I, Ricky Williams, running back for the New Orleans Saints... no, wait, uhhh... running back for the Miami Dolphins do hereby resolve to finally pass that drug test.
I know I have failed the league sanctioned drug test every time I've taken it. And I have been suspended from the NFL because of my failure. But I swear: I DID take drugs. I knew they were going to test me for drugs, so the first thing I did was get myself cranked. I sure enough didn't want to fail! But somehow, I did fail even though I was so high, I was getting altitude sickness.
So kids, stay in school, take your tests seriously. And I promise you; I will pass that drug test. Maybe if I took steriods too?