Bitter Childrens Stories

They’re Always Watching You.

It doesn’t matter what time of day.
Morning.
Noon, or
Night

They’re Always Watching You.

They’re so quiet as they peer into your window.
They examine your thoughts and what you do.
And write them down.
Look closely at your neighbor, he’s watching you too.

They’re Always Watching You.

The milkman laughs behind your back.
He leaves things on your doorstep
That listen to you when you talk to yourself.
He knows what you do and the thoughts that you’ve kept

They’re Always Watching You.

The mailman stops and looks through your door.
He can see what you are doing.
The walls of your house are like glass to him.
He has instructions of what to do in his hand right now.

They’re Always Watching You.

The firemen have been told to let your house burn.
But the men outside are not firemen.
They are the Outsiders who listen In.
See them point their mind magnet at you.

They’re Always Watching You.

That’s not a baby. That’s not a boy.
Those are the Others.
They follow you to the store when you sneak away.
They write down what you buy, so be careful.

They’re Always Watching You.

Even at the store, the food you buy has ears.
There is nothing you can do, it’s inside of you.
Even the Farmers far away have found out.
They listen too, and laugh at you, and tell the Others.

They’re Always Watching You.

Look overhead. Look up in the Sky.
The cameras are rolling, and looking through your roof.
Everyone knows. They make their plans while you sleep.
They are the One’s who put those thoughts in your mind.

They’re Always Watching You.

Those aren’t animals, squirrels and birds.
They are the Others, fooling everyone but you.
No one else knows, but you see them so clearly.
Soon they will make their move, so don’t fall asleep.

They’re Always Watching You.

Go to your closet. Curl up and hide.
Turn out the lights. Wrap the foil around your head.
It doesn’t matter. The Others know.
And now, I know too!

We’re Always Watching You.

Once upon a time a huge delivery of coal came into the trainyard. It needed to be delivered in a hurry.

But there was a problem. All of the big engines were already doing other jobs. And all the medium engines were all doing other jobs as well. In fact, the only train left that was not doing a job was the littlest engine in the trainyard, just like your father.

"Do you think he can handle the load?" asked the worried conductor, remembering how many times the engine had screwed up in the past. "I don't think we have much choice," said the yardmaster.

So they both summoned the littlest engine and told him the news.

The littlest engine was very excited at the thought of having a job, because if he's anything like your father, that meant more money to piss away on booze and gambling.

"You can do it!" shouted the other engines in encouragement, tooting their horns as he rolling onto the loading dock.

"Yes, I can do it!" cried the little engine as he docked his train and picked up his load.

But in reality, the little engine couldn't do much more than sit his fat ass on the couch and collect welfare checks, just like your father.

The little engine started choo-choo-choing away through the hillside, telling all of the other trains about his new job and proudly displaying his load to all passerbyes, as if having a job once in two goddamn years means that he has been an assett to his family all along.

Suddenly the little engine came to a steep slope. The other engines all stayed away from this slope because it was so steep, and so high, that no train could make it up the hill without falling down.

"I can make it up this slope," bragged the engine to the other bigger trains going around the mountain and they all laughed at him.

"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can," said the engine and he steamed ahead towards the slope. But suddenly, surprise, he was unable to keep his load erect as he blew his stack too early and the tiny little engine slipped back down before the slope was even aware a train had mounted it.

"Again?" asked the slope, dissapointed, but in no way surprised. The slope secretly hoped that a much larger train was coming around the corner sometime soon.

As for the littlest engine, if he's anything like your father, he probably headed to the bar at the first sign of failure, and smoked the coal he was supposed to be delivering.

THE END
Please note that CardinalCyn is responsible for the title. Thanks Cyn!

There was once a nest near a pond, which was home to a grandma duck. The grandma duck was always happy, and sat in the sun all day, but was beginning to bore, as she had been sitting on her eggs for a long time, waiting for her young ducklings to hatch. Finally one day, each one of the eggs began to move, and one by one, a little beak poked through the shell, and out came a cute fuzzy little duckling! There was one last egg that hadn’t hatched yet, and the grandma duck said, “Hmm… I will try for a little while longer, this one is a stubborn child”. So Grandma duck sat on the egg for another day.

Sure enough, the next day, a little beak poked through, and out came another duckling, but this one was different, it was big and it was ugly. “Look how big and ugly she is!” all the other ducklings cried. “What an ugly little duckling!” all the other grandma ducks cried!

As time went on, the ugly duckling played, and grew up into a lady duck. The lady duck went through school, and all the other ducks there made fun of the ugly lady duck, “Look at how ugly she is!” said all the other ducks. The ugly ducking didn’t get asked to any of the dance, she didn’t get to go out with any of the other ducks, and she didn’t have any other duck friends. The ugly lady duck was not happy. But there was a daddy duck that felt sorry for the lady duck, and liked the ugly lady duck, even though she was ugly. The daddy duck and the lady duck became friends and even got married!

