Every day I wonder if today will be the day my inner secret is exposed. I live each day anticipating that catastrophe. This fear adds depth to the insecurity blanket in which I wrap myself uncomfortably. Will those I work with realize I honestly do not know what I am doing? No matter how hard I appear to be an organized, intelligent woman, I fret the secret that I am an imposter will surface with such rapidity as to cause imminent harm in those who find themselves too close when my secret airs.
This feeling is with me weekly … daily … hourly. There are times when a half hour slides by and I forget to be concerned that my best is not good enough, but then I remember and I grimace internally. I hear phrases repeating in my head “I’m crazy if I think I can do this.” “I’m stupid.” “I don’t have a clue.” “Oh my God what am I doing?” “I’ll just ignore this for another hour.” I wonder where I picked up these harmful thoughts? I wonder where along the way my thinking became skewed? When did I learn to sabotage myself so well? Regardless of the answers I find, this constant barrage of negativity rules my world.
Each day when I wake up, I wonder if today is the day. Is today the day the façade falls? Is today the day the foundation I have painstakingly worked to maintain crumbles? Is today the day I can stop worrying about being discovered for the fraud I am? Unfortunately, I think that day is a long time away and thus I must continue hiding my fears and appear to those around me as a competent, capable, intelligent woman, when deep down inside, I know the truth.