‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse…
I wish. Whoever wrote that had never driven for M&M Claus Holiday Delivery.
“Easy on the reins!” Louis barked.
“Women drivers!”
I was the first female driver for M&M Claus and not all of the reindeer were happy about it. I’d have to earn their respect one household at a time.
Our first stop soon came into view. Candy canes, plastic Santas and thousands of Christmas lights filled the yard. As we landed on the roof, music drifted up from below.
“Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer…” I smothered a laugh as Joe, Louis and the boys started grumbling. Red nose or not, Rudolph wasn’t the most popular deer on the block. GPS had replaced him a few years ago, but his legend still continued to grow, much to the chagrin of his anti-fan club. Listening to the Ballad of Rudolph just made it worse.
Humming along, I hopped out of the sleigh and reached into the gift bag for the next present. But instead of a nicely-wrapped gift, my hand closed around something long, thin, cold…and alive.
I pulled my hand out of the bag and a long, black snake came with it. Eight sets of male eyes watched me, daring me to scream. I gave them my brightest smile.
“Isn’t he cute?” I lied. It was a good thing the night had made the snake semi-comatose, or Santa himself would have heard me screaming.
I had one leg in the chimney before I realized I had a problem. Usually I drop the presents down the chimney, then follow to finish the delivery. Obviously this wasn’t going to work, so I had two options; wrap the reptile around my neck or tuck it into my shirt. Into my uniform he went.
I was halfway down the chimney before the snake woke up.
I leapt out of that fireplace in record time. Unfortunately, my screams had drawn an audience. Two young boys in Spiderman pajamas hid behind their mom while their dad stood in front of them, clad only in his tighty-whiteys.
The snake chose that moment to begin an in-depth exploration of my chest.
Red fabric and white fur flew as I tore open my shirt. I grabbed the snake and a flick of my wrist sent him flying.
Who knew that snakes were so aerodynamic? It sailed gracefully through the air, stopping only when it hit mom’s face – and dropped into her nightgown.
Mom started dancing like – well, like she had a snake in her nightgown. The boys shrieked in delight and demanded that she share her new toy. Dad just stood there, torn between helping his wife and confronting the half-naked woman in a Santa suit standing in his living room.
Before he could decide, I scampered up the chimney. Screams mingled with Joe’s catcalls and strains of Rudolph the Red-nosed reindeer as we took off into the night.