The lady duck still felt that she was really ugly, so she made daddy duck pay for lots and lots of trips to the doctor duck. This doctor duck promised that he could make the ugly lady duck look like a beautiful swan. So daddy duck sold his car and his house, so the doctor duck could make the lady duck into a swan. Well when the doctor duck was done, the ugly lady duck was not ugly anymore. She was then the most beautiful swan anyone had ever seen!

Now, the swan was happy with daddy duck at first, but then she started flapping her wings everywhere, and flying to different ponds at night, when daddy duck was sleeping or out at work. She flew over to the pond next door and spent her days with neighbor duck, and then she went over to the other side of town and started swimming in the same pond with lawyer duck.

The swan didn’t like the fact that daddy duck was poor now, even though daddy duck had sold everything he owned so he could make the ugly lady duck into the beautiful swan. So the ungrateful swan got lawyer duck to start divorce hearings, so she could run off and marry the richer lawyer duck, so she wouldn’t have to pay daddy duck back one single damn cent for seeing doctor duck.

So since daddy duck didn’t have any money to defend himself, that no good, lying, cheating, gold-digging, two cent tramp of a swan took EVERY LAST FREAKING CENT from daddy duck, turned her back on the ONLY MAN WHO EVER REALLY DID LOVE HER, and left him to live in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!

And she lived happily ever after on daddy's money.
The End.

http://www.worth1000.com/web/media/11929/Pogo-s_New_Trick.jpg

Pogo was Cute and Pogo was tidy. Pogo was the nicest puppy you could ever meet! Pogo had eyes that made you smile.

When Billy and Sandy first saw Pogo, they couldn’t help but adopt him from the Friends of Animals Society. From the beginning, Pogo won their hearts.

Pogo was not only cute, but he was the neatest puppy you could ever imagine! He put all of his toys in a row by his little bed the very first night he was at home with Billy and Sandy. They laughed and they laughed as Pogo arranged his chew toys and bones over and over again!

Every night, once Billy and Sandy had gone to bed, Pogo would sneak in to their bedroom and quietly jump onto their bed and snuggle with Billy. Pogo loved Billy. Billy gave Pogo tasty treats. Sandy gave Pogo dry dog food and not very much at that.

Early, early, early, Pogo would wake up before Sandy and gently jump from the bed and return to his own cold, smelly bed that Sandy had bought for him at the Goodwill store. Before he would leave their room, Pogo would lift his leg and ‘mark’ Sandy’s shoe. Sandy got an infection.

As usual, and as in everything else in life, Pogo liked Billy better than Sandy. It just wasn’t fair that Billy was better looking and smarter. He hand lots of money given to him by his rich parents. Sandy remembered this when she ‘accidentally’ got pregnant. Billy was surprised when Sandy ‘lost’ the baby right after they were married.

Pogo was such a smart puppy! He loved to play fetch with Billy. Billy would throw the colorful toy ball that made such a funny sound into the back yard and Pogo would leap into the air after it. He would always joyfully return the ball to Billy! Billy would laugh and give Pogo treats. Pogo would jump up into Billy’s lap and lick his face. Sandy sat quietly and drank her self into a mild stupor. She resented the fact that Billy had everything that she didn’t. The jerk. He didn’t deserve anything.

Everyday, Billy had friends who would call him. They would play games like golf or tennis. No one ever called Sandy. Billy would go off with his friends to play his silly games. Sandy played games in her mind over and over again. One day he would pay. That’s what the voices kept telling her.

During these dark periods, Pogo avoided Sandy. As the waves of depression and hatred weaved in and out of her tormented mind, Pogo knew that he was a target. As only a dog can know, Pogo knew that Sandy was evil. The vacuous stare in her eyes as she rocked back and forth, over and over again, made Pogo wish that Billy were home.

Jingle, jingle, jingle, there’s Billy’s keys in the door! Pogo jumps up and down. Pogo loves Billy so much. Pogo runs and runs in circles around Billy’s legs. Billy laughs. Sandy sneaks up behind Billy and hits him in the head with the hammer that she has been talking to for the past two weeks. Billy’s eyes roll into the back of his head. Pogo quickly runs out the door as Sandy ‘talks’ to Billy. He doesn’t hear her anymore.

When Pogo returns, Billy is gone. Pogo looks everywhere. No Billy. Sandy is talking to someone in the bathroom with a very angry voice. Pogo warily sneaks up to the bathroom and looks in. Sandy is arguing with the person in the mirror. She keeps washing her hands over and over again. She sees Pogo and throws a shoe at him. Pogo hides in Billy’s closet where he can still smell his scent.

