Her leg was itching again. Elizabeth tried to ignore it; she had been warned about things like this. Every little sound echoed off the walls and the water, and the chlorine in the air made her eyes sting. Or maybe it was tears. She wasn’t sure how to tell anymore.
The cool blue water lapped at the tiled edges of the pool. Janine, her counselor, stood waist deep in the water, the skirt of her swimsuit floating around her like a jellyfish. Elizabeth couldn't help but smile at Janine's modesty - after their counseling sessions it felt like they'd stripped each other bare so many times that Janine would be a little less shy.
“Whenever you’re ready,” Janine said, holding out one hand. Elizabeth shrank back from it and felt the top edge of her chair dig into her back just under her shoulder blades. She tried to rub the goosebumps from her arms and felt a trail of heat streak down one cheek.
Janine noticed, and said, “We don’t have to do this today, you know.”
Elizabeth shook her head frantically. “No. I need to do this.” Ever since the accident, water terrified her. She had only managed sponge baths and couldn’t bear to have anything wet touch her face. After weeks of no progress, Janine finally proposed that they work on her fears like she would with a beginning swimmer. Elizabeth had reluctantly agreed.
Now she was wondering why she ever thought it was a good idea. She swallowed down her self-hatred as if it were one of the huge, bitter pain-pills the doctors had given her in the first few weeks after the accident, and slowly kicked the foot-rests out of the way, before lowering herself onto the cold, damp cement surrounding the pool.
Janine smiled encouragement. “You can do this, Elizabeth. You’re stronger than you think.”
***
“You’ll be fine,” Dad said. “You’re stronger than you realize.”
Elizabeth looked down at the sand and then up at the ever-changing horizon. “Are you sure?”
“You’ve mastered boogie boarding. A surfboard isn’t that much different from boogie boarding drop-knee.”
Elizabeth glanced over at her old board. Abandoning it for the surfboard her father was holding felt like abandoning an old friend. She looked back out at the waves and felt the old yearning for the feel of them beneath her. She sighed and then turned back to her father.
“Do I have to wear the leash?”
“Definitely,” he said.
She glanced at the Velcro strap and thick nylon line with disdain. “Fine,” she muttered. She reached down and secured the thick ankle strap, and then took the board from her father. She felt the strap bite into the top of her foot as she walked toward the shore. The feeling was unfamiliar and she resisted the urge to scrape it off with her free hand.
She waded out until the water was deep enough and then laid down on the board. The shape was unfamiliar and she felt a bit unsettled by the way it felt underneath her body. The length felt awkward and the balance felt off. She waited until the waves felt right and then rose into her familiar stance - one knee resting on the board, the other bent in front of her, foot firm on the surface of the board. She felt the tether tighten around her ankle as she flexed her rear foot so that her toes were in contact with the board and then, with a deep breath, she slowly raised her body to a standing position.
The water and the sky whirled around in one quick motion, and then all she could see was water. It had been years since she’d taken an unplanned dunking and, when she went to pull her legs underneath herself to surface, she felt the leash jerk back.
And then she felt a jerk on the other leg.
***
Elizabeth took a deep breath and scooted to the edge of the pool. Her arms trembled as she lowered her foot into the water.
Janine smiled. “See,” she said, “I told you you were strong.”
Elizabeth watched the water lap at her knee and the scars that circled what was left of her right leg. The cool water soothed the itch in her phantom leg for the first time since the shark attack. She waited for the familiar rush of heat and blinding panic and was surprised when it didn’t come.
She grinned in triumph and said, “Ok, Janine. You’d better hurry up with the swimming lessons so I can get back on my boogie board!”