Dear Upper Echelon Magazine:
Recently I received an offer to extend my trial subscription; however, I must respectfully decline. Although I received the free gifts offered, specifically the “executive” briefcase and “valuable” pen and pencil set as incentive to sign up, these very items are the impetus behind my decision.
The “executive” briefcase turned out to be a vinyl tote bag. Upon placing the “valuable” pen and pencil set inside and attempting to carry it off, the handles instantly broke. I’m reasonably certain I’ve seen homeless people pushing similar bags around in their carts. I suppose they had to push these things around considering the demise of the handles. I assume the vagrants are the “executives” you are referring to when you tout the fact that this item is “used by all the top professionals.”
As for the pen and pencil set, at first glance I was pleasantly surprised. The brushed chrome finish and velveteen lined box showed at least some effort was made during the manufacturing process. I proudly grabbed the mechanical pencil and placed the point to paper. It immediately ripped the paper and the lead snapped. I dutifully pumped out another point of lead and repeated the process, with identical results. I assumed that the lead had cracked in shipping and methodically opened the pencil to refill it. Upon opening it I discovered that indeed this pencil was not refillable and I now had 31 pencil parts with no directions on re-assembly.
On to the pen.
I wanted to be able to say something nice about your “incentives”. Alas, it was not to be. The ink of course was dried up but having learned my lesson from the pencil I examined the pen carefully to see if it was indeed refillable. Happily I discovered it was and I set about separating the pen to accomplish this. Try as I might the ink refill was wedged firmly inside the pen chassis and after struggling for 20 minutes I had to take a break. I dug through my desk and found a letter opener, which I thought would ultimately work as a pry bar. I began my quest to remove the refill again. I felt the refill give a little and this excited me…I redoubled my effort. All at once the spring, which must have been stuck on some chard of metal not properly ground down within the pen chamber, gave way. At that moment my boss, the Vice President of our company, came into my office. I watched with chagrin as the refill sailed across the room and impaled him in the groin.
Needless to say, upon discharge from my position I was not able to afford the refill for the pen.
In future I hope you will reconsider the incentives offered to promote your magazine and I trust you understand my reasons for declining your proposal of a full subscription to your publication.
Sincerely,
Andrew Takacs