Simon P. Morris looked down at his clipboard and sighed. The show would be premiering in less than a month, and yet the director still could not be bothered to show up for rehearsal on time. Had he still been in charge of the production, things would have been a lot different. But no, Mr. Wakowschkerwitz would only make a donation to the theatre in exchange for the role of director. And given that his superiors viewed the world through dollar sign pupils, they had of course agreed. No respect for the art; they or the idiot they let direct the next production.
“What else can you expect from a moron wearing women’s flats?” he muttered under his breath. As if to provide an answer, the new director chose that exact moment to arrive, throwing open the double doors for his grand entrance. Pat strode down the aisle at a leisurely pace, sporting a garish Hawaiian shirt ‘for comfort’, a bright pair of athletic shorts ‘for function’, and a plaid pair of women’s flats ‘for medical reasons’. “Orthopedic problems my foot,” said Simon, glaring over the rim of his clipboard.
“Hello, all!” said Pat, in a booming, friendly voice. “Let’s begin rehearsal! We’ve only got a month left before ‘Tony and Cleo’ hits the stage!” Simon bit his lip; Pat had yet to refer to the play by its given name. “But before we begin, I want everyone to gather around. I’ve had a few new ideas that I think will really be able to sell this to a modern crowd.
“I think we can all agree that most of the Egypt scenes fall flat. And it’s through no fault of your own, lemme tell you,” he added quickly, looking around at his actors. “I think that the setting itself seems a bit bland. In the play, Egypt is supposed to be a land of sensual pleasure in comparison to Rome. But they both seem the same. But then it hit me- chorus lines.”
Simon bit down so hard that he drew blood. “I beg your pardon?” he asked, his hand distractedly rubbing his lip.
“Brilliant, isn’t it?” replied Pat, completely oblivious to the intended meaning. “If we just put a flashy, feathered chorus line into the background of the Egypt scenes, the metaphor will really pop!”
“And you do not think that the addition of a flashy, sequined dance team will interfere with the setting of the play because…”
Pat stared at him in confusion for a brief moment. “Oh, Simon, I almost forgot! You missed last week’s announcement! We’re putting a twist on Shakespeare’s work by setting the play during modern times! I think a more modern staging will attract a younger audience without sacrificing any of the underlying themes.”
“You what!?” cried Simon, throwing his back up against the wall to support his weight. “’Antony and Cleopatra’ is one of Shakespeare’s great History plays! The play is nothing without the time frame! You can’t possibly change it!”
“I believe that you will find we can,” replied Antony, with a smug grin.
Simon began to feel faint. “But, you… all of the characters are famous historical people! How can Octavius become Emperor of Rome if Rome doesn’t even exist!?”
“Oh, I’ll admit that there might be a few anachronisms…” said Pat, shrugging his shoulders. “But on the whole, I don’t think the audience will mind.”
Simon had no reply. “Did you come up with a solution for the dull water battle scene?” asked Eros, filling the void left by Simon's silence.
Pat responded by snapping his fingers. “Yes, yes I did. Thank you for reminding me. As I’m sure you all recall, we ultimately decided against using submarines or Navy Seals. It would be silly to try and show the audience what was is happening above and below the water.”
“Oh, yes, I would hate for this production to become silly,” whispered Simon, who was nearly hyperventilating at this point.
“But then I came up with a solution. Have you ever wondered how nature would respond to a battle like that? I bet the creatures wouldn’t take to all of that noise and destruction very kindly. So we’ll just have a few scenes depicting the wildlife fighting back. I’m sure we can do some wonderful things with birds. And just imagine the audience’s reaction when a hippo starts attacking one of the boats!”
Simon let out a deep moan. “Shall I let the techies know to start working on some fake birds and hippos?” asked Cleopatra. “They did such a good job making that fake asp, after all.”
“Oh, there will be no need for that,” replied Pat, smiling wide. “You see, we’re going to be using real live animals.”
Simon briefly pondered the reality of a gigantic hippopotamus stomping around his immaculate theatre. His eyes rolled up into the back of his head, and he hit the ground unconscious.
Pat couldn’t help but laugh. “Now I know this play is going to be a smash hit,” he said with a hearty chuckle. “Poor Simon here just fainted from excitement!”