OUTRAGED GIRAFFE ATTACKS SUSPECT WITH BASEBALL BAT
On Saturday, terrified bystanders fled as a bereaved giraffe attempted to beat Jacob Schnossel to death with a baseball bat at the Starlight 30 Cinema Complex.
Apparently, the giraffe was central to a long-standing feud between Schnossel and his neighbor, Wilbur Roenig, who had objected to a fifty-foot fence erected by Schnossel between their houses.
Schnossel, in a phone interview earlier today, said he was skeptical of Mr. Roenig’s objections from the start. “When I brought my Daddy back from St. Clement’s Home for the Visually Impaired, his first remark was, “What fence?” Case closed. But not for Roenig. I tried to reason with him, but he’s one of these guys who finds fault wherever he looks. When he turned up at the cinema with that giraffe of his, I knew he was looking for trouble, especially as the giraffe was wearing a top hat.
I was watching an art movie, ‘Busty Teenage Vixens in Wet T-Shirts’, when he plonks hisself and that animal right in front of me. The nerve! I knew he was trying to make a point. All I did was ask him very politely to remove the giraffe’s hat. Instead, he shoved the handle of a baseball bat in the critter’s mouth and it went freakin’ berserk.”
What happened next is mere conjecture. Apparently Schnossel fled the cinema, pursued by the giraffe, with Roenig following. Schnossel leapt the turnstile, but the rather rotund Roenig seems to have gotten stuck in it.
Mr. Schnossel claims that the turnstile mechanism suddenly released, ejecting Roenig onto Highway 73, a four-lane truck route. Roenig engaged with the front grille of a passing semi, which took him to Bakersfield, 200 miles away, before the driver ‘realized he wasn’t a deer’.
Was Roenig ejected or was he pushed? Only the giraffe was witness to the sad event, and it disappeared immediately afterwards. Now, in a staggering turn of events, Schnossel claims he is being stalked by the animal.
This afternoon a neighbor, William Rossby, of 3245 Claremont Avenue, spoke to us on condition of strict anonymity, saying: “Schnossel is not a popular guy. Like, he started getting rid of pigeons in the neighborhood with a rocket launcher. Fact is, some of us wish he was being stalked.”
Schnossel has pointed out teeth marks on his second-floor windowsill but the police refuse to act, saying: “The guy’s a murder suspect. He probably did that himself; we don’t buy it. Besides, the giraffe is on the lam, why would it stick its neck out like this?”
Schnossel’s trial is due to start tomorrow and already irate neighbors are gathering outside the courtroom. One stood out in particular: a very tall man, wearing an ankle-length trench coat, sunglasses and a fedora. He carried a large placard that said: ‘Schnossel killed poor Wilbur, let the b― fry’. Our outside reporter was unable to elicit any verbal comments from him, though he concluded the man might have been a well-known basketball player from his unusual height.