Not again. I just want to sleep. It's been a month. One horrible month. One month ago, when I came home to a nearly empty house. To an empty bed. Spouse gone children gone. Money gone. I'm left with this big house and my thoughts. Annoying, nagging thoughts.
Was I a bad spouse, lover, parent? What drove them away? Why can't I sleep? It's not my fault. They don't understand how I felt. I did everything I could. I provided. I cared. I loved. It's all my fault. God, why can't I sleep? I want to sleep.
Are they awake? Do they care how hurt I am? I miss them, all of them. To see that smile looking at me from across the table. Not a camera smile, a slight turning of the lips that someone makes when looking at someone they love. the one they can't hold back even to be respectable. But it's been more than a month since I'd seen that, anyway. Maybe that should have been a sign. A warning. Maybe it was when I stopped getting a hug for no reason other than that I was loved. Oh, to feel that warm body next to mine at night as I pass into sleep. Blissful sleep. Why can't I sleep?
I wish I could see my kids. Laughing and playing outside like nothing is wrong with the world. To have them rush up to me and hold my legs laughing and giggling. To have them ask a question that to me seems to have an obvious an obvious answer, and then think I'm the smartest person in the world because I can answer it. that stopped before last night too. Looking back the signs seem so obvious. Why couldn't I have seen them then? I'd have... I don't know, something. I wish that I were up now because one of them had a nightmare or heard weird noises in the walls or something. I wish I could put them to bed and go back to sleep. Sleep.
Damn fly, leave me alone!
Why did my life end? Why, why, why? Maybe my existence should end too. I should pick up some sleeping pills at the pharmacy tomorrow. Maybe I could go to a psychiatrist and get something really strong. I wonder what sleep is like when your drifting out of life. Must be peaceful. Peaceful sleep. Huunhhh.
My boss got on me today. Said I was losing my edge. What does she know? Did she ever lose everything she ever loved or cared for!? Maybe she did. Maybe she’s sat on her bed looking out her bedroom window wishing she’d been a better… whatever. I don’t even know if she’s ever been married. Who am I to condemn her? Maybe I should ask her. That might be a new beginning. Maybe that guy who works with me. Maybe he can be a beginning. Maybe if I begin something, I won’t die over the ending. Maybe then I can get some sleep.
Watching the sun crawl over the horizon, I realize, it's an end. AN. One. Not THE. That means I got a few more beginnings to get past. I'm going to sleep.