The look on that girl's face when she spotted the track marks on my arm was priceless. They were old, but slow to heal, and I was half tempted to start spewing forth all that public service crap they gave me at the rehab center, but all I could do was smile.
The plane ride wore me out that much.
I just reached out over the counter and pointed out this sweet black Mustang in the parking lot. "That one," I said, "that's the one I want."
Her fake customer service smile faded quick as she started thinking of all the terrible things this strung out junkie chick was going to do to her precious rental. But I suppose my good credit and her $8 an hour job got the best of her and she handed over the keys.
I haven't been in this he[nf]ll hole in over ten years. I'm coming back in style.
They say that heroin is the most addictive of all drugs. Maybe, and having my share, I can say it's near the top. But it's not nearly as addictive as prostitution.
No one ever tells you that. There are no Hookers Anonymous meetings at your local baptist church.
Ooh, all leather interior. Sweet. Just like me.
Mama, god rest her soul, sent me off to be an actress. "Go on to Los Angeles, sweetie. Go be the star your mama could never be," she'd said. Yeah, nothing like stepping off the Amtrak in LA with a head full of possibilities and a pocket full of nothing.
I knew her real reasons. She wanted me away from him.
This V-8 is a smooth ride, ain't it? Damn, I need one of these.
I can't blame her though. It can't have been fun to have your new husband messing with your kid. But in a way, Jerry prepared me for my later glory. I suppose some kids get real screwed up by that, even continuing the "cycle of abuse" as my counselor called it. One guy in my group talked about how his little sister hung herself in her closet over it. She was only 12.
Damn. 12.
Guess I'm just wired differently. I took it, and I'll tell ya, I had to take it often and I let it harden me. I let it build up walls that nothing, not even that ultimate sugar high could break down. It made me powerful, ya see. Those first nights in California, that first week of nowhere to go, that's when I found out where my power was.
Oh, CD player, where's my case? Ah, here we go.
I won't go into the details about Jerry though. I've talked and talked that crap out over the last few months it doesn't even feel real anymore. It's like I'm reading from a script. All lies and lines. But I'll say this, he showed me that the quickest way for me to climb that ladder would be with my legs wide open. He taught me that lesson at 14 and I finally learned it at 17.
Learned it fast. Also learned that you need to find sympathetic management. Two guys put me into the hospital my first months on the street, one with a broken collar bone, and the other, well, see this scar near my ear, the one that runs down to my shoulder? Yeah, he was a cutter.
How do you put the top down on this thing? Oh. Ahhh nice.
Then I hooked up with Maddy. Maddy cleaned me up, got me to a doctor and starting teaching me about finances and crap. She's the one that finally dragged me into rehab, and the one that convinced me to come home. It's just a vacation. Maddy knows she can still count on me after about a month. But she also knows that some things need closure.
Never been one for closure, ya know. Live and let rot was always my motto. Get enough burns on your back being pushed up against that So Cal stucco and you'll understand. There's pain and there's pain. Outside pain makes you tough, inside pain makes you stone.
Maddy made sure I didn't have to do those up-enders behind the strip clubs anymore. Shame though. Easy on, easy off and easy clean-up. But Maddy's all class. She turned me into an entrepreneur. Seriously, me! Can you believe that? I've got IRAs and mutual funds and everything.
She taught me how to climb that ladder with my own two hands. Taught me that being addicted to money was better than anything else. It gave me choices, gave me opportunities.
Hand me my purse. Gave me this too. Pretty, ain't it? It's my welcome home gift to Jerry. It's okay, you can hold it, it's not loaded.
This is my version of closure.
Hand me that AC/DC CD.
Man, this is a sweet ride.
Just like me.