It's in the Stars

Well, Aries, looks like love is in the air, and in the park, on the bus, and definitely on the other side of the paper thin walls of your apartment. Everybody has it but you. Don't look for that situation to improve much. Everyone you meet is either involved, married, or fresh out of a bad relationship and not looking for another. That self-imposed 6 month celibacy period after your last break-up will stretch out for more than a year, so renewing your subscription to your favorite magazine might be a good idea. You'll have plenty of time to read.
A bit of good news is on the horizon, however. You're due for a promotion at work. The step up means salary and commission. Too bad that your accounts are all dead and your paycheck still won't add up to your former hourly rate, but the title will look great on your new business cards and the resume that you will need to prepare for the downsizing that's just around the corner.
Expect a call from an old friend near the 21st of the month. Your long lost high school friend is now an IRS agent, so get your books in order.
Forecast for the month: Be on the lookout for black cats, avoid mirrors, and spend a few hours every day on your knees in the clover patch. You're going to need all the good luck you can get.

As the earth’s orbit approaches its final measure for the year, look for little to change under the sign of Capricorn. The past eleven months have had their low moments, but get ready, because the twelfth one is going to be one dismal month. Expect professional prospects to dwindle. You’ll be lucky to have a job come next year. Your finances are an absolute mess, and that’s not going to change any time soon. Any friends who have not already abandoned you will be long gone before you get the invitations made for the holiday cocktail party. Don’t even bother. Forget about romantic encounters. With a face like that, if you want true love your only chance is to look in a cardboard box in the alley. A really dark alley. In short, you will once again find yourself flailing about in a pit of desperate loneliness and despair. There’s always next year, but don’t get your hopes up. Your lucky number for December is 4. Not really, but I wanted to give you something to brighten up your pathetic life. One more thing: whatever you do, don’t answer the phone. There’s no point to it.

SCORPIO (October 23-November 22) Such a shame about that five day waiting period on purchasing handguns. Let's face it, the world would be a much happier place if you could end it all as quickly as humanly possible. I don't need to explain, you completely understand my meaning. It sucks to be you.
If November 20th is your birthday- So you've woken up and gotten out of bed? There was your first mistake. Things started going downhill after you washed your hands and left the employee restroom. Your boss indeed noticed that embarrassing wet spot on your pants, so you can kiss all hopes of that promotion goodbye. Don't bother going home, though, unless you want to witness your spouse performing vile acts with someone half your age. It's nothing quite as raunchy as, say, the photos of your daughter that will mysteriously appear in your email inbox shortly after lunch, however it's pretty disgusting nonetheless. Oh, I almost forgot: Do you remember that lump you found in the shower this morning? It's exactly what you think it is and it's spreading faster than you can possibly imagine. There will be no cake.

Scorpio: Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

Scorpios believe in things they can touch, things they can see for themselves. They are level headed and skeptical of anything resembling "fate" or "guidance from an alternate realm."

So screw you, Scorpio! I make my money writing for Sagittarians, not for jerks like you. I don't just write a column, you know. I put out twelve books a year, one for each sign, and it's a lot of work. And which one sells the least? Go on, guess! Right. Your book sells the least.

I don't know why I even bother writing this crap for you. It's not like you're going to read it. Maybe someone less lawwwwwgical will take a look, though, hoping to learn whether or not you're compatible with them. So, for you non-Scorpios, take my advice. Scorpios may be all fiery and sensual and intense and stuff, but they're cynical ßastards who won't give your inner emotional self the time of day. "Think it out," they say, or "Just put it behind you and move on." Trust me, that logic crap gets irritating real fast. So have a fling with your Scorpio friend (the sex can be great!), but don't get involved. Scorpios suck.

