PLAINSVILLE Local police and paramedics responded to the Upper Platter grocery store at 5th and Market on the evening of May 14th to answer a radio call that was only described as “a person in distress”. Before the night ended, representatives from the FBI and Fish and Game departments would arrive. In the end, Hugo Appettit would only be saved by the Plainsville fire department rescue team, thanks to the device that is commonly referred to as the jaws of life.
Appettit, self-proclaimed gourmand, had the misfortune of getting stuck in one of the newly installed turnstiles at the Upper Platter. As he was being extracted, Appettit agreed to share his version of what had happened. Here is his story.
“I understand the need for security, really I do,” started Appettit. “I’ve been shopping here since they opened a few months ago. Where else can you go to get a fist-sized chunk of fois gras, or black truffles by the handful? Nowhere. And have you seen their cheese section?”
Appettit stifled a burp which irritated his more than likely bruised ribs.
“They give you free samples, you know. Anyway, this place has a lot of top quality stuff, so the security measures are understandable. I just wish they weren’t so tight, so to speak.”
As a regular shopper at the store, Appettit occasionally enjoyed special treatment. This night, the butcher called him aside and informed him that he had exceptional steaks available for purchase.
“I couldn’t resist,” moaned Appettit as he shifted his considerable weight. “The marbling was wonderful. When he told me it was giraffe meat, I didn’t think about stuff like: ‘Is this edible?’. It just looked tasty. So I bought it.”
The jaws of life team cut away at the turnstile beams with an electric saw.
“When we bring in the jaws, they tend to mangle stuff, so it reduces the possibility of maiming if we cut away extraneous metal protrusions beforehand,” Chief Hydron explained. “With someone this big, we have to take every precaution.”
The FBI and Fish and Game people took a few steps back, all the while scribbling on yellow notepads. The saw sent sparks into the air as it screamed through the metal.
A man in a polyester suit, later identified as Joseph Sarms, approached and the FBI and Fish and Game people expertly cuffed and stuffed him.
From the backseat of the car he called out:
“I did nothing wrong! That guy’s just fat! He’s more than fat! He’s rotund”
The immense pliers, or “jaws” eventually loosened Appettit from his turnstile prison.
Joseph Sarms, manager of the Upper Platter and fancier of polyester suits, will be brought up on numerous federal charges, including the illegal import and sale of protected species, failure to meet safety regulations in the workplace, and resisting arrest.
Freed from the turnstile, Appetit went home and ran on a formerly unused treadmill.
Then he got hungry, so he had a snack.