Recent studies have indicated that there is a direct connection between forgetfulness and something else.

Superglue is 97% effective as a contraceptive.

Recent research has proven that the missing arms from the many Greek statues were stolen and used by India on their Hindu statues.

There is no such thing as a cakewalk, since cakes cannot walk. However, some tarts in Texas can line dance.

Colon cancer is twice as bad as semicolon cancer.

Pickles are fatal. Everyone who ate a pickle in the 1800's is now dead.

Scientists have discovered that pregnancy is the number one cause of the worlds overpopulation problem.

Children make great paperweights, especially with a little valium.

Most bushes are considerable denser than they were a century ago. Thus, a bird in the hand today is actually worth 3.4 in the bush.

Diet Coke, when boiled and allowed to cool, can be used as a replacement for embalming fluid.

Anal warts are the result of lying.

Life is a sexually transmitted and terminal disease.

Canadians are sometimes called "The French Without The Stench."

Contrary to popular belief, chainsaws are not the number one tool for committing massacres. Number One? The gun.

Sasquatch, Bigfoot and the Abominable Snowman are all hoaxes perpetrated by the same person, d**k Fortner of Syosset, NY.

Jews do not secretly rule the world, it's the Dutch.

Condoms were once made of live fish.