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MAN RAY IN TOWN SQUARE; LATE PHOTOGRAPHER FEARED ALIVE

An unidentified man claiming to be renowned Dadaist photographer and filmmaker Man Ray staged a performance art piece in Courthouse Park yesterday afternoon.

If confirmed, this would be Mr. Ray's first public appearance since his death in Paris in November, 1976.

During the course of his hour-long exhibition, the performer disco-danced with a Boston terrier and challenged the small crowd of onlookers to fence with him using Hickory Farms Beef Sticks and celery stalks. Afterwards, he distributed autographed photographs of Sally Struthers.

The famed photographer's widow, Juliet Man Ray, denied that the performer was Mr. Ray. "We're both dead. Get a life," she stated via e-mail. Mrs. Ray passed away in 1991.

Most of those present at the performance expressed serious doubt that the performer was, in fact, Man Ray. "He had the Dada thing down -- the nihilism, the deliberate absurdity and rejection of context," said Rose Perring of Clovis. "But Man Ray would be over 110 years old, plus he's dead. I doubt he would really look that good in a brassiere and galoshes."

A few, however, were convinced. One woman who asked not to be identified stated that she had no doubt. "I mean, he was doing the Hustle and reeked of 'Hai Karate' aftershave. Nobody alive after the 1970s would do that."

Man shopping in town square, women's hobby feared endangered!

Anger and embarrassment ensued today in the usually sleepy town of Boston, Lancashire, where a man was seen, actively bargain hunting in the shopping centre.

Simon Harveys, a 41 year old bank manager from Twiddle Thropshot, was said to have been acting irrationally. Mr. Harveys was seen on numerous occasions, entering shops, spending inordinate amounts of time therein, finally emerging, having purchased nothing, before heading for a similar retailer elsewhere.

Miss Hayley Bugglethorpe, a trainee assistant deputy floor manageress, in Boston's leading department store, Artington's, was in mild shock, following an incident in which Mr. Harveys had discussed the problems of choosing the wrong shade of tie, prior to trying on seventeen different suits and later returning, claiming that none seemed to flatter him now that he'd reached that certain age. Miss Bugglethorpe, was reported to have said, "It's not right, it's only for us women isn't it? You never catch us down the pub, betting on who can pee the highest. It's an invasion of our space."

One onlooker later called the police, after becoming suspicious when she observed Mr. Harveys in the centre's trendy cafe, having a heated discussion with a colleague about a grey hair he had found.

Harveys was cautioned at the local police station, having been apprehended whilst trying to make an inconspicuous exit, he was caught scaling the fence of the nearby car-park. Harveys explained that "he had seen an advert for a new aftershave 'Hai Karate', in his magazine and had simply got carried away."

Chief Constable Nigel Spongs, later told me that Harveys had "promised to return to slouching in front of the television with a warm beer, half asleep and his feet up."

Neither Mr. or Mrs. Harveys were available for comment.

BOSTON - A cold wind blew over the newly painted park bench that Rick Hartigan used to call his second home. But, unlike so many Mondays of the past, commuters won't get a glimpse of the "Pigeon Man" today.

For years passers-by would see Mr. Hartigan shuffling along through the shady enclosure, spreading bits of bread crust to feed the area pigeons. Often luring them away from lunch time park guests, the "Pigeon Man" provided a valuable service to the community.

"We had a karate demonstration here not too long ago," reminisces Sadie Aunseid of Aunseid Kicks Martial Arts Club and Wicker Emporium. "Mr. Hartigan lured all those nasty birds away from our young competitors. He had a connection with those pigeons, like a kind of magic."

Late Sunday evening, the Boston 911 center received a call from an anonymous citizen. They reported seeing an old man dressed in a jogging suit and a long gray cape, climbing over the fence of the closed park. When police arrived on the scene, they searched the area. There was no sign of the man in question, yet near Mr. Hartigan's usual bench lay a smashed package of Wonder Bread, three scraps of gray cloth and a small pile of white feathers.

Audrey Pilsner, Mr. Hartigan's landlord, called the police later that night to report that her tenant had mysteriously disappeared. "If I'd told him once, I'd told him thousands of times, ya know, tracking that bird mess in the place. I was gonna give him one last chance, but his stuff was gone.”

Reports of blood stains on the bench were unconfirmed. As was the rumor of a message scratched into the bench seat reading, "Give a pigeon bread and he eats for a day, teach a pigeon to kill ..."