Day after day, there is only cheap dry, dry dog food. Some days, there is no food at all. There are no more treats. Billy is not in bed at night. When Pogo sneaks in there, Sandy is still awake, smoking cigarettes, rocking back and forth. The glow of the cigarettes continues all night long as she ‘talks’ to Billy. Pogo sleeps alone in his cold bed. His stomach is empty.

One day, two men come to talk to Sandy. They are dressed the same. Pogo trusts them. They have a good smell to them. They smell like donuts. They reach down and pet Pogo. He likes that. Sandy never pets him or scratches behind his ears. They say that Billy has run away. Pogo is so sad.

Pogo goes to the back yard. Dig, dig, dig. Pogo comes back in, dragging a dirty hammer that still smells like Billy. The nice men look at it and smile. Later they give Pogo a treat.

Once upon a time, there was a little rabbit named Furry. Although sometimes he was just called Bunny, or Mr. Fuzzy Tail, or whatever-the-hell-some-stupid-little-kid-felt-like-calling-him-at-the-moment. Anyway, we’ll call him Furry for now.

Furry belonged to a little girl named Anne, who loved him very much. She would play with Furry all the time. She sometimes thought Furry was the Easter bunny. She thought this at least once a year, even though he was still just a stupid little ordinary bunny.

One day, Anne and Furry decided to play hide-and-go-seek, and Furry was it. Furry looked all over the house to hide. Finally, he found a spot deep in a dark closet that Anne would have a hard time finding him in.

Anne decided to start her search in the kitchen. She looked in the kitchen sink. She looked in the refrigerator and left the damn door open and spoiled fifty dollars of meat that her daddy was saving for a big barbecue for his best friend who was coming back from the war missing a leg and really could have used a big friendly get together.

But Furry wasn’t hiding anywhere near the kitchen or dining room, so Anne looked around some more. She looked in the bathroom, where she got distracted by the toilet she’s been using for almost three years now, but was still fascinated by the way the water goes down and must have flushed several hundred times based on the water bill the next month.

Furry wasn’t hiding in the bathroom, either, so she went into her bedroom. To help in her search, she got out every damn toy she owned, carefully arranging them on the floor so that when her father entered the room next, he broke six toys, his ankle, and a small part of his skull.

Little Furry wasn’t under the bed in her room, or in the closet, or anywhere else, so Anne looked in her brothers’ room. Anne has two brothers. Anne thought her baby brother might be a help in finding Furry, so she got him out of his crib and let him wander around the house randomly chewing on things, not the least of which was the amazingly sedate family cat, which only clawed her baby brother a little (6 stitches) after he bit her leg (12 stitches) with his new tooth.

Anne’s other brother was less help, but he did call her some helpful names that sent her crying to her mommy and daddy’s bedroom. Here she and her mommy finally found Furry, hiding in the closet. Where little Furry, being the awfully damn cute bunny rabbit he is, had pooped in Daddy’s best shoes. Daddy didn’t find out about this until he put them on just before going to work the next day.

So all ended up okay. Anne found Furry, who disappeared the next day and was nowhere to be found after that. Daddy is telling this story so that Anne can understand that Furry went to go find some other little girl to play with, because little rat-b*****d rabbits like him always leave sweet little girls behind. Also, Daddy wants Anne to know that he isn’t worried about all that ruined meat, because he is sure that the rabbit meat sitting in the fridge now will be just fine for the barbecue.

So, you wanna hear about that little tramp Red-Riding Hood eh? Yeah, well a lot of stories have been going around about her, and I'm here the set the record straight.

Ya see, Red's mom, Lois, was in deep the local bosses for some high bills after a bad betting streak. She got in real bad with this Rumplestiltskin chap, a real
high-roller from Fairyland way. Anyways, he needles her into making some wagers on spinning competitions and her luck was out. So, Lois, knowing her sick old mother's got some goldage stashed away, sends her kid, Red, off alone to swipe it.

Now, Red, hmpf, she ain't no angel herself. She ain't so little either and she packs a heck of a punch. Her and Cinderella got into a scrape over some farm boy
near the palace. This was before ole Cindy got high and mighty, but Red took out a good bunch of that girl's hair and knocked out a few of her teeth.

Anyways, like I was saying, Red sets off to collect the loot from old granny and she meets up with this Wolf, this sleazy guy from the city who's out in the country
on the lam for some racketeering charges.

Wolf's giving her a line about coming back to the city with him, making a career in a chain of exotic boutiques he's lining up. He tells her he's out looking for investors to get the ball rolling.

Now Red's sly, but she's checking out this guy's fancy shoes, and clothes and jewelry. She's thinking this guy's all Bling! Bling! and she wants a piece of that,
right? So she tells Wolf about the stash at her grandma's house.

