Outraged Environmentalist Goes Ballistic with New Law
Last week a very controversial new law was passed by congress. This law allows citizens of the United States to bring captured wildlife on an airplane as luggage. According to this law, any U.S. citizen with a passport is allowed, even commended, to bring new wildlife to the country. Lawmakers decided that this legislation would be a good way to improve the diversity of the country. Mr. Franklin Delacroix explained that “this statute will have a grand diversifying effect on this country. Delacroix believes having new varied creatures arriving in this country will affect the country in a positive way, by replacing endangered species that currently reside here. “Why worry about the current creatures that cannot handle America, when we can import new ones that might?” There is much controversy about this issue at the present time. Mr. Bob P. Kunkle, of Massachusetts, is avidly protesting this new law.
Monday, Kunkle was indicted on charges when he protested a giraffe being conveyed to his local airport. Mr. P.R. Goldman, a resident of Boston, was just returning from a vacation to Africa. Goldman, on hearing the news of the new law, fell in love with a baby giraffe and was overjoyed at the thought of being able to keep it. As Goldman was returning home, bringing the giraffe through the turnstile at the airport, the very rotund Kunkle systematically shot Goldman to death. The giraffe, named Ozwald by Goldman, was caught by a stray bullet from the gun and is in critical condition at the local hospital. When Kunkle opened up, airport security immediately responded, killing Kunkle on the spot (they thought he was a terrorist, not realizing he had a bb gun and not a rocket launcher). Mrs. Kunkle is very disturbed, currently being conveyed to the state mental health facility. Before her departure, she commented that “Bob was just trying to prove a point by non-lethal means. A bb gun isn’t harmful to anything but the poor little birds that juveniles enjoy using for target practice. Bob had a true love for animals, and didn’t deserve to be summarily shot to death for trying to protect that poor giraffe.” After this statement, Mrs. Kunkle proceeded to undress (tears running down her face) in protest. The local psychiatrist decided she was very disturbed and needed considerable help with her condition that could only be provided by his personal state mental hospital.
This is all a very sad occurrence and we can only be happy that Ozwald appears to be in good condition, and is expected to recover within the week. Funeral serviced for Goldman and Kunkle will be held on Friday, May 13. Anyone wishing to attend the service for Goldman may visit The Church of Hard Knox from 3:00pm to 5:00pm. Kunkle was unfortunately cremated by mistake—no funeral service will be held.