As a result of what police spokesman Samuel Elf (31) could only refer to as a “quirk” incident, the body of an unknown, elderly white Caucasian, discovered in the middle of the town square last Monday, is apparently only comatose and not dead.

“When he was delivered to the emergency medical care unit, all signs of life appeared to be gone”, said Dr. Ho Hosako, head of the Boston County Hospital and local karate instructor. “However, upon checking reflexes, the body proved responsive and was thus transferred to an intensive care unit.” He is now in a stable, although completely comatose condition.

In the meantime, investigations regarding the cause of the accident are continuing.

Investigators believe that the rotund, heavily bearded individual in question could probably belong to a religious sect. Being dressed in a red garment and smelling distinctly of deer droppings, the individual in question appears to have fallen from a great height. Luckily, his fall was broken by trees adjoining the town square and, according to paramedic Samantha Clausewitz (28), “his humongous girth”.

Upon questioning, police investigators admitted that they are still stumped as to the cause of events. “There are no large building from which he could have jumped,” said Detective Norton Polus (43). “We are investigating an aerial scenario, maybe involving a hang glider or a hot air balloon.”

In an unusual display of public sympathy, an number of bystanders visited the town square to lay down holly wreaths in remembrance of “the bouncing fat man”, as one of the little visitors affectionately called him. Police had to fence off the area surrounding the site and are asking people to refrain from feeding the score of reindeer which have been clustering around the area.

MAN SINGS IN TOWN SQUARE, BEATLES SONGS FEARED BUTCHERED!

"Hey Jude, refrain" goes the famous lyric. Local residents would like to tell 24 year-old John Davies to refrain from his activities, but he's not budging.

Two days ago, Davies began showing up at the town square and singing all day long. His repertoire is limited to Beatles songs only and he has been heard mercilessly brutalizing such classics as "Hey Jude", "Happiness Is A Warm Gun" and other Beatles hits, including some solo efforts of the Fab Four.

When approached by our field reporter and asked why he's doing this, Davies replied with "Ahhh look at all the lonely people". Upon further questioning he proclaimed himself the egg man and the walrus.

Attempts have been made to silence Davies but none have been successful. Among the wouldbe solutions tried were throwing tomatoes at him, threatening to sic Yoko Ono on him, and setting up stereo equipment to blare tunes from the Monkees to drown him out, but his ritual crooning continues unabated.

Residents are for the most part annoyed and fed up, though some are still on the fence. "He's not that bad a singer, I just wish he'd expand his set a little, maybe throw in some Boston. Boston rocks!" said local karate dojo master Harry Kim.

Though police say he is breaking no laws, local authorities are beginning to tire of his ceaseless singing. "I can't even listen to the White Album anymore!" said Officer Dan Smith, "he's totally ruined it!".

The surviving members of the Beatles could not be reached for comment. Reports say sounds of rolling have begun emanating from deceased members graves.

Man Dines in Town Square, Favorite Dessert Feared Stolen

WASHINGTON SQUARE - The weather was so pleasant on Tuesday afternoon, investment banker Nathan Jones decided to take his lunch in the park.

“I laid out my blanket in a shady spot,” said Jones. “It was the perfect set up for a picnic. I even brought a book and everything. It was really great.”

Until things went horribly, horribly wrong.

“I guess I got a little too involved in my book,” Jones continued. “When I finished my sandwich, I reached for some pie that I had brought with me, and it was gone!”

A group exercising nearby stopped their workout routine to offer their assistance in looking for Jones’ missing dessert. Susan Mellanby, Director of Susan’s Karate School, admits there was little the robe-clad search party could do.

“There was no sign of the pie anywhere.” she observed. “I mean, we must have looked for almost ten minutes. I feel really bad for the guy.”

Jones was clearly shaken up.

“I got that pie from the Rittenhouse Diner,” he explained as he fought back tears. “And it was Boston Crème. They make the best Boston Crème pie there.”

At one point, Ross Michaels, another member of the karate group, thought he noticed something.

“I was searching along the fence when I thought I saw some leaves rustling in the bushes. But when I poked through the branches, there was nothing there. Maybe it was just the wind,” surmised Michaels.

Further inspection by the karate group revealed a small tear in the fence. They passed this information along to Park Ranger Bill Reynolds.

“We are confident that we will apprehend the perpetrator of this crime,” Reynolds later announced. “We are rounding up all area squirrels for questioning. It’s only a matter of time, now.”