Now, Wolf is all checking out Red too, thinking this could be his ticket to the big time with a little booty on the side, ya know what I mean. And Red's givin' him all the signals. So Wolf's like, "Ok, you got any ideas?" And Red's all, "Yeah, I got one. But we got to do it right, so as them that's after Lois don't know it was me."

You see, Red's the one who came up with the whole grandma eating thing. Before, Red was just gonna wait till the old bat fell asleep and swipe the stash. But, see, now she's got this big bad Wolf who can just swoop in and gobble up the geezer. So, she's like, "You go in and take care of the old woman. The head out to the stone bridge. You see then, I come in all surprised like, scream at the blood, put the money in my basket and take off. I'll meet up with you, once the heat is off."

Wolf, who hasn't eaten all day, likes the plan, but he's crafty and cautious. He almost had a run-in with this woodsman near granny's place and doesn't want to
raise any alarms. "Old Woody," Red tells him, "please, boy, you think Red can't distract that coot long enough for you to take out the old witch." Yeah, and Wolf's
all like looking Red up and down and knows that woodsman ain't go no chance.

So it's a simple plan and it goes off without a hitch. Wolf swoops in, eats up granny, flannel nighty and all, Red comes out from behind the shed with Woody, goes
into the cottage, is all, like, oh no and help and stuff. Woody comes running, he goes and gets some of his buddies. They bag some local wolf out napping in the field, string him up, and Red's gone to meet her new pimp down by the bridge.

Meanwhile, Lois is doin' time at Rumple's place to work off her debts and is all sad and stuff, thinking Red got gobbled up by the Wolf too. Which isn't too far
off, if you know what I mean. Red goes and changes her name to Lady Scarlet and her and Wolf open up that go-go joint Deep Mining down on Dwarf Pass. I hear that's where Snow White got her start.

Heh, Snow White, now if you want a story, I could tell ya a thing or two about little Miss Not-Snow-White and her seven sugar daddies.

Once upon a time, way before those Commie b**tards invaded ‘Nam, there was a girl named Cinderella. She was a very beautiful girl, just like that wh*re I picked up in Saigon. (Saigon... Sh*t!) One day, Cinderella’s father married this woman who had two ugly daughters. However, he died shortly after the marriage, just like my buddy Eightball. Cinderella’s father wouldn’t know about THAT! He never fought a war, man! I fought for my country! I AM a Vietnam veteran! I want to be treated like a human being, dammit!

Cinderella’s stepmother cared for her after her father passed away. However, the stepmother was really mean -- she wouldn't buy pretty things for Cinderella. But I don’t think the stepmother was as mean as Charlie! I remember there was Charlie all over the place, man! The choppers! Get to the choppers, damn it! They’re gonna air strike this place to hell, man!

One day, Prince Charming decided to host a ball for the kingdom. (I didn’t get no damn ball when I came home! I got me a pension and sweet FA!). More than anything, Cinderella wanted to go to the ball. However, her stepmother forbade her. She feared Cinderella’s beauty would overshadow her ugly stepsisters (They weren’t as ugly as Charlie in the jungle, man! The jungle was... horror! Horror has a face. And you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends! I am the seeker of justice! My time will come to wash the scum off the streets!).

The stepmother and stepsisters left for the ball. Cinderella sat in the fireplace and cried. However, her fairy godmother heard her tears and magically appeared (Just like Charlie!). Cinderella’s fairy godmother waved her magic wand and turned Cinderella’s old rags into a beautiful ball gown. She also turned a nearby pumpkin into a horse-drawn carriage. As Cinderella left for the ball, her fairy godmother warned her that the spell would break at the stroke of midnight. Midnight. When the night is most quiet. I can still hear the screams echo through the jungle. I am the angel of death! Vengence is mine!

Cinderella arrived at the ball and the entire crowd watched her in awe. Her stepfamily were especially jealous of this mysterious girl. But most importantly, Prince Charming walked over and asked Cinderella to dance. Together, they waltzed the entire night away. However, a few hours later, the clock struck twelve. Cinderella ran away. Just like I did when Charlie wiped my entire platoon! They killed everyone! Even Bubba! Bubba! Why you have to go, man!?! Anyway, the Prince ran after her. But it was too late – she was gone. Like Bubba, man. Bubba! BUBBA!!!!

But the Prince noticed something on the ground – a glass slipper. The Prince thought this must belong to the mysterious woman who danced with him. He wanted to find her so desperately (Like how I wanted to find Charlie!). All he had to do was try the slipper on every woman in the kingdom. He didn’t care how long it took -- he would find this beautiful woman. So, he searched the entire kingdom. Just like my buddies and I did with that village in Hanoi (All those people. I... I killed... people. I made some terrible... mistakes!).

