(Inside a convenience store. Entrance on left. Broom closet on right. Counter in center. CLERK with baseball cap is behind counter. MAN rushes in waving a gun.)
MAN: Alright this is a stick-up! Give me your money!
CLERK: You got to be kidding. The guys at the Laundromat put you up to this, right?
MAN: I am not kidding anyone, this is a stick-up! Now hand it over!
CLERK: Man, you need to get with the times. “Stick-up” is a bit old fashioned.
MAN: What? Are you CRAZY? Can’t you see I have a gun?
CLERK: Just trying to help. I’ve been through a lot of robberies.
MAN: You just SHUT UP. Or I’ll… I’ll…
CLERK: (helpfully)… put a cap…
MAN: Yeah, yeah, or I’ll put a cap in… uhh…
CLERK: … your ass.
MAN: Oh, right. Shut up or I’ll put a cap in your ass.
CLERK: Very nice. Very intimidating…
MAN: Thank you.
CLERK: …to my grandmother.
MAN: Huh? I ought to…
CLERK: Look, I’m just trying to help with your technique. You didn’t even tell me to put my hands up.
MAN: But wouldn’t that be, you know, old fashioned too?
CLERK: No, dude, it’s very important. Why, my hand could be down here pushing the silent alarm right now.
MAN: What?!? You didn’t….
CLERK: Hey, hey! Don’t wave that gun around. No, of course I didn’t set it off. I’m trying to help you, remember? See, another reason to have my hands up, is that I could be getting a gun out like this! (Pulls hand up and out, points it at MAN like a gun.)
MAN: AUUGGGHHH (Points gun and wildly makes trigger pulling motions). Ohhh, man, don’t DO that. I might have shot you.
CLERK: No way.
MAN: I could’ve.
CLERK: Couldn’t.
MAN: No?
CLERK: No. Safety.
MAN: Safety?
CLERK: Your gun’s safety is still on.
MAN: Oh. That’s the... uhh…
CLERK: On the other side. See the… oh, just hand it to me. (MAN balks) Hey! Who you going to trust, eh? (MAN hands over gun) See, you just flip this up and you’re good to go. (Starts to hand gun back. Stops.) Tell me the truth. This is your first robbery, right?
MAN: No. Well… yes.
CLERK: Thought so. Tell you what, why don’t we do a little role-playing and that way I can help you out with my extensive experience with robberies.
MAN: Well, I really just came in to grab some cash.
CLERK: It always helps to know both sides of the situation.
MAN: Well… okay, thanks. That’s very kind of you.
CLERK: Good, good. My pleasure. Now you get behind the counter and I’ll just act like I’m coming in the door.
MAN: All right.
CLERK: (Moving toward the entrance) First tip. Wear a hat to hide your face from the security cameras. (Points toward ceiling)
MAN: Oh, that’s smart.
CLERK: (Rushing up from entrance) GET YOUR HANDS UP AND DON’T MOVE. Note how I don’t wave the gun around. I just aim it between your eyes.
MAN: Good tip.
CLERK: SHUT UP! I DIDN’T TELL YOU TO TALK! Establish who the boss is right away. GET THAT CASH DRAWER AND BRING IT OUT HERE. Always be clear and precise in your directions. DOWN ON THE FLOOR. ARMS OUT. Remember to immobilize your victims. (Uses tape from counter to bind arms.)
MAN: (Lifts head from the floor) Okay. Oops!
CLERK: DON’T TALK, I SAID! (Kicks MAN in the side) YOU MOVE AGAIN AND I’LL PUT A CAP IN YOUR ASS. Notice how I delivered that line? With much more authority. DON’T MOVE AGAIN FOR FIVE MINUTES OR I’LL BLOW YOUR FREAKING HEAD OFF! Now this is important. Always check for cops or bystanders before you run out the door. To get the most out of this lesson, let’s take it to the full five minutes. [Exits]
(MAN stays still for 15 seconds when a sound from the broom closet causes him to raise his head and look. A man in typical store uniform falls out of closet. He is bound identical to MAN. Gag falls free.)
REAL CLERK: HELP! I’ve been robbed!