MAN SURFACES IN TOWN SQUARE, PARKING LOT FEARED RUINED

Don’t try to tunnel to Boston from Texas. That’s the message from the Arkansas State Police to the Didsbury family of Houston, who inadvertently popped to the surface of the Town Square Mall parking lot in Pine Bluff as they attempted to flee the crush of football fans swarming into their city for Superbowl. “Holy Heck, this is real embarrassing” exclaimed Chester Didsbury as his head, and the heads of his wife, two children and the family dog emerged from the cracked asphalt near a chain-link fence adjacent to the Mall. “We didn’t get very far. But hey, if we Didsburys are coming to ground this side of Boston, then this looks like just the place to do it. Friendly like, and real purty for a mall”.

Didsbury and his family live in a remote area north of Houston, and are well known locally for their disdain for large crowds and sporting events. “My wife Lurleen, she used to be real gregarious like, but she got spooked at a rodeo once, and hasn’t been the same since. That’s when I knew she was the gal for me. We had these here kids, Patsy and Gulliver after a spell, and now we’re just a normal family that don’t like crowds, but we’re real happy when we’re burrowin’ underground. Like a real family”.

Didsbury’s sister lives in Boston, and the family had hoped to drop in unannounced during Superbowl weekend. However, they ran into a shale outcropping south of Pine Bluff that forced them to the surface before they could continue north. “Heck, maybe we’ll stay right here. Patsy’s looking to get back to her tattin’, and Gulliver, why he wants to start doin’ karate again real soon”. Mall officials will seek compensation from the Didsburys for repairs to their parking lot.

MAN INCOMPREHENSIBLE IN TOWN SQUARE, CHRISTOPHER WALKEN FEARED MISSING

Police are baffled by the mysterious appearance last night in Town Square of an unknown man who has so far been unable to convey a single intelligible statement to Town health authorities. Adding to the mystery is his distinctive clothing, which is apparently identical to the original garb worn by Christopher Walken in the 1994 movie Pulp Fiction.

“We don’t have a clue what he is trying to say to us”, said Dr. Austin Boston, Pooter County’s Forensic Psychologist. “It seems that he might be some sort of actor or experienced public speaker. He uses familiar words, he enunciates very clearly in a somewhat Brooklynese accent, and he strings parts of speech together in a way that sound very much like actual sentences, but which have absolutely no meaning”. Dr. Boston demonstrated his point by reading a transcript of “pseudo-sentences” that the mystery man uttered during questioning last night: “I must pretend with all pestilence that heavy margarine cannot understate the plastic of my bodice. Please levitate if you perspire, or the fence of my nougat testicles will perish”. Dr. Boston added that extensive questioning had produced a handful of repeated phrases, and said that the man “appeared to want a toaster bath, or a sponge bath. If it helps us to understand this man’s plight, we will arrange to have my associate, Dr. Michiko Karate, submit him to a brief sponging in a clinical setting. The toaster bath, however, seems less do-able. We do not plan to pursue that option at this point in time”.

In unrelated Show Business news, Christopher Walken has not been seen by friends or family for almost three weeks. He left his home in late December, after telling his wife he was just going out to buy a pack of nylon kidneys.

Boston, MO- A man fell in the town square today, tripped apparently by his shoelaces. Bill Melater, 41, was stretching by the fence around the bandstand, per his usual routine, when, “I turned around to begin my morning walk, and just, ahem…” He trailed off, red-faced. “My ankle is sprained, and the doctor says it will take weeks for it to heal fully.”
Bill is not the only man to be felled by shoelaces in the town square. Last May, karate instructor Gho Long was running near the water fountain, when, according to the police report, he tripped over his left shoelace, which somehow wound itself around his right ankle. Mr. Long suffered a scrape, was issued a Spongebob bandage at the police station, and was driven back to his residence.
Our search for answers led us to the home of lifelong Boston resident Ruby Redchieks, renowned shoe expert. Ruby owns over 250 pairs of shoes, and is credited with the introduction of Converse Hightops to our respected town.
“Shoelaces are funny things. You think they’re tied, but when you least suspect it, one shoe goes flying in the air, causing damage to the rear end of the person in front of you, or worse, they make you trip, causing untold pain and humiliation. The best tips I have are always, and I cannot stress this enough,always double knot your laces, and if you can afford it, opt for Velcro fastenings.”
Excellent tips for our readers, but coming too late for Melater and Long. Perhaps now the pain of humiliation and scraped knees will cease in the town square, but for Melater and Long, it will take a lifetime of double knotting for the scars to heal.