After two long years, he had tried the slipper on almost every foot in the kingdom without luck. All that remained was one last house – the wicked stepmother’s.

He knocked on the door and the stepmother greeted him graciously. She lead him to the main room where the two ugly stepsister were waiting. He tried the slipper on the foot of the first daughter but it was much too small. Like a .22 calibre. Too small. You need a rifle. Without a rifle, you are useless! My rifle and I are defenders of my country! Arrg! I can still hear the chanting! The horror... the horror!

The Prince then tried the slipper on the foot of the other daughter, but it was much too big. Then he noticed Cinderella, hiding in the corner. He walked over and tried the slipper on her foot. It fitted PERFECTLY! (Like a seven-six-two millimetre full metal jacket... I can smell the blood of my enemies!)

The Prince asked Cinderella to marry him and she happily accepted. Together, they nailed their names in the pages of history. They humped down to the Perfume River and set in for the night. Cinderella's thoughts drifted back to erect-nipple wet dreams about Prince Charming Rottencrotch and the great homecoming f*ck fantasy.

Cinderella was in a world of sh*t, yes.

But she was alive.

And she was not afraid.

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful princess; the most beautiful in the land. But a mean witch was jealous of her beauty and cast a spell on the princess that caused her to sleep for many, many years.

One night, a handsome prince came upon the sleeping princess. He was mesmerized by her beauty and gave her a kiss. The kiss woke the sleeping princess, breaking the spell that the witch had cast on her. The princess thanked the prince for his help, and she went on her way.

The prince was a bit confused. He expected the princess to run off with him so they could live happily ever after. Eventually, he attributed her reaction to this “women’s lib” thing that was going around at the time and simply went on with his life.

A few weeks went by, and the prince received a call on his cell phone. He was very pleased at first to hear the princess’s voice on the other end. But that feeling did not last long.

“I’m pregnant”, the princess said. “And I’m suing you for child support.”

The prince was astonished! “But we were only together for one night, and we didn’t even do anything!” he replied.

His words agitated the princess. Her voice grew shrill. “Well, you’re the only man I’ve been with in years, so you must be the father.”

“Oh really?” asked the prince. “And how do I know that? How do I know you haven’t been sleeping around with other princes?”

This infuriated the princess even further. “How DARE you! I’ll see you in court!”

Months went by, and a judge ruled that the prince was liable for child support even though the princess’s evidence was sketchy at best. And so the prince dutifully paid until the princess decided to shack up with a guitarist from a heavy metal band and leave the child entirely in the prince’s care.

So now the prince lives alone with a child he still does not believe is his, but who he has come to love very much. And if the princess should ever decide to return… well, the prince got in touch with the witch that originally hexed her and keeps her number on speed dial, just in case.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to get a pail of water.

Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

Jill reached Jack and rubbed his back, they talked and fell in love.

He took her to prom, she had a good time, but Jack had all his fun after.

They started to do it, in the backseat of his mustang, He kissed her and left five minutes later.

A month went by, and she got a suprise; the moron forgot the protection!

She forced him to marraige, they honeymooned in Fargo, the baby was born in the hotel room.

He couldn't hold a job, even though she was keeping three, AND raising a son,

Jack started drinking, and whats worse, not coming home some nights, which was bad for Jill because she had a five hour long night shift working the counter at the KFC, and somebody had to watch the baby, and Jill's mom wasn't always available to do that,

And one day Jill came home to find Jack screwing some young blonde from the bar, and then Jill filed for divorce, which she got quickly, and then everything was okay for a while, except after a few months she got fired from her secretary job and couldn't afford to keep the house and take care of the baby, and her ex-husband wasn't paying any child support, (Which the courts were doing nothing about,) so one night she got a letter saying she was going to be evicted, so she got angry and drove over to Jack's apartment building and waited until he walked out, and then ran the worthless piece of s--t down like the dog he was.

And when the policeman came to Jill's house, she told them she didn't know anything, and they left her alone.

And after a short court battle, Jill got the money from Jack's life insurance policy because she was the only woman he was ever legally married too.

And Jill was able to keep the house and take care of the baby.

And Jill and the baby lived happily ever after.

Once upon a time there was a prince who for the love of all things couldn’t control his raging hormones and wanted a virgin; but she would have to be a real virgin, not one of those two bit street urchins he was used to. He traveled all over the world to find one, but found himself visiting the Mayo clinics in every town he visited. There were pure, untouched women out there, but it was difficult to find out whether they were real ones. There was always something about them that was not as it should be, one with no teeth, one with hairy moles on her chin, and another who looked so much like a man that her beard was better looking than his. The prince may be hard-up all the time, but he DOES have morals, and he won’t even venture up the skirts of those half-breeds! So he came home in a deep depression and moved into the basement of the castle, while his king and queen parents catered to his every whim. For days and days the prince only found his solace in the Internet and an occasional visit to the castle barn, where he at least he wasn’t alone. The king and queen worried.

