This is Thaddeus Bunny.
See his long ears?
See his deep pink eyes? Aren’t they pretty?
Feel his soft white fur?
How many feet does Thaddeus have?
Thaddeus has FOUR feet!
Isn’t Thaddeus cute?
Thaddeus is missing!
Is Thaddeus behind the bush? (No)
Is Thaddeus inside the house? (No)
Is Thaddeus inside the television? (No)
Is Thaddeus up in a tree? (No)
Is Thaddeus at the mall? (No)
Where could Thaddeus be!
Is Thaddeus at the Orange Julius? (No)
Is Thaddeus in the theatre watching Vincent Gallo’s Brown Bunny? (God no, no one is)
Is Thaddeus in the bathroom looking for a special friend? (No)
Is Thaddeus shooting up in the alley behind the XXX theater where his sister, Magdalena, caught hepatitis C from a dirty needle filled with heroine she received in exchange for sex? (Nope, sorry)
I’m really getting worried! Are you?
Is Thaddeus in the morgue, a victim of a drive-by or gang hit? (No)
Is Thaddeus in the pit of the rival gang, The Pitbulls, who are fighting for control over the Bunny’s territory? (No)
Is Thaddeus in the clink, finally picked up for that double-homicide two weeks ago? (Nope, the pigs got nothing on Thaddeus)
Where, oh Where, is Thaddeus?
Is Thaddeus in a vampire lair being drained slowly because his blood is the sweet nectar of life? (No)
Is Thaddeus with the zombies where his sweet, sweet brain is being chewed on by Lucinda, the hottest zombie to ever suck on the hypothalamus? (No, but she sure is hot, even though, technically, she’s really cold. Death does that to you.)
Is Thaddeus in the tummy of Wally the Werewolf, eaten as a light pre-hunt snack? (Yes, yes he is)
Oh no! What is Thaddeus doing in Wally’s tummy?
Is Thaddeus climbing over his best friend, James, in an attempt to escape Wally’s gastric juices? (Yes)
Is Thaddeus screaming in pain because his left foot has already begun to digest and acid is dripping on his ears? (Yes)
Is Thaddeus’ fluffy fur slowly burning off leaving his skin even more exposed? (Yup, poor guy)
Is Thaddeus giving Wally gas? (A little, Wally forgot to take his Zantac, and his GERD is acting up.)
Is Thaddeus making promises to God that he knows he’ll never keep? (Yup, wouldn’t you? I would!)
Is Thaddeus almost completely digested now? (Yes)
Don’t you feel sad? (Not really. I know it was him that killed my baby mama and our son. He deserved to die. Who do you think told Wally where he was and gave him that barbecue sauce? Think it was a member of the Pitbulls? Those idiots couldn’t catch a bunny if its ears were nailed to the wall. And the cops, they had video surveillance! I saw the tape, my cousin Neecee works at that bodega- she showed me a copy. But the pigs are controlled by the Bunny’s, they didn’t do a thing, just turned the other way. And then Thaddeus had the nerve to threaten me! Said I could be next and that’s what happens when you don’t do things the Bunny way. Well, this is what happens when you cross me. You end up a werewolf’s delicacy.)
What did we learn today? (Don’t go poppin’ my family and expect to live to tell the tale)