Crest Toothpaste
1625 Noplack Ave.
Sacramento, CA 92034
Dear Toothpaste People,
I have been a loyal customer of your excellent product for as many years as I can remember. My first memory is of my mom squeezing out the proper amount of your fine tooth cleansing agent (pea sized as recommended on your package) onto my toothbrush. I do have fond memories of childhood with Crest toothpaste. In fact, my family and I have been known to give Crest as birthday presents, and believe me, it is a gift that is truly treasured.
There is one question I was hoping you could have cleared up for me once and for all. Recently, upon reading the fine print on your packaging (I often read and re-read the entirety of the recommended uses and ingredients - my favorite ingredient is isobutoehtylconsuanamine), I found the words, "For best results, squeeze tube from the bottom". This startled and disturbed me greatly. When teeth-brushing time comes (and I brush after every meal, as recommended), I am so eager to get brushing that I quickly grab the tube and begin squeezing the tube from wherever my grubby little hands happen to grab the tube. I fear I don't have the patience to painstakingly flatten the tube out and methodically squeeze the beloved contents out from the bottom–I am much too excited to delay the beginning of my brushing experience.
My dilemma grows deeper in that I have grown to trust your advice (as in the aforementioned proper toothpaste amount and frequency of brushing), so I know there must be a reason for your recommendation of toothpaste squeezing technique. Am I to be subject to ill-effects in the long haul if I am over-eager and continue to squeeze the tube from the middle, or am I simply missing out on some further tooth-brushing bliss that could be attained from the proper use of your product?
This is a matter of grave importance to me, and I lay awake at night worrying that I may have caused myself years of irreversible damage from improper usage of your product. Which begs the question–why did you just now start informing us, the beloved consumer, of this proper usage tip? I know it has not been there before, because, as I have already mentioned, I read the tube in it's entirety as soon as it comes home from the store, and I would have surely remembered such a notice being posted on your product.
Please respond quickly, and if could send me an autographed 8x10 of your CEO (who makes my three times daily Crest-enjoying sessions possible), I would be delighted.
Your devoted fan,
Finky Winklestein