One evening a terrible storm came on; thunder and lightening fill the sky as suddenly the electricity in the castle went out. A terrible, dreaded scream was heard bellowing from the basement, “NOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!!!!!!” With two tabs of Zoloft, the old king was just descending the stairs to his enraged son, when a rap on the gate door was heard. After holding the prince down and forcing the tabs into his throat, they finally went to answer the gate.
There standing before them scraping the mud off of her black army boots, was a rain soaked Goth girl, puffing on a barely lit cigarette with her black eye liner streaking down her face. It was very obvious that even the rain and the wind couldn’t clean her up. And yet, she muttered, “Dude, I saw the prince talking in a chat about how he’s gonna end it all unless he got with a virgin. Well, I’ve given a hummer or two, but I’m still a virgin.” The king and queen stood wide eyed, as the dark figure before them ground out her cigarette butt and flicked it into the moat.
“Well, I really don’t care at this point. Goth or not, I can’t take his crap anymore,” thought the old queen as she heard more wailing coming from the basement. She said nothing, and led the girl into the bedroom. She really didn’t want this Goth-virgin knowing about how strange her son was. He actually believed that a true virgin would feel a pea beneath twenty mattresses! Reluctantly, the old queen started stacking mattress upon mattress, she knew that this was the only way her son would even consider this ragamuffin. After slipping the pea between the two bottom mattresses, she quickly shuffled off to the basement to tell the prince.
On this the Goth-virgin had to lie all night. “Wow, these people are whack, but whatever, I’m tired,” she thought.
In the morning she was asked how she had slept. “Like shiat! Dude, I didn’t know where the crapper was, and I barely slept all night cause I had to pee! I’m ready to burst!”

Since the old queen had to use a hearing aid, and it was early in the morning, she didn’t have it on. What she heard was, “Like a sheep! Druid, I don’t care that the clapper was on. I barely slept all night cause of some pea! It really hurts!”
“Druid? Sheep? We don’t have a clapper,” the old queen thought. “But never mind all that, she felt the stupid pea!! She MUST be a virgin!”

Even though the prince doesn’t like Goth girls, she passed the pea test. So the prince took her for his wife, for now he knew that he had a real virgin. As for the pea-stained-mattress, it can be seen near the castle landfill, if no one has stolen it.
There, that is a true story.

Original

Once upon a time there was a beautiful little princess. She had long hair and lived happily with her mother and father (the queen and king) in a grand castle.

One day the king issued an edict called "midlife crisis", and the queen was replaced by a young ditzy foreign queen that caught his eye (and had much larger tracts of land for him to play with). All his possessions were now not good enough for her. He bought a new convertible carriage, expensive clothing, and rennovated the castle.

The little girl's new stepmother, being about the same age and jealous, wanted all of the king's attention and money, so got her friends, a clutch of evil gossiping sorceresses, to conjure up an evil story about how horrible the old queen had been, and spread it about the countryside. Well the little girl loved her mother, and spoke bravely against the new fake queen and her father. The king then sent her away to a summer camp to get rid of her for awhile and bought her a puppy to try and shut her up. When she returned, the new queen convinced the king to put the princess away in a big tall tower, forever and ever. For many months the girl sat alone and unwanted while the king and his waify young wife sat in luxury, spending money and decreasing the treasury of the good land while becoming lazy slobs.

Her mother, finding out about her daughter's imprisonment got her new husband, the duke of another land, to save her. The duke rode out to the tower, and after failing to break down the door called up to the little window at the top. "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!". The princess' hair was very very long after months up in the dark tower, and she threw her hair out the window. It reached all the way to the ground, so the duke climbed up it and saved the princess.

The princess went away to live with her mother and the duke (who had a much larger sword than the king), while the fat lazy old king sent her expensive presents to make up for his ways. In time, the king was kicked out of the palace and all his new fancy toys were repossessed because he'd put the treasury in debt. His new wife found him playing paddycake with a young serving wench that caught his eye, and fled the country. The old king refused to find a job fit for his "standing". He couldn't pay child support or alimony, and every year sent the princess a birthday card with a five dollar (hot) check in it.

The princess, queen and duke lived happily ever after.

Goldilocks and the Three Stupid Bears

Once Upon a Time there was this little girl who got lost in the woods. The reason she was lost in the first place was because her parents were crack heads and told her to get lost. You see they were trying to get their crack pipe to work and the girl was getting on their nerves. She kept whining about being hungry.
How, I ask you, could they buy her food when it took every penny they had to buy crack. They even had to pawn all their furniture and the big screen television. They were never hungry and wondered why she kept whammering on about wanting something to eat...such an ungrateful child.

