San Antonio, TX - Guests of the San Antonio Zoo did not suspect the humility they would be subject to when they passed through the turnstile late Tuesday.
“I just wanted my daughter to see some animals in their natural habitat,” said one parent of her crying child, “You know, like the polar bears enjoying the Texas sun, or those giraffes picking leaves off the mesquite trees. I didn’t expect to be assaulted.”
Eye witness accounts state that Jorbo the Howler Monkey was going about his normal daily routine of tearing up a newspaper and gazing despondently through the bars of his cage when suddenly he began scooping up large amounts of fecal matter and throwing it at the people trying to interact with him. Seven guests were pelted with dung including one rotund man who suffered a minor heart attack.
“I don’t understand it,” said one of Jorbo’s zookeepers, “The guests in question were just banging on the chain link fence surrounding his display like they always do. He should be desensitized to it by now.” The zookeeper went on to describe the scene in great detail, saying that he had never seen so much “runny [fecal matter] clinging to the faces of proud Americans since Bush got elected in 2000.”
With the outburst, zoo-goers were not allowed near Jorbo’s habitat all day today. This further confused his keepers as they said, “Today he seems so at peace. He has been napping all day and even seems to be smiling.”