Jerry tore open the pink packet of sugar substitute and emptied it into his mug, lightly dusting the pile of powered creamer already resting on the bottom. Holding the cup up the spout of the carafe, he pushed down on the lever, dispensing a stream of hot coffee. The brew mixed with the other two ingredients, forming a light brown concoction. As Jerry prepared the day’s first cup of coffee, Andrew passed by the doorway to the break room.
“Have a good weekend, Jerry?”
“Hmmph!”
That about summed it up for Jerry. Hmmph. Actually, the weekend was much like every other weekend. He spent all day Saturday and the early part of Sunday performing various tasks around the house: yard work, cleaning, minor repairs, bills, and any number of other chores. The difference came Sunday night. Jerry didn’t mind giving his all on the weekend, as long as he could wind down Sunday night in front of the television with a couple of DVD’s and a Budweiser. But last night wasn’t any Sunday night. It was Halloween.
Now, Jerry held no animosity toward the holiday itself. He just didn’t want to be caught up in all the Trick-or-Treat activities. Therefore, he never bought any candy and always kept his porch light off, which was the universal sign for “No candy. Don’t bother knocking. Just go away!” Still, a few ghouls and ghosts ignored the warning and knocked anyway, requiring Jerry to pause his movie, answer the door and disappoint the youth with the bad news.
Despite all this, however, Halloween did have one thing going for it. Left over candy! The day after Halloween always produced a glorious feast for Jerry. Everyone in the office would bring in their surplus candy and offer it up to the masses by placing it in a large plastic bowl. The bowl would sit in the break room, a communal stockpile free for the taking. While the majority of the goodies were off-brand lollipops and hard candies, a fair amount of chocolates could be found in the hoard. Hershey’s miniatures, individually wrapped Mounds and Almond Joys, bite-sized Peanut Butter Cups. But Jerry’s favorite were the Kit Kat’s. Was it any wonder they were shaped like little elongated chocolate bars of gold? Rather fitting, he thought, for the crème-de-la . . .
Jerry stared at the empty table. No bowl of candy. No miniature chocolate delights. Not even a crumpled wrapper. Nothing.
“This isn’t right,” he thought. Never in ten year’s with the company has Jerry’s chocolate lust gone unfulfilled the day after Halloween. Why was this year different? Did everyone suddenly become stingy? This just simply wouldn’t do! He wouldn’t let them get away with this!
Clutching his coffee, Jerry stormed out of the break room in the direction of his cubicle. He wanted to yell at someone. He wanted to hit something. But being a small, unassuming man, he was not prone to outbursts or violence. That wasn’t his way, nor would inflicting harm to a co-worker be wise. Instead, he opted to rely on less destructive means. He would thrash them with the written word!
Finally reaching his workstation, Jerry accessed the company’s email system.
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: WHERE THE HELL’S THE CANDY?
IN PREVIOUS YEARS, EMPLOYEES WHO CHOSE TO HAND
OUT CANDY ON HALLOWEEN HAVE BROUGHT IN THE
LEFT OVERS TO SHARE. IF YOU ARE NEW, UNDERSTAND
THIS IS TO EXPECTED OF YOU IN THE FUTURE. IF
YOU’RE NOT NEW, WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU THIS
YEAR!
DON’T TELL ME YOU HANDED IT ALL OUT. DID YOU
EAT IT ALL, YOU PIGS! ARE YOU HOARDING IT ALL
FOR YOURSELVES, YOU SELFISH B@STARDS!
I’M GIVING YOU 24 HOURS TO CORRECT THIS MISTAKE.
BY TOMORROW MORNING AT 9:00 I EXPECT TO SEE A
BOWL FULL OF CANDY IN THE BREAKROOM. IF YOU
DON’T HAVE ANY LEFT OVER, GO OUT AND BUY SOME.
AND THERE BETTER BE SOME KIT KAT’S, OR ELSE
SOMEBODY MIGHT GET HURT.
EOM