Dear Mr. Smith,
I have stayed silent on this issue for far too long and this situation has come to a head. As you may be aware of I am your next door neighbor. As you may NOT be aware of is that your wife has recently been shutting the blinds to your room during the peak changing hours of seven o’clock PM to ten o’clock PM. This is outrageous! How am I supposed to satisfy my disgusting voyeuristic pleasures with the blinds drawn? Just last month I purchased a high powered telescope to assist my peeping needs, equipped with fully functional recording options and the ability to hook up to my big screen TV. This telescope is NOT CHEAP!!! Obviously this telescope is useless with the blinds drawn!
Your wife has completely ruined my weekends with this outlandish sense of privacy! My buddies and I would gather around my window, with nachos, beer, and the occasional video camera and make a night out of watching your daughter and her various boyfriends (and might I add that she is practicing safe sex). Times are tough, Mr. Smith. If you haven’t noticed, gas prices have sky rocketed and the economy is tanking. I just don’t have the money to spend on quality pornography, and why should I with a daughter such as yours living right next door to me!? And you might be saying right now, “Go watch Lifetime and ogle Tiffany Amber Thiessen.” To which I say, I’ve seen all of her movies a hundred times! It’s about variety, Mr. Smith. Variety!
And don’t think I didn’t notice when you cut down the large sycamore tree that was next to her other window. That really sent me over the edge. That tree was a perfect climbing tree and the limbs were remarkably strong. It was a crime against all nature to destroy a marvel of the natural world. You can expect another letter from city hall about that tree, I’m pretty sure some of its roots were on my property. And you can’t fight City Hall, Mr. Smith! You just can’t!
I know that you are well aware of the voluptuous body that your daughter has and I wouldn’t fault you for enjoying it as much as I do. Granted, that sort of thing is looked down upon in the northern states, but who am I to care what a man does in the privacy of his own home? Unless that impedes on another man’s sexual fantasies, in which case it is my civic duty to protest. I hope for both of our sakes that you make the right decision. Mr. Smith, tare down those blinds!
Sincerely,
Anonymous
P.S. I’ll be over later to pick up the toolset I loaned you.