Dear Hormel Company,
My grandson, Jeffrey, recently bought me one of those new-fangled computer gizmos for my 81st birthday. Now I’ve never been one for this technology mumbo jumbo, what with the mega-whatsits and giga-ma-jiggers, but I thought, if Artie Bumpkis and his wife Ethel can use one of those new VCRs, I can learn to use this computer. Artie loves that VCR. He uses it to tape Matlock, and Ethel uses it to tape her stories.
Anyway, I got this new computer, and I’ve been clicking and pointing and all that nonsense just like Jeffrey showed me. I even got my own e-mail address. It was great at first, because I could send electronic letters to my friend Eddie Zipple, who served with me be back in WWII.
Now everything was just fine until I started getting these weird letters. I remember the first one said something about buying some kind of vitamin or something called “Cialis.” I asked Artie if he knew what that was, and he thought I’d asked him if he’d seen Alice. Alice of course was this dame from the old neighborhood. Oh diggity could she foxtrot!
So as I was saying, I got more of these letters every week. Eddie Zipple didn’t know what to do about them, so I asked my grandson, Jeffrey. Oh that boy’s as smart as a whip I tell ya! Last week, he got a B+ on his book report or science project or math test or something. Or maybe it was a B-. Then again it might have been his sister, Julie. You know, she’s got her own dog walking business. You should see her out there walking those dogs! She walks a husky, a schnauzer, a sheepdog, a terrier, a spaniel, a shnauzer…not all at the same time mind you, she’s only eleven years old for Heaven’s sake! Did I mention the schnauzer? I use to have one back when I was a boy. Or was it a beagle? Anyway, his name as Scampy, and we use to do everything together! Play fetch, run around the yard, push a hoop with a stick down a dirt road…
But as I was saying, Jeffrey told me that these letters I was getting were called “Spam,” which as it turns out is made by your company. Well I don’t know what the big idea is sending an old man all of these crazy letters, but I don’t care for it one bit! Last week, I got so much of this so-called “Spiced-Ham” that I missed a letter from my friend Ira Munsche telling me about the all-day Matlock Marathon. Well, it’s a good thing that Artie taped it, or my pot would really be steamed! I’d be as mad as Ethel was when she found out that Artie taped a Matlock Marathon over her stories!
Where was I? Oh, that’s right. Stop sending me Spam!
(Although some Old Smokehouse™ Summer Sausage would be nice.)
Respectfully Yours,
Abraham W. Klompus