Boston, MA

A local man (who obviously wished to remain anonymous) appears to be the latest victim of a new type of gang. As previously reported in this paper, groups of teens that consider themselves well versed in the ways of fashion have been stripping people of the clothes they wear and replacing them with what their calling card calls “a whole new look”.

The towny, who was first found wandering by City Hall, had his own thoughts about the attack. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Kids today are influenced by what they see. First that TV show, then video games and movies involving dressing up complete strangers. Kids just imitate what they see. I don’t know why they can’t be introduced to something healthier, like karate fights or heavy metal music instead of… this.” At the last word, he pointed down to his new outfit.

Of course, that left one question in this reporter’s mind. If this was such an affront, why was he still wearing the outfit?

Sheepishly, he replied. “Well, actually, I’ve received several compliments about how sharp I look. I still don’t approve of the actions, but perhaps I shouldn’t argue with the results. I guess I’m sort of on the fence about it.”

Such is often the case, report psychologists studying this phenomenon. Though they argue whether this is a way of people coping, or if the ‘victims’ are truly happier afterward. Regardless, they suggest that you be watchful, or else you might fall prey to these gangs yourself. This paper promises to stay on top of these stories as they develop.

By CHOW LIN FOO, Staff Writer

POTWIN, Ks. -- Sam Jenkins has always loved trying new things. When he heard about the new Golden Fish Chinese Buffet's grand opening last Saturday, Jenkins, 31, wanted to be among the restaurant's first customers.

Mr. and Mrs. Bill Chang, the owners of the restaurant, took special precautions to remove the stigmas often associated with Chinese dining, including erecting a fence between the buffet and the Animal World pet store next door. Says Chang, "We just didn't want anyone getting the wrong idea."

Despite these precautions, Sam Jenkins was startled to bite into a piece of sweet and sour chicken which, as he describes, "tasted decidedly unlike chicken." Lucy Li, a nearby resident, had reported her Boston terrier, Xiang, missing only hours prior.

"I'm happy that the Asian community is flourishing in Potwin," says Li, a karate instructor. "But I want my puppy back."

According to authorities, the connection between the two events is still unknown.

MAN JUMPED IN TOWN SQUARE, TERRORIST ACTIVITY FEARED MOTIVATION

AP New York – A man was arrested by authorities and later detained by the INS after he was seen jumping over a fence to cross the street.

The Department of Homeland Security alleges that the man, identified as Al Bin Jameen by local PD (but noted as Al Benjamin on all legal forms of identification), is connected with Iraqi, Libyan and North Korean terrorist organizations.

“We must be vigilant in protecting our country,” President Bush stated in a press conference later that evening, “The traffic light was clearly on ‘Don’t Walk’ and Al Bin Jameen blatantly unregarded the laws we have in place to protect the public.”

Bush continued, “There’s an old saying in Texas, ‘Why did the Terrorist cross the street?’ … I don’t remember how it goes but irregardless, I’m sure he was attempting to contact his Boston Al-Qaeda cell.”

Charlotte Walters, a 63 year old housewife and resident of Long Island, reported Bin Jameen to the local authorities when she, “saw something fishy about him. I knew he had to be one of those Alkaloids or what have you. He had those rings in his nose and those dreadlocks are what they make you wear in Afghania.”

“We have evidence that he may even know karate. He is clearly a threat to Liberty, Peace and Freedom™”, added President Bush.

MAN MISBEHAVES IN TOWN SQUARE, SAYS HE FEARED DADDY

Fourteen pelicans and a Girl Guide were injured yesterday evening in front of Town Hall, during a brief encounter with an enraged Roto Rooter employee who was distraught over the loss of his favourite drain snake. “I’ve had that particular piece of equipment for probably eight years”, wailed Boston Creampie, 37. “It was given to me by my daddy, and I promised I would take good care of it. Now it’s gone, and I hate myself.”

Creampie also expressed regret over the injury to Wanda Broccoli, 13, who was returning home following a cookie seminar. Ms. Broccoli, a Troop Leader with the Glendale Girl Guides, suffered a slight welt on her forearm as a result of Creampie angrily hurling a jar of Plumber’s Putty at a flock of several hundred pelicans that had gathered in the Town Square. “What are pelicans doing in the Town Square anyway? Aren’t there by-laws against this kind of thing?” The putty jar bounced off the back of an alpha male pelican and struck Ms. Broccoli’s arm as she raised it to protect herself. Fourteen of the pelicans experienced feather damage as Creampie forced them into the webbing of a construction fence that surrounds the City Hall sewer upgrade project. He had been tossing copper tubing at the birds, and threatening them with mock karate chops before initiating the putty jar incident.

