To: Executive Management
From: Technology Services
RE: System Optimization for Compliance with ITIL/ITSM Policy
Sirs:
The weekly meeting of the ITICMPDG (IT Infrastructure Change Management Preliminary Discussion Group) successfully addressed the linear process of Service Level Management (SLM) in accordance with the Service Level Requirements (SLR) and the Service Specification Sheets (Spec Sheets) as they integrate within the Service Quality Plan (SQP).
It was determined that to merge the existing budgetary constraints with the current level of System Quality Potential (SQP), we can achieve our Critical Success Factors (CSF) by lowering the Infrastructure Uptime Expectations (IUE) to meet the Overall Performance Indicators (OPI) of the functional realities.
Henceforth, Infrastructure Services will implement state-of-the-art round-robin technology to address the company’s Capacity Management (CM) issues. Resource users will be allocated processing time based on Fluctuating Flatus Frequency (FFF) using a Time-Dilation Factor (T/DF) algorithm. Demand for processing resources will rotate within the parameters of the Key Performance Indicators (KPI) and the overall attenuation and prominence of the user.
Modifications to the IT Services Network Optimization Plan (ITSNOP) will be deliberated with Perpetual Prospectivity (PP), then black-boxed to a service management vendor for continuation engineering.
Regards,
Ira DuFwap
Systems Engineer
Management insists on compliance with the latest quality standards, but refuses to fund any additional hardware expenditures, and will waste additional resources by conducting worthless meetings and inventing meaningless acronyms. In the meantime, the system will continue to crash on a regular basis if anyone attempts to open a spreadsheet and pass gas at the same time. Users who complain about system performance will be ignored unless they yell a lot or could actually fire Ira, the only IT person. He will continue to hold useless meetings until he can find a vendor naive enough to provide a service contract.