My Hidden Treasure of Fallujah
By Rocky Way
This charming bistro is on a quiet side street just off Habibi Avenue, the main thoroughfare running through the upscale “Relatively Intact” district of Fallujah. Upon entering, I found myself bathed in old-world charm. Earthtones coordinated perfectly with the blast damage and holes in the walls. The table I was seated at, which required only the merest touch of my foot to keep it from toppling over, had a lovely a view of the street. I order a toasted crust of bread appetizer and a glass of Eau de Faucet, both served quickly and politely by a waiter who seemed almost scared of not providing the best service. Well, scared of something, at any rate.
As I enjoyed the crispy appetizer, a man approached me from the kitchen to inform me that I was being designated a “hostage,” a courtesy afforded all the “infidel imperialist dog” guests in the cafe. He escorted me to a cozy room in the basement and provided me with a comfortable blindfold of silk or silk blend and a chilled pair of handcuffs, which he fitted on my wrists himself. Although I can’t say for certain, not having been able to see, I believe I was left alone in this room for several hours.
At last, the truth dawned on me! These clever rascals had figured out that I was a travel writer, and took me to a Bed & Breakfast they wanted to promote! A little underhanded, perhaps, but I was willing to give it a try.
I slept well on the plank bed in my room, and in the morning received a bowl of the most delightful home-made gruel. I found that not being able to see it only heightened my enjoyment. Gruelicious! By the way, the plank bed did wonders for my back. I recommend them to anyone with back problems.
My surprises were not over for the day. A while later, a television crew came by to tape what I think was an audition for a local television program. I can’t say I agreed with my character’s lines – they were pretty anti-American, actually – but I can’t hope helping I get the role. From travel writer to television star! Why not?
I stayed at the bed and breakfast for a few days, sampling a variety of local delicacies, primarily more of those wonderful gruels. Also, one of the amenities offered daily was something I have dubbed “percussive deep-tissue massage.” I admit, they left me rather sore for a few days, but I am sure they are highly therapeutic.
Unfortunately, my stay was interrupted by members of the American military, who dragged me bodily from the charming B&B. I wasn’t even able to thank my hosts! They took me back to their base and made me eat Army rations (yuck!) but I knew I would soon find my way back to the Haddad Café, my hidden treasure of Fallujah.