Ms. Broccoli was hospitalized briefly, then released to the care of her parents. She declined to press charges against the remorseful Creampie, who later said, “She’s a nice girl. I feel like an idiot, and I think I even broke her cookie”. A police spokesman said that Mr. Creampie may still be charged with Pelican Endangerment, despite his obvious remorse over the incident.

Man Overacts in Town Square, Macchio's Career Feared Over

The falling star of child actor Ralph Macchio collapsed into a black hole as the annoying hero of the film "The Karate Kid" performed a one-man show in an ill-advised tour of New England.

The play chronicles the rise and fall of Hollywood legend Pee Wee Herman and is titled “One Too Many Matinees.” Macchio was not satisfied with merely bungling the acting. He also decided to write and direct the three-hour epic that should have been edited with a stick of dynamite. Most of the play’s scenes deserve elimination, especially the all too authentic climax.

Macchio's ham handed acting was woefully apparent despite the distance created by a fence intended to separate the performer from the apparently overestimated audience. Even the free admission could not entice more than a handful of observers who included a large contingent of the homeless.

A glance at the audience noted expressions similar to those seen when the city’s restaurants received a shipment of bad clams. Six-year-old Justin Smith best expressed the sentiment of the onlookers when he wailed, “I hate Pee Wee” to his mother as she attempted to block his escape.

Pat Morita, the beloved character actor and long time resident of Boston, declined to comment.

Man Befuddles in Town Square, Jesse Jackson Feared Outclassed

(BOSTON, AP) - A man in Boston's Town Square Saturday began speaking loudly to passers-by, gathering a crowd -- of laughing citizens.

"On the conditionary of anomositariation, I assertify
with the conclusism factoid that I am highly skillederer at publituciary speakitude!" the man bellowed.

Chris Tisrisen, a well-known karate instructor, noted,
"I was just coming around the fence when I heard this
guy speaking loudly followed by lots of laughter. Jesse
Jackson and this guy should have a run-off for the
worsterest conjufications."

When asked for comment by reporters, the man merely replied, "My fantastimonious presence as the besterest speechification deliverariumist, will be schedumicated next Thursday in the Biologiarist Laboratatric Room at the Massachussistic Institucalary of Technolalia."

Man Missing in Town Square, McArthur’s Park Feared Destroyed.

8:05 am: A freak summer storm began to fall on our sleepy town early this morning, drenching the town square and our newly-erected monument to World War II hero General McArthur. The unseasonal precipitation, combined with the unorthodox building materials used in the monument, resulted in a catastrophe unparalleled in our town’s history.
“I was jogging by that new statue, and it started wobbling a little, then the whole thing collapsed,” said 27-yo karate instructor Joaquin Boston. “Sweet green icing running down all over everything … I don’t know why they made the statue out of cake in the first place. Pretty stupid idea, now that you think about it.”
Authorities struggled to contain the rain-soaked cake, erecting a cyclone fence around the entire square. But despite all their efforts, at least one man is missing and may be underneath the mess. Rescue workers have suspended their search for a Mr. Wayne Newton, an entertainer, until the storm abates somewhat.
The developers and builders of the monument are, of course, devastated. “I don’t think that we can take it,” said a spokesman for Monumental Cakes. “I mean, it took so long to bake it, and we’ll never see that recipe again. Oh, no…”
An emergency meeting of the town council passed a referendum lamenting the folly of building a monument out of cake. The strongly-worded initiative calls for never again giving in to foolishness and also commissions designs for an Escalator to Nowhere, a Giant Magnifying Glass, and a Monorail.

MANHANDLED IN TOWN SQUARE, MICHAEL JACKSON FEARED ASSUALTED

TOWN SQUARE - Michael Jackson says he is still in pain from being put in police handcuffs last month and tells CBS's "on-the-fence documentary" that authorities "manhandled" him.

The pop star said he suffered a dislocated shoulder from the way he was cuffed and handled during his arrest on child molestation charges.

"It's hurting me very badly," Jackson said in an interview broadcast Sunday. "I'm in pain all the time. - I wish I knew karate" Jackson went on to say.