It’s the start of another month and you are still a Pisces. How sad for you. December will be another four weeks of waking up alone at 2 o’clock every afternoon, putting on your cleanest dirty clothes, eating the dried crusts that you have been saving to make turkey stuffing, and shuffling off to the bus in time to get to your telemarketing job. Today, you will be trying to sell extended warranties for vacuum cleaners that have been off the market for over twelve years. But you’re in luck today, Pisces! A power failure means you get to go home 20 minutes early! You will be walking, of course, because the bus trolleys need electricity. Still, you’ll get home in plenty of time to clean the thawed ice cream out of your freezer, and scoop all the dead tropical fish from the too-cold water in your aquarium. And here’s another bonus, Pisces. All that time away from home means less time facing that backed-up toilet that getting just a wee bit ripe. Who says Pisces are dull? Today is your day, so live it to the fullest!

Since most “ Earth Sign ” types correctly believe Astrology to be a bunch of bunk, I sincerely hope that there aren’t too many losers actually reading this crap! For those of you that are, get a frigging life! Bulls are supposed to be practical and pragmatic, so where does that leave you? I’ll tell you where …home by yourself on Saturday night, looking for answers on the comic strip page of a newspaper! You’re probably half in the bag too, since most Taureans are certified drunks. Oh sure, you got a good job, a nice car, and a cool apartment, but nobody likes you, or your self-indulgent possessions!

I know the real reason you’re reading this… because your love life sucks, and poor little Toro can’t figure out why. First of all, all that jazz about Venus, and sexual prowess, is the biggest hoax of the astrological world. Truth is, your ability to please anyone other than yourself is at best, pathetic. Add in some jealousy and stubbornness, and it isn’t exactly a recipe for romance. Listen, it’s simple: Drop the “Porn Star” attitude, the Hilfiger wardrobe, your temper tantrums, and 20 pounds. Simple, huh? This ain’t rocket science!

December's winter chill won't dampen your spirits. Plan get-togethers with new friends in the early weeks, since the last half of the month will be spent dealing with family matters. You're the dreamer...yeah, dreamer. I dated an Aries once. Definitely a dreamer. Always has his head in the clouds. Never thought about me, never thought about MY needs. I mean, sure, he's an air sign, I'm a fire sign, technically, even though I'm mutable, we should have gotten along like gang-busters. But noooooooo! No, he'd rather sit around with his buddies drinking beer and watching Nascar. And then he'd turn all brooding, "no one understands me, no one likes me." Freaking Aries, man. When I think back on all the time I wasted, WASTED. What I wouldn't have given for a nice tall Taurus.

Yeah. End of the year brings changes in finances, blah blah blah. Whatever.

Freaking Aries. HA!

Aquarius: Who are you trying to fool? You’re not going to move out of your mother’s basement any time soon. And you’ll never use the new gym membership you just bought. If you do, you’ll spend five minutes on the treadmill and then go drive to McDonald’s. Go ahead and super-size it, it’s not like you have anyone to impress anyway. Women will continue to avoid you until you start bathing and throw out the Green Lantern T-Shirt you bought five years ago when you were only a XXL. And please stop buying those lottery tickets. Even if you play the numbers in The Weekly World News, you’re not going to win. The stars suggest that today you should take control of your own life and quit reading bogus horoscopes.

Sagittarius: (November 22-December 21)
Happy birthday to the sign of the archer! “The archer”; like a bow and arrow isn’t far too dangerous for your hands!

Your life will be busy, juggling Thanksgiving, the yuletide holidays, your birthday and the cold weather. The phrase “day off” will leave your vocabulary for several weeks. However, you’ll have many new (unrepeatable) synonyms for “hangover” to fill the gap, as your friends and co-workers take every possible chance to celebrate.

At least they seem to care. Not like some of your relatives who look at you having a birthday so near two major holidays as an opportunity to get you one “combinational” present and/or card. You debate on sending them back a card saying “Well, then, I guess YOU got your X-mas present in May”. But you decide to be the bigger person about it.

Speaking of “bigger”, you’ll again put on some weight from the festivities. Take my advice and don’t bother to think it’ll disappear, while ignoring where last year’s splurging is still stored. Instead of empty promises, go for empty calories, and don’t sweat losing it. You sweat enough as it is, just ask anyone.

