1. phone in saying that you have explosive diarrhea, but you'll try to make it anyway
2. say that a piano fell on your car and the engine died. Go figure...
3. tell your boss that you ran over his/her dog and had to eat it because he/she doesn't pay you enough to feed your family
4. Take a pair of skates, some duct tape and a rocket engine. Strap them to your feet then call in sick
5. This one is tricky. It involves scissors, an overfed housecat, a lump of moldy cheese, a shoddily crafted sock puppet, four baby tigers, seven long-winded old men kidnapped from the local duck pond and an algerian meowing mountain llama. It's fairly simple except where are you going to get moldy cheese?