Outraged Orangutan Escapes Enclosure with Innocent Hostage
SAN DIEGO – In a daring daylight display, Oscar the Orangutan broke out of the Zoo and remains at large. Zookeepers are warning nearby residents to remain in their homes until Oscar is apprehended.
“He snapped, he just snapped,” said Jim Williams, Chief Orangutan Officer of the Zoo.
According to witnesses, Oscar was attempting to take a mid-morning nap when the incident occurred. An unidentified teenager, eager to impress his girlfriend, began mimicking the orangutan courting ritual. Oscar thought that the rotund boy was attempting to seduce him and took immediate steps to reaffirm his maleness and sexual orientation.
Unfortunately, the outraged orangutan’s actions were misinterpreted by zoo officials.
“Many of the Zoo’s visitors are young children, and we strive to ensure that all animal displays are suitable for guests under the age of 10,” explained Williams.
Zoo officials immediately approached Oscar to escort him to a secluded area where he could conclude his display in private. That was when it happened.
“The big monkey jumped high,” said Crissy Smith, a visiting kindergartener.
“Jumped high” was an understatement. Running from the officials, Oscar approached the retaining wall at full speed. Then, in a move that would make the NBA proud, he hurtled the 15 foot wall, landing in the adjoining giraffe compound.
Taking advantage of the chaos that his appearance caused, he grabbed a large stick from the ground and mounted the nearest giraffe, Emma. Shimmying up her neck, he then held the stick to her throat, threatening to strangle her.
Unofficial sources confirmed that it is the Zoo’s policy not to negotiate with terrorists. However, this policy is routinely waived when one of the parties is an endangered species.
“As always, our first concern is for our residents,” stated Williams.
Using Emma as a hostage, Oscar negotiated his way to the front of the zoo. Witnesses report that he attempted to get the giraffe through the turnstile, but it wasn’t large enough to accommodate her lanky frame. At this point, Oscar vaulted from her neck, over the turnstile, and disappeared among a crowd of elementary school children who were leaving the zoo.
Oscar is considered armed and dangerous, and officials are urging residents to avoid any contact with him.
“He has a stick, and he has demonstrated that he's not afraid to use it,” they stated.
When questioned if they had a message for the missing primate, Williams had only one thing to say.
“This is all a terrible misunderstanding. Oscar, if you can hear this, please come home. The females are worried about you. Please, we can work this out.”
When Oscar was last seen, he was about 4 feet tall, with a dark complexion, brown eyes, and orange-red hair covering his body. When standing, his knuckles brush the ground, and his favorite foods are bananas and apples. If you see Oscar the Orangutan, please dial 9-1-1 immediately.