Aquarius
Let’s see. You’ll flounder around in bed dreaming of something that will never happen. Yeah, that’s it. Then you’ll finally get out of bed in time to watch Sponge Bob while you eat your Froot Loops. Then you’ll burn another couple of hours "Lookin’ for work", in the classifieds. Then a loser friend will call. Oh yeah, He doesn’t have the money that he owes you. You’ll hang out and do nothing but b***h, b***h, b***h. Let’s see, what’s next…
Oh, oh, oh… Yeah, I got it. You’ll see a commercial on TV and wish that it was YOU who got injured in a car accident and collected $150,000 from the insurance company, instead of that creep on TV. Yeah, that’s going to happen. You don’t even OWN a car.
Ok, what’s next? Oh yeah, a late lunch, like FOUR O’ CLOCK, right before that Simpsons come on. Here’s a deal. I’m tired. You want to know the rest of your day? Try reading the TV Guide. Just add snacks and bathroom breaks and that about covers your day.

Sagittarius
The thing is, well, I've been sleeping with your wife. She's very good you know ? No, of course you wouldn't, you've had all those headaches and achy bones recently. It's only fair for her really, as she knows you're not going to be around forever. Which brings me neatly on to my next point.
There's no easy way to tell you this, but I'll try. You are not well, in fact you are very unwell. To be honest, I don't think there is even a name for the condition you have. The stars tell me you don't have long. They don't tell me how long, but I wouldn't start any long games of chess if I were you. There's nothing you can do about the next event, but try to look surprised when your daughter tells you she's pregnant by that hairy looking oaf from the meat factory.
In sincerity, these predictions don't apply to all Librans just you. Uh wait, this is Libra isn't it ? It's not ? Oh, you're alright. Just look out for a paper cut this afternoon, and try not to breath the same air as any Librans.

December will be your downfall, and not just because of the hamsters. Internal gas will be the true culprit. In a month of holidays and the spirit of giving you will spend your evenings on the balcony, passing wind while others are laughing, eating and drinking. However, in spite of these challenges, do not take your eyes off the hamsters. They cannot be trusted.

Invest in Saran Wrap. You will be amazed at the ways it will help you in December. Lance that boil you have been ignoring, and tell Susan about the jockey. Rest assured, she feels no threat from small people who smell like animal sweat. Have you given the last of your summer wardrobe to the Thrift Store? You should do so immediately, lest that very attractive telemarketer you’ve been dating should peek into your closet. One sight of your leopardskin Speedo, and she will be gone like Jacko’s tan.

Do not oversleep. Your skin wrinkles badly, and on top of your flatulence, you don’t need to look like a SharPei. Ask Wanda about the sores. You may be finding yourself a new family doctor earlier than you had planned. Above all, have fun.

Gemini – Your sign is supposed to represent the twins; the duality of nature. Well, this week your good twin seems to be taking a nap. The due date on the phone bill is not a suggestion. I wouldn’t put off any important calls until Tuesday. Watch your kids closely; they’ll probably find that cup of juice that was lost last week. Chances are it won’t agree with them and will come back to haunt you at church. When you’re taking that suit in to be cleaned, you might want to consider changing dry cleaners. Seems the owner has a fondness for women’s clothing and it’s only a matter of time before your wife’s dresses start getting “lost”. On a positive note, you won’t have to worry about getting the window fixed on the car. It’ll be stolen.

Your moon is currently passing through the third house which means that financial difficulties lie ahead.

Ha! As if you needed me to tell you that. Why don't you get off the couch and look for a job, hmmm? Maybe this way, "good fortune" will take on new meaning for you, as opposed to the loose change you find between the couch cushions as you grope for those escaping Doritos. And for god's sake, clean your self up! That "dark mysterious stranger" you're about to meet is your own grim-covered self in the hallway mirror. Jeez, they don't pay me enough to do this - you put the "horror" in horoscope.

Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd): Aww, looks like things aren’t quite going your way this month. All through the month, be on the lookout for misspoken sentences that lead to particularly embarrassing situations. The fifth through the eighth you’re in charge of an unproductive group (don’t lie to yourself, they’re just plain stupid). Around the fifteenth, seems that no one’s listening to your brilliant and perfectly logical, straightforward ideas… loosen up, Virgo, because perfectionism never got you anywhere, except for the bottom rung of the social ladder. It looks like you’re in for a “reunion” with some of your highschool “buddies” on the twenty-first- chances are, you’ll most likely be getting a few broken bones reunited by the time it’s all over with. Everything near the end of the month looks unintelligent and sloppy to you, so you might as well just stay home and read that new book on the secret lives of protozoan.

Aquarius - Hiya sweetie! Wow. This month is going to be just fabulous for you! Around the 5th, you may want to get some tests done. Remember that one night stand back in October? Well, she was kind of dirty. I will keep my fingers crossed for a clear test result. And the week of the 10th, expect a stroke of luck. Bad luck that is. Whether its a flat tire or your car gets stolen or your significant other gets that sex-change operation she's been wanting for years. Sometime between the 17th and the 19th, I am seeing a big change in your life. Possibly a promotion at the office, but more likely you're going to be laid off. But, dear Aquarius, don't fret. You as the Water-Bearer are strong and can handle all of this. Just beware of the Moon as it lines up in Mercury's orbit path. It could mean a disaster like fire, flood or suicide. So from the 20th on to the 31st, avoid lighters, water and sharp objects!

VIRGO: Birthday Month!

Sign of the fruitfulness and joys of the harvest, you are known for your wild parties and wonderful entertainment. Well, there's something I have to tell you about, my sweet maiden. Now that you're all big and grown up, you've got to be careful. And you weren't. So now you're going to be joined by a little Gemini in nine months.

Gemini - The twins. Kind of like those twins you were with last month. Whoops, I guess you didn't tell your girlfriend yet did you? Look for smooth sailing around the 5th or 6th of the month. That is, sailing right off the side of the road and smashing your car. One word of advice - seatbelts! Don't worry, your insurance is all paid up and the cops probably won't do one of those breath things as no one gets drunk in the middle of the morning right? Around the middle of the month, your luck will change for the worse. I'm sorry, but you know someone has to deliver the bad news. Saturns orbit path suggests death while the orbit of Jupiter suggests your puppy will get rabies and bite you. Either way, make that will up and pass on your 8-track tapes to your little sister, who by the way is dealing drugs and working the streets, according to the moons orbit around the Earth. Have a great day and check back in next month for your monthly horoscope!

Taurus- Heh… it’s going to suck to be you. The stars are saying that your closest friend is going to die in a meat grinder accident, and who do you think will be there to see it all? You! After the quite grisly death, you’ll become a suspect in his murder case, and your departed friend’s wife will testify against you. After that, I have just three words of advice for you… avoid “Big Butch”. I could tell you what would happen, but that would make you lose your lunch. I’ll let you figure out. You’ll thank me later because this warning will be the only thing that will keep you going. After all, witnessing the gruesome fate of your friend will tragically flaw you. We can’t have you end your life early; you’d miss so much! For example, you wouldn’t be there to see your wife cheat on you, get sentenced to life in prison, and witness the fall of civilized prisoner treatment! Next month is when it will really start getting interesting…

LEO
You are a loser. Not just today, but every stinkin’ day. Just what the heck are you doing reading a horoscope that 100,000 other people read? Do you really think that I can solve your pathetic problems? Get a grip!!! I wake up everyday to a decade long drug habit. I’m just lucky my publisher doesn’t know. I’ve burned three marriages and countless relationships.
But then again, it’s countless morons like you who keep me employed. “Oh look! I’m reading the stars! Now I can tell you what will happen! Here’s some real advice. GET A JOB!!! Move out from your parent’s house. Work HARD! Show up to work for a change! God, you’re pitiful. “It’s the stars that control my destiny.” What a ignorant dolt!
Try this. STOP DRINKING AND SCREWING AROUND with your life! Get a purpose OF YOUR OWN!!! Wake up and smell the coffee bucko. Do you want to be THE loser of all time? HECK NO!!! Do something ON YOUR OWN!!! God, you make me sick. It’s too bad you don’t make yourself sick!!! If you did, you wouldn’t read these stupid “Insights!”

