Outraged Gorilla gets Frisky with Fat Woman
Local officials and zookeepers continue to search the area for Gregory the 900 lb. gorilla that escaped from Glooklick Park Zoo late this afternoon. A rotund woman, that prefers her name not be published, was interviewed by police and a report was filed. Visibly shaken, she stated to police, “That stupid monkey shot out of nowhere and did the humpty-dumpty on my backside!! Luckily, I was wearing pants. I screamed real loud, then I just turned around and looked at him, like, ‘Oh! No! You just didn‘t!!!’ He looked at me scared and took off. He knew what he‘d done was wrong.” Immediately after the assault, the large woman went after Gregory on foot in a hot pursuit. She was able to catch up with the ape and got in one hard strike with her purse. Unfortunately, a heel on her shoe broke loose and she was propelled violently to the ground. The gorilla was able to get away before he was further bludgeoned. Asked for additional comments, the big boned woman stated, “When I got lodged for over two hours in the zoo’s entrance turnstile this morning, I should’ve known right then and there it was going to be a really bad day to visit the zoo. Once they freed me, I should‘ve just gone on home. I‘ll sure think better of it next time it happens.”
Administrators of the zoo say that they will not filing any charges for the destruction of property caused to their turnstile by the unnamed woman and local rescue crews.
Reports from outside sources have testified that one of the Glooklick Park Zoo female giraffes in a nearby pen made numerous attempts to warn zoo administrators and security guards of dangerous behaviors brewing in the primate section. Zoo administers said they noticed the giraffe’s unusual leap with one straightened-leg-out antics, but were unable to able to decipher the meaning. “We didn’t know what the heck this giraffe was trying to tell us. We figured she was either in season or had a charlie horse,“ stated Glooklick Park Zoo’s CPO.
Since Gregory’s escape, a number of experts have stepped forward to aid in the situation. Dr. Biff Smith, an animal language interpreter of 57 years, stated in a recent interview, “It was just so obvious what the giraffe was trying to tell her people! This dangerous situation could have been avoided if only someone had listened. It is a crying shame that no one paid attention to this giraffe!!! My heart goes out to her.”
Legal counsel has been sought by all involved parties.
Any sightings of Glooklick Park Zoo‘s gorilla, actual and/or imagined, should be reported immediately to your local police. All citizen apprehensions should be avoided.