FLUSHING, NEW YORK
WEDNESDAY, MAY 14, 2003, 10:37 A.M.
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THE CLERK: Calling case F-4-11, State of New York versus Noah Morlukk.
THE COURT: Please state your appearance for the record.
MS. YUROTT: May Yurott for the State, your Honor.
THE COURT: Good morning Ms. Yurott. Counsel?
MR. ARRONG: Morning your Honor, Hugh Arrong for defendant, Noah Morlukk.
THE COURT: Counsel you may begin opening arguments. Ms. Yurott let's hear from the State first.
MS. YUROTT: Thank you and good morning. Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the State will present to you the evidence showing that on the night of January 28, 2003, in the wee hours of the morning the Defendant, Mr. Morlukk, with malice aforethought, did commit the unspeakable act of murdering a long established and highly regarded general forum thread. With deliberate and premeditated intent he posted a poorly written and razor-edged critique into a thread about cute kittens. The State will prove beyond reasonable doubt that the Defendant should be banned for his mean-spirited and deliberately cruel actions. Thank you.
THE COURT: Thank you Ms. Yurott, Mr. Arrong you're up.
MR. ARRONG: Thank you your Honor. Good morning members of the jury. What my esteemed colleague has failed to mention in her opening statement is that the Worth laws clearly warn that cute kittens are cliché, and, therefore, posting threads about them cannot be deemed merely harmless hijinx. My client does not deny committing the heinous act but was compelled to do so. As such, my client cannot be viewed as any less than thoroughly insane, driven to that point by the utter disregard of the rules by his fellow Worthians. Clearly Mr. Morlukk should not be held responsible for his actions and should be remanded to Bellevue or Fark or such other suitable facility to receive the appropriate treatment in order that he may return to being a productive member of the Worth community. I thank you for your time.
THE COURT: Thank you counsel. Ms. Yurott you may present the State’s case. Please call your first witness.
MS. YUROTT: The State calls Mr. Arsidubu to the stand.
(SWEARING IN OF WITNESS)
MS. YUROTT: Your Honor I’d like to have it noted that Mr. Arsidubu is here as a hostile witness for the State.
THE COURT: Hostile in what regard counsel?
MS. YUROTT: Hostile in all regards your Honor, he’s quite abrasive.
THE COURT: Very well, so noted.
MS YUROTT: Thank you your Honor. Mr. Arsidubu you’ve been asked to testify today as an expert for the State in this trial. I would like you to state for the record what the Guide1ines are regarding kittens on Worth1000.
THE COURT: Mr. Arsidubu would you kindly speak your answers the reporter cannot type your gestures.
MR. ARSIDUBU: Yeah, whatever, kittens suck . The guide1ines state that cute kittens are cliché in PhotoShop submissions.
MS. YUROTT: Cliché in the contests, is that right?
MR. ARSIDUBU: Yeah, that’s right and good thing too, stupid long tailed….
THE COURT: The witness will refrain from personal commentary please.
MS. YUROTT: Would you tell us please what the rules are for posting threads about kittens?
MR. ARSIDUBU: There is no rule about that, but there should be.
THE COURT: Mr. Arsidubu, I won’t warn you again about the personal commentary.
MR. ARSIDUBU: (INAUDIBLE)
MS. YUROTT: No further questions.
THE COURT: Mr. Arnott, your witness.
MR. ARNOTT: Thank you. Good morning to you Mr. Arsidubu
MR. ARSIDUBU: You have a bat in the cave.
MR. ARNOTT: Pardon?
MR. ARSIDUBU: (expletive) Boogers!
MR. ARNOTT: Uh, yes, well…ok, moving along. It is your testimony that the guide1ines don’t provide direction with regard to posting forum threads about cute kittens, is that so?
MR ARSIDUBU: I believe I just said that, you (INAUDIBLE)
MR. ARNOTT: As the expert for the State what is your opinion of this seeming conflict between contest submission and thread posting?
MR. ARSIDUBU: It’s (expletive) ridiculous and (expletive) stupid, clearly an (expletive) oversight.
MS. YUROTT: Objection, leading the witness.
THE COURT: That's what you're objecting to?
MR. ARSIDUBU: He’s not leading me. Kitten’s should be banned, if Morlukk hadn’t killed that thread I would’ve. It was (expletive) sickening. All those cute (expletive) kittens. Gack! I'd have taken my banhammer and….
(COURTROOM ERUPTS)
THE COURT: Order, order! Your Objection is overruled Ms. Yurott, you called him as an expert and he can expound an opinion if asked. Mr. Arnott, please continue.
MR. ARNOTT: No more questions your Honor.
THE COURT: Mr. Arsidubu you may, thankfully, step down. This court will recess for 1 hour.
MR. ARSIDUBU: 'Bout (expletive) time, I gotta go camping.
(COURT RECESSES)