I am Tedius, God of the Middle Passage. I am the bringer of wisdom, the bearer of the wage, and the breaker of dreams. In my name shall ye purchase motorcycles, conduct extra-marital affairs, and learn to play the first few chords of Heartbreak Hotel at the age of 45. Sacrifice unto me your last morsel of humour and I shall bestow upon ye in my eternal generosity the secret of the ultimate futility and hopelessness of the human race, and the knowledge of your place within a pointlessly finite universe. In my name shall ye wear beige slacks and burn the incense of Old Spice, although I’m willing to be flexible on the building and maintaining of dedicated sculptural erections. Go forth, and stultify.