Has been through police chases, illegal drag races, and too many getaways to count. Lost two wheels to police gunfire; the other two are flat. Engine and radio last seen being carried off by two hoodlums. Upholstery: fine, despite the permanent smell of beer and intercourse in the backseat (cigarette butts can be easily removed). Windows: broken, but like my mom always says, “There’s nothing duct tape can’t fix”. Paint job: What people call “bullet holes, rusty patches, and a slipshod attempt at applying Bondo on the hood,” I call a quilt highlighting this vehicle’s wacky adventures involving illicit deals and Johnny Law. Steering wheel—gone. Floorboard—gone.
Feature that sets it apart from other cars: It makes a lovely summer home for the homeless derelict with discriminating taste! For sale: $5000 or best offer.