For the record, it is never cloudy in Southern California. It never rains here, it never gets below 70 degrees Fahrenheit, and everyone has a permanent smile on their face because this is the most idyllic place in the world. Nothing bad ever happens here. I have a palm tree in my back yard and if I trip over my front stoop, I will fall into the Pacific ocean. To put it plainly, I live in paradise.
Not exactly the kind of place you would expect to find a werewolf.
Because, you know, it is really sunny here and there is a lot of beach and surfers and palm trees and all that stuff that everyone else who has never been to the west coast thinks is the majestic beauty of the west.
Bottom line, is that it is really sunny here. No secret. That’s it. And we don’t trash our beaches. That’s it.
And just to be perfectly clear, the sun kind of gets in the way of the whole full-moon-thing. I need a full moon for full werewolf transformation. Not that a clear sky diminishes the effect of a full moon, but it is so much cooler when the full moon passes dramatically from behind a fluffy cloud. You know what I mean. Right? I mean, how cool is that? Very cinematic and totally visually freakin’ awesome.
Seriously, the last full moon, I was gearing up for a big scare. I practiced some extra-scary claw-curls. My face was sore from the additional scowl exercises I tried. Yet the anticipated dramatic moon-passing-from-behind-fluffy-clouds-thing left me with no weapons since the sky was clear. The thing people don't realize about coastal moons is that they don't rise. They just show up once someone notices the moon in the sky. Sunsets on the coast are so spectacular, even at their worst, no one is looking for the moon. West coast sunset spectators are clinging to that last glimpse of the sun, that last water glow, perhaps even that unattainable green flash, but the moon is an afterthought.
It is always clear here. I think that’s what I’m trying to say, actually. In fact, I would say it more succinctly and accurately if that ringing would stop.
You don’t hear that? Oh, my. Well, what do you know? That’s my cell phone. Maybe things are taking off for me after all.
Actually, if you don’t mind, I need to take this call.
Sorry ‘bout that. It turns out that was a good call, though, so I’m not that sorry after all. This is show business and all that.
My agent thinks I could land the part as a vampire in an upcoming movie. Can you believe that? I always get miscast. Sometimes I think I should change agents, but he did a good job casting me as a caveman in those Geico commercials. Hrumph.
The make-up job was a chore, but I enjoyed acting in a comedic role, if it was only for that one time. It is so hard to find diverse roles when you are a werewolf. The makeup team for Geico were so awesome. They helped me out a lot And the whole “Wow, are you really a werewolf?” thing was mellowed out by the fact that they had to trim my facial hairs a bit to make me look like a caveman.
Weirder even: some people on the set thought I was really a caveman.
Can you believe that? How humiliating for cavemen! My goodness, they are such a repressed and unrecognized race, a group of hominids that never got their due respect. Kind of a kindred folk with the werewolf clan if you think about it. At least that’s what the Geico people told me. I don’t even know anymore. At one time, I thought I could find my way in society through acting, through portraying my hirsute kind in a positive light. It was as if I had a mission to represent my kind in a positive way.
And as a werewolf, who willingly took a job portraying a caveman just for the money, who has been miscast as a vampire, I don’t know if I have anything left to look forward to except for extra calls on some throwaway show on the USA network.
Is this my destiny? Compromising? Demeaning myself to portray something I am not? I have nothing against vampires or cavemen. I just don’t think I could misrepresent them again in the future. However, garlic clove necklaces are not exactly in style, and last I heard, no one bothered making silver bullets other than that lame beer company in Colorado.
No, really. Nobody is making silver bullets anymore…
Right?