So, she wandered out into the woods and suddenly saw a house! She could smell the aroma of porridge and went running into the house. She never thought of knocking on the door because her parents, the crackheads, never taught her any manners.

Imagine her awe as she saw a table set with hot porridge…and no one there! So, she thought, “Man, I can have all three bowls". Now the bears were a little bit stupid. Why would they make lunch, leave it on the table and go work in a garden or wherever it is bears go after cooking porridge.

After eating until she was full, she decided to sit in all their chairs. She couldn’t sit in just one. After all, there was no furniture in her house and the novelty of three chairs was just too much!

The little girl then became very tired. She wandered up the steps and found three beds. So of course she had to try out all three…because at her house, everyone slept on a mattress on the floor and she had never seen sheets and blankets before.

Finally, she fell asleep. The bears decide to come in to eat their porridge. Man, someone ripped off their food! Imagine that, they left their door unlocked and went away- with hot porridge on the table in a gang ridden forest-came back and their food was gone!

So, instead of calling 911, they retired to the living room to sit in their chairs. Somehow they figured out someone had been sitting in them. So what do they do…they decide to go to bed! And for heaven’s sake, someone had been sleeping in their beds. At first they didn’t notice Goldilocks in the little bed because they were stupid.

Well, you all know the ending. The Bears take her home. Now, what they should have done is adopt her. Papa bear could have made her a chair and a bed and mama bear could have given her her own bowl and spoon…regular spoon-not a crack spoon…in case anyone wondered.

If they weren’t so stupid they would have noticed that Goldilocks was neglected. DUH! Instead, they took her merrily home and everyone was happy. Yeah right.

Goldilocks wondered why the bears didn't asked her what she wanted. She thought if she had a choice between living with her crack head parents and stupid bears, she'd choose the bears. They may be stupid but they'd feed her.

And Goldilocks lived hungry ever after. The moral to this story for all you kids is: Life sucks so deal with it, you whinny little brats.

The End

One day, Goldie Locks was wandering through the woods, and she stumbled upon a little hut. Not thinking about where she was trespassing, she BARGED her way in, (that's breaking an entry), and looked around to see all of the LOOT THAT SHE COULD GET AWAY WITH . . . Um. Sorry about that.

She glanced around. Being hungry (BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T EAT HER PEAS AT HOME), she saw three bowls of food. Goldie Locks sat down at the table to try some of the food.

Upon eating a bite of the big bowl, she said "Oh, this is too hot!" (DESERVES HER RIGHT FOR NOT TESTING IT FIRST!)

She then moved to the medium bowl. Upon eating a bite of the medium bowl, she said "Oh, this is too cold!" YEAH, WELL YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN IN THERE THE FIRST PLACE!

Finally, she sat in front of the smallbowl. "Hmmmmm... This one is just right" she said to herself. WELL, OF COURSE THE LITTLE BRAT ATE THE WHOLE BOWL. NOW WHAT IS THE LITTLE CREATURE THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO EAT IT GOING TO DO? STARVE?!?!?!?!?

Goldie Locks decided that she needed to sit down for a bit. SO WHAT DID SHE DO? SHE TRIED OUT ALL THREE OF THEIR CHAIRS! The first was too big, the second was too rocky, but the third was just right. AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED? SHE BROKE THE DUMB THING! I MEAN REALLY, SHE ATE THEIR FOOD, AND NOW BREAKS THEIR CHAIRS! SHEESH! SHE DESERVES EVERYTHING SHE SHOULD GET, BUT YOU JUST WAIT A MINUTE, IT GETS WORSE!

After picking herself up off the ground, Goldie Locks decides that she is tired. She heads up stairs, IN SOMEONE ELSES HOUSE, and looks at the three beds. BEING A GREADY SORT, she first tries out the biggest one, and finds that it is to hard. So, next she tried the medium one, and it was too soft. Upon trying the third, it was just right, and she fell right asleep.

NOW YOUR THINKING, WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO HER? I MEAN AFTER ALL, SHE IS IN A STRANGE HOUSE, ATE ALL THEIR FOOD, BROKE THEIR CHAIRS, AND IS NOW SLEEPING IN THEIR BED.

Well, to make a long story short, it was the Bear's home (THE LUCKY SNOT). And did she get what she deserved? NO! They caught her read handed and she ran away! Did she face up to the responsibility of what she had done? NO! Did she pay for the damage incurred on the Chair? NO! Did she pay for the usage of their stuff? NO NO NO! SHE RAN AWAY! She sure is lucky that wasn't Grandma's house when the wolf was there. She would have been eaten alive, and would have DESERVED it too.

The End.

Moral of the Story: Never ask Daddy to read a story after he has had too much coffee.