Representatives of the Santa Barbara County sheriff's department did not return a call seeking comment Sunday. District Attorney Thomas Sneddon has said Jackson was treated fairly while in custody.

Jackson denied the molestation charges against him in a partial transcript of the interview released Friday, and said he still believes it's acceptable to have children sleep in his bed.

Jackson has had his passport revoked, but Santa Barbara County sheriff's department has allowed him to travel to the UK, Boston and Phildephia to continue his lately realeased CD album 'Number Ones'.

MAN DROWNED IN TOWN SQUARE, OLD FOUNTAIN FEARED CLOGGED

Dan Smith, a 30 year old karate teacher visiting from Boston, was found dead in the Old Fountain that sits in the middle of the town square. Authorities currently believe that the gentlemen climbed the small fence that surrounds the fountain and was diving for change when his hair got sucked into the intake tube of the fountain. They believe the large amounts of change in his pockets weighed him down and the combination of events led to his drowning. Cliff Jablonski, the fountain caretaker was heard muttering, “I’m afraid the darn thing’s clogged now.”

MAN LOST IN TOWN SQUARE SEARCH PARTY FEARED INCOMPETENT

After a gruelling twelve-hour search that spread out through the city, the missing man John Keswick was found by his wife. Precisely where he was reported missing. Wife, Sue Keswick, says she feels the police search party was incompetent.

When John Keswick, 32 of East Reynella, was reported missing by his anxious wife the police organised a search party. After searching the Town Square where John was reported missing they began canvassing nearby areas. One investigator was even said to have started a search in Boston.

Police commissioner Charles Henwig when interviewed earlier today, claimed the difficulties stemmed from John being engaged in a fencing match and was unrecognisable beneath his mark. "When someone goes missing you don't expect them to fence immediately afterwards, I suppose people think we should have been looking for him in a karate uniform as well."

John Keswick refuses to make comment on the issue.

MAN DECOMPOSING IN TOWN SQUARE, COMES ALIVE FEARED ZOMBIE

A man who was found impaled on a fence was left unnoticed for days, authorities say. Police tell reporters that a teenage girl saw the body, but did not tell anyone.
While walking outside in her neighborhood of Boston, the girl walked into a narrow alley behind her apartment building, where she found the man, impaled on an iron fence. The girl finally came to authorities when she saw the man, two days later, still alive, struggling, on the same fence. When the police arrived on the scene, they were able to pull the man off, but pronounced him dead on the scene.
As paramedics were loading the body onto the ambulance, "the body began to rise, alive," says one of the paramedics in the ambulance, "he then jumped onto my partner and started tearing at his neck."
The man has been identified as Mark Calawell of Boston, Massachusetts. Calwell was a karate master and taught karate to children. Police are worried that if Calawell is violent, he will use karate to his advantage to kill again. Since the ambulance attack, Calawell has not been spotted, but authorities are looking into "dozens of cases, which have similar attributes" to the other murder.
"At this time," said the mayor of Boston, following a hysteria, "we will treat this as a homicide and as an anomilee of the medical world."

Bad luck or was his time up. A witness confirmed seeing the man sitting on a wall in the town square. Without notice the oval faced man rolled from the wall onto a fence post and than tried an elaborate round house karate kick resulting in a great fall. The deceased landed head first with a loud cracking noise. The witness then saw a large number of men riding horses from Graceland trying to resuscitate the man. One was heard to say "His head was crushed like an eggshell". The man was visiting from a rural area outside of Boston.
EIEIO.

Man atacked in town square, attacker's ribs feared missing

An shocking attempt at robbery was made in town square today afternoon. Mr. Warner, an elderly and influential man, was returning home from the bank, when suddenly, two youth jumped the town park fence and confronted him with knives. They knew that the man had enough cash in his pocket for them to chill out for the rest of their lives at Club Fed. What they didn't know was that Mr. Warner was the Boston state karate champion for 8 years running. Three kicks and a few hours later, when they woke up in the ICU ... they were seen planning to concentrate on hobbies which didn't require them to bend often.

MAN VOMITS IN TOWN SQUARE, FATAL NRRF FEARED RAMPANT

BOSTON, MO. A man whose name we cannot yet release was found today by the south fence of the town square. He appears to have died from the newly-discovered North Russian Respiratory Flu, which germinates with no symptoms for a week before causing severe nausea, which is so extreme the body cannot cope with it. It seems he was on his way to a karate class in the building on the east side of the square when he collapsed.