Man, it’s been a slow night. It must be Tuesday. Tuesdays are always slow.
But then, slow nights are becoming the norm for an old-fashioned three-reeler like me. Everyone loves the new five-reelers with the video screens and bonus games. It seems like the more you assault people’s senses with flashy graphics and wild sound effects, the happier they are – even as their last nickels disappear from their pockets.
Don’t get me wrong. I still see my fair share of action, but it’s mostly from retirees who don’t trust the newfangled machines. I can’t say I blame them. Have you seen the payouts on those five-reelers? Some of those machines have 15 payout lines and yet they still manage to gradually bleed you dry. People bet fifteen coins and get nine back, and they’re so happy to have won something that they don’t even realize they’re actually losing. It’s pretty ingenious, really.
Maybe I’m a little jealous. After all, a classic three-reeler like me can’t rely on that kind of financial sleight-of-hand. No, I come from a simpler era. One payout line. Get three bars, you win. Get three sevens, you win more. Anything else, you lose. Nice. Simple. Neat.
Wait. There’s a blue-haired sucker… errr, customer heading this way. That’s right, sweetheart. Come over here and feed me those lovely quarters you’re holding in that cup.
Hey, where are you going? No! Don’t go over to the Wheel of Fortune slots! Those machines are a bunch of thieves! Come back!
What’s going on? Is the older crowd losing interest in me too? Don’t you people have any respect for the classics? Do you know who used to play me back in the day? The great Dino! That’s right! So what makes you people think I’m not good enough for you any more? If I’m good enough for Dean Martin’s money, I’m damn well good enough for yours!
Oh. Here comes the maintenance crew. Hi, guys. Did you come by to give me a tune-up? My arm feels like it’s starting to stick a little. There’s no need for you to have brought that dolly, though. Just squirt a little WD-40 and I’ll be fine.
Hey, what are you… what’s going on? What are you doing? Why are you loading me onto the dolly? Where are you taking me?
Ahh, I see. You must be moving me to a high-traffic area. Smart move, fellas. If more people see me, some of them will stop and play. It’ll be just like the old days.
But… this doesn’t look like a very high-traffic area, guys. In fact, it looks more like a warehouse. Why are you… hey! Is that the Slotsa Luck machine there in the corner? Holy cow! I haven’t seen him in, what… twenty years? Yeah, it must be at least…
Twenty years?
Oh.
Oh cripes.