A is for anarchy
B is for bitter
C is for calamity
D is for death
E is for eradicate
F is for fatality
G is for gore
H is for heckle
I is for injury
J is for jaundice
K is for kill
L is for loser
M is for mean
N is for nerd
O is for oblique
P is for pathetic
Q is for quit
R is for rage
S is for satan
T is for terrorize
U is for unemployed
V is for vermin
W is for wrath
X is for xero
Y is for yell
Z is for zero

Now you know your ABC's. Shut up and go to bed.

Once upon a time there was a princess named Liona, a spoiled brat who always got what she wanted. She had blonde hair and blue eyes, was your typical princess. She lived in a little land named Spotsania, where all of those who where not rich or royal were treated like a bag of old potatoes. Spotsania was famous for its mines, but in those mines kids from the age of 9 were enslaved just to get some money for King Gunnarsson, the father of our hero, the helpless and stupid princess.

When our story begins Liona was in her garden throwing stones at every bird she saw.
"Ohh, Why must i always be so incredible rich and spoiled?" She asked herself, that unthankful snot.
As she wandered Edward Isaroff, the son of the richest man(except for King Gunnarsson)in Spotsania, walked in the garden.
"Oh, princess Liona. Howdy, how art thou today?"
Edward asked.
"Ohh, Stop it Edward your father isn't here!"
"Alright, to hell with it! What's up?"
"Nothing Edward, exactly nothing. I'm so tired of our fancy parties, crazy wealth and careless life. I just want to go crazy and move to africa or something"
Edward looked stunned.
"But, then you would not be able to torture the poor kids, and take a gold bath! Oh you would be crazy to leave princess. Your father would be worried sick"
"Crazy? So do you think my father would pay me in 6 figures for coming back from Africa?"asked the princess as she laughed insanly.
Edward started to realize what they could do together.
"Ohh yes! Now i see! Let's go to Africa together princess and ransom our parents! It'll be the biggest adventure of our lifes"

And so they went but when they were at the gates of the city they realized.
"We don't know how to get to Africa."
The kids started wandering if they should maybe just drop the adventure, go home and watch some pathetic TV-show. When all of the sudden a voice said.
"I know the way to Africa"
They turned around and saw Jimmy McRay, a boy who had worked in the mines for all his life.
"You, Edward said with disgust, what do you know?"
"I just said... i know the way to Africa"
"Take us to Africa then right away!" Liona ordered.
"What's in it for me?" Jimmy asked.
Liona and Edward looked at each other, who was he this poor boy trying to get something out of them, the innocent children.
"You get to continue working for free in the mines" Liona said.
“Uuhh… sweet. It’s a deal” Jimmy said, he wasn’t the brightest that poor boy.
And so they went, a party of three.
The trip to Africa was short, because Jimmy knew a shortcut. Handy indeed.
When they came to Africa they had to find a phone, because they had forgot their cell phones.
They asked the first policeman they saw about a phone.
“Oh, there are no phones in Africa you silly kids.” He said with his African accent.
“Mind you, I am not stupid. Thank you very much” Edward said offended.
The policeman laughed.
“But you can go and find a phone in the American embassy”
“Take us there thank you very much.” Princess Liona said in a hurry.
At the embassy the got to make a call.
“Hi dad, I’m in Africa, and I won’t come back unless you give me 2 millions!” the princess said.
“Edward is here also and he wants millions too.”
“Aha….aha…What do you mean you won’t pay? You want it for yourself? What?! Can’t we come home again… ohh dad! …WHAT? Edward he hang up!”
“Ring again then princess.” Edward answered.
“Sorry kids, you only get one phone call.” The policeman said.
“What do we do now? We can’t go home” Edward and Liona thought in despair.
“Hey princess, let’s eat Jimmy, he’s useless anyway.”
And so they killed Jimmy by using their gold shoes as weapons and ate him.
All is good that ends well. The End.

Once upon a time in a far away land there lived a Crackwhore... Named Jasmine. She used to be very beautiful before the crack got to her Now shes just... well she kinda looks like the dog after he pukes. Anyway Jasmine was asleep (not that she did much of anything else) When her husband, Ricky came home. The sound awoke their children all 16 of them... along with the mice they were renting from.
Ricky moved things aside so he could pass threw the house. He threw a dirty shirt at his *cough* lovely wife.

"wake up b***h" he mumbled

But Jasmine did not move. She was in a dead sleep and Ricky knew only one thing would wake her up.
He stumbled into the bathroom and soon arose with a line of coke.He placed it in front of her nose and she immidiatly awoke.

"prince charming?" she asked , still half asleep.

"shut up Hoe, Clean my goddamn house!" Ricky said with a twist of the beer bottle top.

Jasmine got her lazy ass up and did some cleaning. And before Ricky passed out, He slurred, Bout damn time she got up!

THE END