When the White House opened its rooms for rent to help pay off the national debt, I, internationally famous hotel reviewer Thomas Moore, was there. When the first hotel in space was overthrown by Vermicious K’nids, I was there. Now I take you on to my most exclusive critique yet, an exclusive review that’s so frambigulously exclusive that I just made up a word to describe it. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the first ever review of: Heaven!
Let me start off by saying that the food is good, the air is clean and the people are nice. Now that I have all those annoying pleasantries out of the way, I can start the review. Never before have I been so let down! The hype was there- “The most perfect place ever created!” some would cheer. Others simply billed it as “the place people are dying to get into.” Perhaps it’s because of all this hype that I simply wasn’t impressed.
First, I’ll just come right out and say it: the Pearly Gates that you’ve been hearing about aren't encrusted with pearls at all! Their excuse is they call it that because there's divine light on the other side. I tried pulling the same thing on my wife by giving her a flashlight necklace for her birthday. Yeah. Whatever.
The reception wasn’t so great either. Thousands of people were waiting in line, with hundreds more coming every second. Most didn’t even get in! Note to heaven: if you plan on overbooking, at least keep a vacancy sign somewhere. When I finally got to the receptionist, he started asking me questions such as the meaning of life. I sighed heavily and showed him my press pass. He let me right in.
Now here’s another letdown for you folks: you know the saying that the streets of heaven are paved with gold? Well they are, but what they don’t tell you is that it’s only 14 karats. Please! And someone should really tell them to get with the times- yellow gold is out, people! It's all about white gold nowadays, or if you want to be really posh why don't you try some platinum?
And boy, is Heaven dull! Dull, dull, dull. Not much to do there at all. Most people float around on clouds, others talk about some kind of spiritual enlightenment, others just lie around and get tan. Heaven may be great for the easily amused, but for people like me who demand constant stimulation the only great entertainment is watching the living and the ever-popular reincarnation booth, but this hardly suffices at all. My stay felt like an eternity.
I'd go on, but really, what's the point? Heaven is just over-hyped, over-crowded and under-funded.
The darndest thing just happened. As I typed that last sentence, I just got an e-vite from St. Peter to do another exclusive review. Look for it in my next article- same owner, just different manager and a bit to the South.