An alarm clock went off next to Jim's head; startled awake at the unexpected noise, he quickly sat up and mumbled, "huh? wha? huh?" as he made a confused face and looked around the room, until finally locating the offending noise maker on the night stand, about six inches from his pillow.
"Damnit, what time IS it?" Jim asked himself, as he scratched his rear end.
"Noon?" he said in annoyance, after looking at the clock, "It's too damn early! Why do I have to get up at NOON???"
As Jim prepared to go back to sleep, his bedroom door opened, and his mother walked in carrying breakfast on a platter. "Here's a nice big breakfast to get you going! Today's the big day, Jimmy!"
"The big day for what?" Jim asked sleepily.
"Silly goose, the day you look for a job! I know you've been in a slump for a few years, since you got fired for spitting in the food at McDonald's, but you're 43 now, and I think you've matured enough to try for something better!", his mom cheerfully replied.
Jim looked at his mother with a combination of suspicion and fear, as the horrid thought of having to earn his keep came creeping into his mind, and he asked, "What kind of better?"
"Your uncle knows a guy who's the assistant manager at Walmart! I thought maybe you could apply there! They don't have any open food in the store, so you can't spit in it, and as long as you stay out of the knife section, you won't be violating your parole!", replied his mother, then she left the room.
"Crap." Jim muttered as he headed to the bathroom, scratching his backside again, this time with more gusto. After using the toilet, Jim smelled his fingers and decided that they weren't too dirty, so he could wait to wash them. Picking up a piece of sausage in one hand, he took a bite, then started picking his nose. By the time breakfast had been eaten, and his fingers licked clean, Jim had come up with a plan for the day - if he went to Walmart, and filled out an application with someone else's name, he wouldn't be lying to his mother about putting in an application, and then he could use his mom's ATM card to buy himself some new t-shirts. That would keep her from asking him to get a job for at least another month.
Slowly digging his stinkiest clothes from the bottom of the large, moldy heap of dirty laundry on the floor, Jim dressed and got ready to leave.
"Life is good." Jim said quietly to himself, as he thought of getting home in time to watch "Oprah" and "Dr. Phil" on TV, before heading out to the bar to pick up chicks.
"Yep," he said, "Life is good."