A few weeks ago, I got nostalgic for the Army, so I downloaded some military bugle calls from the Internet. Retreat, Reveille, were among my downloads. I programmed my computer to play these during certain times of the day.
Then I started using the computer as an alarm clock (in effect turning my $2000 computer into a $4.95 alarm clock). Every morning, the computer turned on at 5 am playing Reveille waking both the dog and me.
Very pleased with my experiment, I connected my computer to my home entertainment setup, and the quality of the bugle calls improved significantly, along with the quantity of the volume.
I decided I had to share the military experience with my neighbors. And, of course, Reveille MUST be played at 5 AM. Got out some wire and extended the speakers of the entertainment center to 3 different windows of my house. I couldn’t test the volume because that would give away the surprise I had for my neighbors the next morning so I just guessed at about 3/4’s of the full scale.
The day of awakening, I used the regular $4.95 alarm clock to wake the dog and I at 4:45 am. At 4:58, the computer came on, loaded up the programs and at exactly 5AM, “THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE” began for my neighbors.
Only one problem, the volume rivaled the civilian defense air raid sirens, braking the sleep of 5,000 residents over a 5 square miles. I saw lights come on all over my neighborhood, but since the bugle call was only 30 seconds long, they couldn’t locate the source. I was tempted to play it a few more times, but I didn’t.
I gave my neighbors “THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE” for 4 straight mornings. I talked to the Bishop across the street. “THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE” was not to his liking. He vowed to get the people doing this, so I realized that I had to get sneakier. I skipped 2 mornings (Saturday and Sunday), then gave them “THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE” again.
On Monday, the Bishop told me he was calling the police. I decided to push it. I got out the police scanner.
Tuesday, “THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE” went off without a hitch.
Wednesday, the police scanner was full of talk. The SWAT team was deployed around the town, waiting for the perps giving “THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE”. I decided to wait, desecration being the better part of valor. At about 5:30, Barney Fife (the chief) came over the police radio, canceling the stake out. I gave them 5 minutes to go get donuts, turned the volume to full, then “THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE” happened again.
Unfortunately, I cracked three windows in my house, and the dog went deaf.
I have decided to give my neighbors an Honorable Discharge, and let them sleep in, retiring the reveille tape.
Does anybody know where I can get the sound of a fog horn in the middle of the Atlantic?