Whew! The tax return was mailed in the nick of time, and you don't have to think about it until next year. Except today's mail has a notice from the Internal Revenue Service, asking you to come to their office for an audit. And bring your receipts.The rules of the game are thus: Write a really bad line, or opening statement, for the tax auditor. How much trouble can you get yourself into? Remember, we're looking for original lines, here, not just something you've heard about somewhere else.Keep in mind that profanity is not acceptable. All entries must be in accordance with our text rules and guidelines. As always, quality is a must. You will have 7 days for this contest, so make your submission count.Word Limit: 50 words. Entries longer than 50 words will be disqualified.
See, my sister’s boyfriend’s mother’s cousin told her that she didn’t have to declare it when her situation was exactly like mine, well, except that she was doing volunteer work, so she didn’t actually get paid and mine wasn’t volunteer, but I thought it was close enough so I didn’t.
No, I didn’t actually add all the totals together. That would have taken forever to organize and file and add up. I estimated what I thought I spent. I mean, you do see the boxes of receipts there on your desk, don’t you?
“I brought my lawyer, my accountant and his lawyer with me this time because the last time I had to come see you guys I ended up needing all of them. That’s why I stopped filing at all for the last few years, seems easier just not to”.
Hitmen are not a legitimate business expense?
I paid the important taxes...
"Charitable contributions" - That means SMALL bribes yes?
I know you said to keep all my receipts, but my dealer said he didn't carry receipt books...
Yes, I did claim my 32 year old son on my income taxes as a dependent. He lives in my house; I put the clothes on his back, the food in his belly, and the roof over his head. The only contribution he’s made is to his growing beer gut.
"Like, my, like, sole source of, like, income, and like stuff, is, like, a tip jar at the bottom of my pole, do I, like, have to, like, keep track of that, or something?"
Just because my lousy good for nothing ex-wife has sole custody of our daughter and I haven’t paid child support in 6 years doesn’t mean I can’t claim my own daughter on my income taxes. She’s mine too!
My son dribbled on all my receipts, so the numbers may be a little blurry, a tad runny and illegible.
You’re telling me that my deductions exceeded the IRS target ranges? My dog had ten puppies and my cat had ten kittens. I was sure that family was deductible.
"Would you like the receipts from my drug-cartel business also?"
What do you mean, I have to pay taxes on my apiary? Let me ask you, boy, you ever had your drawers full of bees?
(Apiary = bee-house. Drawers = underwear)
The Great God Zortho bids you good day and demands to know what you wish with his handmaiden!
Not my problem buddy, it's your fault for parking in the tow away zone.
"My dependents? Yes, I realize they weren't reported before this year but that is because they are less than a year old. I have three babies: George, Tango and Kong. Here is a photo," she said as she handed the IRS auditor a picture of her three African chimps.
I just wanted you to know that the Porche and the yacht weren't purchased from income. I bought them with the $25 million in drug money I found buried in the basement.
Cyanide tastes like almonds.
"My home office is for my personal strip club."
"WHAT?"
"Err... My home office is for my worldwide strip clubs?"
"..."
"I don't believe in the concept of money, per say. Look at it this way: its just paper, who cares! My company searches to start a brand new concept: moneyless money!"
My receipts? Oh bro i use those to roll my joints? Could i maybe just smoke you guys up or something?
Here's the thing; I don't have the receipts to my egg painting buisness because, well, when the easter bunny was in here last week, he was a little disgruntled. And to make a long story short, let's say them, along with my office, are now “The hottest thing in town.”
"Mr. Smith, it's come to our attention that you owe us nine- million U.S. dollars..." " It wasn't me! My identity got stolen by... by... HIM!!!" " The fake plant?" "No the pot it's in..."
Look I can explain about those off shore accounts
'Knock' 'Knock'Door opens.. "TAX MAN"'CLICK'No thank you'BANG'Tax no problem!
"Hey mum, good job the last IRS guy was a right idiot, turns out this one is too, anyways don't tell him a run a buisness but only pay tax for half the stuff! Bye"