Yes, sir. I realize that I'm late for work. If you'd just let me -
Yes sir, I realize that this is the tenth time, but -
Yes sir, but you must understand there were extenuating circumstances. I assure you that if you'd just listen to my reasons I could explain myself and . . .
You'll listen? You're eager to hear this one, you say? Well . . . good. I'm eager to tell it.
You see, sir, Saturday was my third cousin Roberta's wedding. It wasn't a big ceremony, just family and friends celebrating new found love, but that's not to say it was without it's perks. There was live music, exquisitely prepared food, and an open bar. Determined to keep these lavish expenses from going to waste I partook and long story short, I ended up imbibing a bit more of the festivities than I could handle.
Now, I see that look in your eye, sir. That half-cocked expression that says you've already made your decision, but please, just let me finish. It's not because of my indulgences that I'm late today. It's because of aliens.
Yes sir, aliens. I assure you that I am being entirely serious here. They were a steely shade of gray, short, with long elegant fingers, and bulbous black eyes that crowded their equally bulbous heads. Yeah, like the aliens from 'Close Encounters'. It's like you're reading my mind, sir! Anyway, they must have abducted me, because the next morning I woke up lying face down amidst a thicket of purple, tree-sized mushrooms. Weird doesn't even begin to describe it.
How often do you see forests of giant purple mushrooms stretching towards the heavens? How about florescent green skies that always seem to smell like vanilla and camphor? How about multiple bright white suns that constantly circles overhead, never setting. Now, imagine what it would be like to experience all of this through the haze of a massive hangover. Just imagine stumbling through this new world trying to piece together a puzzle that doesn't have any familiar pieces. What would you do? Me, I'm not so brave. I curled up into a little ball, as far away from the mushrooms as I could manage, and tried to talk myself back into reality. I would have stayed that way, too, if it hadn't have been for the alpaca.
Yes sir, the alpaca.
I was just as bewildered as you, sir. It just wandered in from who-knows-where and stood beside me with this knowing look in it's eye. Still, weird as that alpaca was, it was also the only familiar thing in a very unfamiliar place; when it started walking, I followed.
Luckily, this turned out to be the right move. After only a few hours of walking we arrived at what appeared to be an alien city. Thousands of cramped together buildings painted in a myriad of colors towered over me and my long-necked guide. Spires, columns, arches, and all sorts of decorative baubles came together in a cacophony of otherworldly design. I tell you sir, if I hadn't of had the good sense to take a picture of that strange place I wouldn't have believed it myself.
What was I saying again? Oh yes, the alien city. The alpaca started trotting off in the city's direction and I'll be honest, I was a bit hesitant. How was I supposed to know that the inhabitants didn't consider me to be some sort of delicacy? However, I realized that the only way back home was through whoever lived in that city. Preparing myself for the worst I walked straight in.
As it turned out, I didn't have to walk far. A small group of my abductors was waiting for my arrival in a plaza just inside the city limits. Fear briefly overtook me and a stampede of terrible possibilities tore through my skull. Luckily, before I could act on my fears, one of the creatures spoke. “Go home.” It said in a weak raspy voice, one long finger extended at me. It swung its digit around to a silver pedestal in the middle of the plaza. “Go home!” It said again louder. That was all the prodding that was necessary; I'd had enough of this unfamiliar place. Without a second thought I walked straight to the pedestal, stepped on, and waited. An instant later there was a bright flash and I appeared back on earth, eight feet above my apartment's skylight. Gravity took over and my unfortunately placed liquor cabinet ended up breaking my fall.
Why, yes sir, that is why I smell somewhat strongly of tequila. Yes sir, it is miraculous that I didn't get so much as a scratch from the accident. What can I say? I have the devil's luck.
Anyway, by the time I got my gear together and navigated through traffic it was already this late. As you can see, it's through no fault of my own. I only wish that I had some sort of evidence to show you that would -
What's that? You'd like to see the picture I took?
Well, that's only natural, sir. After hearing such an unusual story, I'd like to see proof too. I mean who can tell what people are up to these days? Values just aren't the same as they used to be! Uh, here, let me just look through my phone real quick and see . . . ah yes, here we are! Take a look at that and be amazed.
No sir, I assure you, that is an alien civilization. Not a picture of Chinatown.
Yes sir, the similarities are uncanny.
I don't understand sir. Fired?