It is a sad day when an old and overworked squirrel such as this one passes away. Centuries ago, as a young rodent, this fine fellow entered the world and started up his own multinational business centre, selling cheese and whiskey to underappriciated french turtledoves. He had a monopoly in the business, and was performing exceedingly well, stocks were up and his minions worked happily and hard for him.
Out on a business venture one day, he met with a rare, red female squirrel, of course it was spring, and love was in the air. I’d say they were at it like rabbits, but as a rabbit has less than one minutes stamina im sure they were at it more like lions, 30+ times a day! They married happily, under an oak tree, with a three headed own as priest and soon enough hoards of baby squirrels were born, unfortunately some died to cats, dogs and baked potatoes but in the end, three made it through college, all with high chefs degrees and an uncontrollable butter craving.
As our hero was entering his mid years, during the Battle of Hastings, he ran into a female budgerigar. The affair started, he became shady, and hid things from his wife for the first time. Soon they were arguing, needless to say the paparazzi took interest and soon enough there were pictures of him and the budgie, gorging themselves on some unknown white creamy substance, in laundry baskets all over the British tabloids.
He then went on to get involved in an underground hampster mafia controlled series of stick insect races, which of course were crocked. He did exceedingly well at first, but one day managed to offend Don Hammy, by eating nuts in his presence. He lost all his money on the next few bets and was beaten six ways from sunday, leaving him disgraced and owner of a humiliated company.
And after numerous phone calls at 3 am, demanding to know where the gorgonzola was, his wife divorced him and ran off with the milkman. The three kids took over his business in a hostile take over bid, and threw him out onto the street.
Then, in his alcohol induced state, flashbacks of his past came to him. He remembered the war that had happened when he was a child, when squirrel armies, which his father was assigned to, went to destroy the “dragon” terrorising their community.
Even with the squirrels allies the purple lettuces, the Iguana was more than a match for them. So when the squirrels sallied forth, on their pigmy ponies, carrying their small needle shaped spears, the slaughter began. There were nuts and bits of fur everywhere when our young fellow explored the battle field for survivors, he was just in time to see his fathers brave last stand, protecting an injured lettuce general, as the Iguana mercilessly crushed him with its hind feet. Our hero fell to his knees, and called out to God to save them and unbelievably a Gecko angel shrouded in light descended from the heavens, broom in hand and slew the beast. There was rejoicing, but the squirrel could never get the memory of his fathers last, brave moments from his mind. Now they were back to haunt him, with his father blaming him for breaking the jam drinking world record.
His time in boarding school haunted him to, where he had been tortured and beaten daily, even for minor offences like sneezing when spoken to.
It was all too much for him and his sanity dwindled.
He had no option, but to sell himself out as a computer squirrel. As they were the most advanced form of computer processors in the Tudor times, he'd climb into the back of the monitor, climb onto a wooden, termite infested wheel, and run and run, until the day was up. He would be paid a lump of porridge a day (porridge being the currency at the time) though most of this went on his newly developed peanut addiction.
He'd hit rock bottom and his life was hell. Until one day, when standing on the side of the road, offering himself to all that passed by, a vampire found him and put him in a nice home where he could live a life of luxury - peanuts whenever he wanted, free internet access, as much adult material as he could imagine. It was heaven. All he did in return was to keep the vampires computer running, which he devoted himself to. He had joy in his life once again and was truly happy for the first time in years. He even became oddly friendly with the mouse at times, but that's another story.
Sadly, this great being is no longer here. May he rest in piece.