’s scrub brush inventory is reportedly the highest in its history, with over six billion SuperScrubber sponges being stored in temporary shelters throughout the countryside. On hearing the news, the Spic and Span Company immediately announced plans for the opening of a new cleanser manufacturing plant in suburban Montevideo.

Angola had come under some criticism in recent years for failing to apply an adequate scrubbing to the docks and piers of nearby Guinea-Bissau. “We don’t like Guinea-Bissau, and we’re not going to clean their docks”, said an unidentified Angolan official. “And wait until Uruguay finds out they need over eight million people twice a day to do the job. They don’t even have half that number living in their stupid little country. Besides, they’re landlocked. What do they know about oceans?”

As a temporary measure, Angola reportedly has agreed to sweep sand from Algerian highways until permanent employment for their eight million janitors can be found.