Celebrity New Year's Resolutions

1) We will not attempt to put on a tour unless half the band members are still physically alive. We are not sure how to count Keith Richards for this one.
2) We will not attempt to tour if over half the band is diagnosed as being completely deaf. It might improve our music too much.
3) We will try to remember to have at least one drug not prescribed by a doctor on a daily basis. This can include Advil, Rol-aids, or Milk of Magnesia.
4) We will not have a senior moment and accidentally bring a walker on stage.
5) Adult bladder control garments shall be neatly tucked in and will not appear above any stage costume.

The Number One New Year's Resolution on David Letterman's List:

...Er, well, uh...damn.

Do something about that writers' strike. Preferably soon.

1) I resolve not to punch my personal anger management coach in the face again this year.
2) If in a fender bender, I resolve to do the adult and civilized thing of exchanging driver’s licence and insurance information. Then I will smash the jerk’s windshield and kick in his door.
3) I resolve to get a softer, more likable tattoo on the other side of my face.
4) I resolve to not transport drugs in my car for personal use; or at least hide them better.
5) I resolve to set up a grudge match between myself and Donald Trump - one of the few people the public will root for me over, plus we could both use the money and career boost.

My New Year's Resolutions for 2008 are as follows:

1- Do not use my dogs for Dogfighting.

2- Do not use my taser to train dogs, for dogfighting.

3- Give 5 million dollars to the local ASPCA.

4- Contact Al Davis, the Raiders probably could use a quarterback in 2008.

5- Find out if cockfighting is still legal.

Tom Hanks makes a resolution to not make another movie where his hairstyle gets more attention than his performance, or the movie itself.

In 2008 be it resolved that:
1) We will no longer be a rubber stamp for Bush’s legislation, and instead prepare to be a rubber stamp for whoever wins in November.
2) When stashing graft money, members are encouraged to find a better hiding place than their freezer. Twit.
3) In a time of extreme world unrest, a fragile US economy, and major natural disasters including city leveling hurricanes, massive forest fires, and severe droughts, we will leave no stone unturned in our hearings about steroid use in baseball. Also, March is now National Pickled Anchovy and prune danish month. We thought you would want to know.
4) Despite being the only Federal Branch that can appropriate money; one on which nobody else can force spending bills; we will form a blue ribbon panel to explore the options of creating a law where we are not supposed to spend more then we take in. Due to phase in by 2025.
5) We shall continue to provide the high moral compass and political leadership of a deceased slug.

In order to meet our goal of having one child born on every continent, we will find an impoverished woman from a third world country and send her to Antarctica in time to give birth.

I shall stay away from my wife's flat-iron and highlighting creams.

Cher resolves that her most recent “Farewell Tour” really was her last Farewell concert tour, realizing she’s not Old Blue Eyes and even he overdid the whole Farewell Tour thing.

I, Ricky Williams, running back for the New Orleans Saints... no, wait, uhhh... running back for the Miami Dolphins do hereby resolve to finally pass that drug test.

I know I have failed the league sanctioned drug test every time I've taken it. And I have been suspended from the NFL because of my failure. But I swear: I DID take drugs. I knew they were going to test me for drugs, so the first thing I did was get myself cranked. I sure enough didn't want to fail! But somehow, I did fail even though I was so high, I was getting altitude sickness.

So kids, stay in school, take your tests seriously. And I promise you; I will pass that drug test. Maybe if I took steriods too?

"My New Year's resolution is to make a movie about some guy who falls in love with this girl and use the same jokes and actors as in my earlier movies, in the end the guy becomes a hero for no reason, oh and i'll have the leading roll"

"...and get the leading roll in the new Captain Caveman movie YESS! dum dureerum deeroom! "

George W. Bush: "In 2008 I will seek re-election as President of North America."

(My first text entry, not sure whether Bush is allowed but I couldn't resist this one)

This is how I think Arnold Schwarzenegger's New Year's resolutions would go. I think he may still think a little too much of himself and what he's done in the past. Not being able to get his contributions to the movies out of his head. He has inadvertently included 14 of his films in his resolutions. See if you can find them....

1) I will track down Red Sonja and I will terminate her.
2) If she is one of a set of twins and thinks she is getting a raw deal, I will terminate her too. This will be the best; it will cost nothing because I will terminate her free.
3) And on the sixth day i will rest and have a moment of total recall, and any mistakes I have made in the past will be put to the mental eraser.
4) I will share my motto of "I have lots of money and muscles and it is a combination thatwins"
5) I have read heat magazine too much in the past and I am always potrayed as the villain.
6) I promise not to go commando when I am jogging, or out running, man.
7) I'm off to the toilet now but this is not the long goodbye...I'll be back.

Coolio:

Note to self:

Must get a haircut and revive my dormant career

d**k Clark must resolve to stop speaking on camera. Sure, he looks just as good as he always did, but since his stroke he sounds a bit too much like Elmer Fudd. Let us remember you as when you were vibrant. Now it's just sad.