Gemini: Your day will start off with a bang. It could be a drive-by shooting. Watch out for subtle looks from strangers, they may be following you. All of your hard work for that promotion may not pay off. You might practice saying, “Would you like fries with that?” You will have great difficulty in expressing yourself today, most likely it is because you have minor talents and bore people. Bad news will come by mail, it will be a legitimate chain letter that bears true consequences if you do not forward it to five friends. Unfortunately, you only think that you have friends. Everyone really hates you. You will die a slow and painful death later today.

Cancer: You missed the eclipse last month (and you being a moon sign) your timing isn't going to get any better in December. Think about getting a flu shot and check that your doctor is still practicing - medicine. You may need one before you start walking sideways. This is mentioned because relationships are highlighted in December for you and another crab so be extra careful when having shellfish and you may just make it through the holidays. But you'll not make it without mixing up the names on your gifts which will cause great insult and humiliation - yours.

It's that season of the year where you'll need all the luck that you have. Chances of you getting conned are high. Wearing capri's outside the house could result in frost bite if not amputation. Leave your spouse alone ... with his/her boyfriend. This season Children could be demanding ... hard cash. Be prepared for excitement ... in the form of in-laws on a long vacation. Stock market performance may affect your heart. Love will bloom for you but the object of affection may remain cold. Fortune may pass your way but in all likelyhood you will be fast asleep.

Libra: That rash you had been wondering about is what you feared. Don't call her to complain she'll only give you more bad news. Your best bet is to get topical cream to relieve the itchin. You will be very wanted in the later weeks of december, beware of blue and red lights they bring no good. The bag of "oregano" you used to make the stuffing for the christmas turkey will bring a magical edge to the evening. New years eve will once again prove to be a dissapointment be sure to keep your friends close jack daniels, jose cuervo, and captain morgan will help you through the depressing and lonely night.

Virgo
As usual the end of the year is always bad for you. You’ll be broke and desperate for a soul mate as you actual romance won’t last till the end of the month. Stop wearing those fashionable dresses and suits unless you don’t need a pay increase. As for holidays, it’s time you forget about them, the little fat guy that you call boss will make you work on week-ends for the sake of the company. As you are such a freak and so afraid to tell him no, you’ll do it just as the numerous gadgets that you’ll buy and never use. Also, no need to buy beauty products, your face will be completely stressed out. However, the positive note is that you’re the one who’s going to kick your boyfriend out because he still won’t pay for the food when you go out. Also watch out for these little goodies that your mother gives you, you will choke and end up at the hospital for eating too much of them too quickly.

Aquarius: The end is near! Of the week that is ... kick your shoes of and put on some pumps, doll your self up and find yourself a date. You're getting pale behind the computer. There is a sky, a sun, a surf, somewhere that is not digitally manipulated for your enjoyment. Alabaster is not the in thing anymore (not that it ever was.) You will find love on the sands, or a close approximation. Don't be afraid to fly solo. We both know you've had plenty of practice.

Sagittarius: Be careful where you go, it's definitely going to snow. Don't trust anyone you see and watch your feet when you pee. When you go out in the rain don't get hit by the train. And DO NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES read any rhymes or you'll die a horrible tragic death.

Don't expect a Happy New Year Libra. In fact, don't expect a Happy New You! People don't take to your New Year's Resolution/image make-over too well which will cause you to go into deep depression then back to your old self anyway. Back to the old you means back to your old problems. Your rotten ex comes back into your life causing you to lose your mind and move in with them into their equally rotten neighbourhood, where you are to be robbed on a regular basis. Your parents and friends DID tell you not to do such a silly thing, so of cause when you finally turn to them for support they are no longer there for you but instead helping your younger sibling with their upcoming wedding (and, can you believe it, as it turns out they're marrying your ex!) No, no one in the world for you now Libra. The New Year isn't looking too good for you at all!