What Not To Say to Santa Claus

You are red and fat and never shave,
Yet you judge the way us kids behave!
We send you letters you never read,
As we never get what we told you we need!
Stop the pretence, it's easier to believe,
You just stay in the pub on Christmas Eve!

Dear Santa,

I want a new huntin rifle. One with a long distance scope.
Also, can you take off real slow so I can try it out?
That deer with the red nose is gonna look real nice on the wall of my trailer.

Signed,
Billy Bob

Dear Santa:

This marks the tenth straight year that I’ve requested a Playboy bunny for Christmas. Please rest assured that if my request is ignored this year, next Christmas instead of milk and cookies you will be feasting on reindeer stew and elf punch.

Sincerely yours,

Buford

You know, after you finished up here last year, several tiles were missing from our roof and the chimney was cracked. Now, I could always call the insurance company but I was thinking perhaps you and I could make some sort of arrangement - with the gifts and all?

Dear Santa,
You remind me of my ex-husband. He worked one night a year and the rest of the time thought he was the king on a reign, dear.

Dear Santa,

I saw you kissing mommy last year. So you better bring me a pony and the entire Pretty Princess Playset. Or else I will tell daddy where my little brother Lou really came from.

Love
Cindy

Attention Fatty! The cookies and milk were a gesture. I was assuming the quality and quantity of the cookies I left would be directly related to the quality and quantity of gifts I would receive. Since this is clearly not the case, you will not be receiving cookies next year.

Just let me set this straight:
I was cleaning the gun like Pa asked, and it accidently went off. The bullet went through Pa, the dog, and Mrs. Smith from next door. Mrs. Smith (she’s fat) landed on Sis and killed her too.
But I was just doing my chores!

"I don't see how I made the naughty list. I was only saving that infant from a lifelong addiction to sweets and an inevitable amputation of a foot due to diabetes. It was just bad parenting on the mother's part. She should be on that list, not me!"

Don't you think seventeen years worth of coal is a bit much?

Santa,

Mom didn't tell me that you'd know if I've been bad or good until JUST last week, AFTER we set my neighbor's cat on fire. You can't count that OR anything before December, that's not fair.

P.S. Left you tofu and celery; Mom says obesity leads to depression.

That was supposed to be between me, Comet and Cupid. And maybe Blitzen... and Donner if you want to get technical about it. How was I supposed to know Vixen was a minor? God Rudolf's such a tattle-tale.

Hey there Santa, I don't mean to be a nuisance, but I spent a great deal of time cleaning this house today. I would really appreciate it if, when you were finished traipsing around the floor, you could sweep up after yourself. Thanks Santa! You're a pal!

"Naughty? Nice? I'm the guy with the gun."

Dear Santa:

Please enjoy this milk, cookies and venison.

I hunted the raindeer specially.
This one must have been special, it was flying around with a red nose.

The Tooth Fairy told me you would be greedy but come on...those carrots were for your reindeer.

Santa,
My presents really sucked last year. Could you maybe give me something that doesn't blow? I know you can see me, so how are you so ridiculously ignorant. I WANT A NEW X-BOX 360 ELITE YOU RETARD!!! Don't give me some cheap crap either. I want U.S. made.

"You know what, Santa? It's the night before Christmas, and all through my house, not a creature is stirring...UNTIL YOU BROKE INTO MY HOUSE!"

'Y'know, I've never tried reindeer meat...but Donner and Blitzen look like they'd make a lovely main course. You'd be invited, naturally...'

I had a reindeer steak the other day, and I loved it! Will try for some paté, too, if I get my hands on it.
Now, as for my wish list....

Dear Santa,
The neighbors added another 15 elves to their front yard. They're ghastly!
Can I have a shot gun for Christmas, so I can shoot them to smithereens?

Forever yours,

Um, your lap is quite damp...

“Look, Santa, you can either give me that shiny red bicycle for Christmas or I can show those pictures of you at the motel on St. Patrick’s Day to Mrs. Claus, it’s your choice and I think you’ll make the right one.”

Dear Santa,
Our class at school has been learning about how people should watch their weight, especially old people. So I left you a lean cuisine in the microwave instead of cookies this year, because all those sweets aren’t good for you.

Merry Christmas!
Penelope (size 2)

Dude, milk is cow pus and with a BMI higher than your age, you better forget those cookies. Oh, and last year I had a really bad asthma attack and my mom said it was the third hand smoke from that pipe of yours. What’s in that thing, anyway?

Santa, I only kicked your elf in the shin because he kept trying to take my picture. I'm sure he's ok. Besides, he smells like my father does when he comes back from the bars.

Dear Santa,

I'm sorry about Prancer, but did you like the venison I left for you last year?

This year I want a NEW elephant-gun with fifty-to-one scope and extra ammo.

Sincerely yours,
Suzy

Little Boy: I love you, Santa. You are NOT an ugly, unshaven, overweight idiot that mummy says you are.
Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho! Thank you, little boy. You are kind and considerate and deserve a good gift this year.
Little Boy: Awesome! Could you make it something really expensive... thanks, Dad!

Naughty, of course I haven’t been naughty. I admit the photo looks a little bit like me, but with the feathers, peanut butter, the hockey stick and snorkel, you can’t really be sure. Anyway, even if it was me, which it isn’t, that’s legal in most states.

I'm running kind of low on lumps of coal.

You think Tiger has it bad? I get the Barbie dreamhouse or Mrs. Claus get all of your text messages to the elves. Your choice. What'll it be?

Gosh Santa you have really aged in the past year. Ever consider plastic surgery?

We ate the milk and cookies... you really didn't need them anyway. I have some fresh cantelope if you really are hungry though!

Dear Santa, I want a hookah, a bowl of da kine, a case of beer, and some Cuban cigars......oh yea, my sister wants a Barbie.

"Dear Santa,
you know I was naughty while being nice to you, give me something good and I won't tell Mrs. clause."

Dear Tooth Fairy...

Hey Santa. My gift better be better then that piece of junk you gave me last year, or else I am going to post the movie of you and my mum on uTube.

Hand over a Furby or Blitzen cops it.

Hey fatty! I saw you kissing Mummy, now Im going upstairs to wake Daddy and he's going to break your legs.

Dear Santa,

Understanding you have indulged greatly this season, I'd like to inform you that my desired Lamborghini has 560 horsepower. So fear not, for it can handle the tremendous mass of your paunch and will not slow you down as you drive it to my house.

Yours Sincerely,
LurkerPatrol

Yo Santa, ye ol' gangsta. Ye wanna buy some angel dust for Rudolph? Must be the only way to get that ol' groundhog back into air!

Care for some Reindeer Jerky?

"That better not be coal you are sticking in my stocking... If it is I’m going to take that lump of coal and shove it up your bum so that you crap me out a diamond!"

Hey Santa, no cookies for you this year or you won't fit through the chimney, you fat pig!

"Santa, could you tell me why I saw you on the Megan's Law list?"

Please, Mr. Santa Claus, do follow me to my dad's workplace. You will need to have a good shave and dye your snow-bleached hair. Don't you worry, my dad is the best barber in the world!

I told my little sister not to cry on yesterday because I ate her last candy. Mr. Santa Claus, can you offer me her candies so that she can save up her tears to beg for a bigger Christmas present from daddy and mummy?

Dear Santa,
My name is timmy. I am seven years of age, and have been a very good boy this year! My only Christmas wish this year is for you to stuff it santa clause. Just go down that chiminy, and stuff it! Merry christmas Santa.

Love,

Timmy

"I better have my nice sled under the tree on Christmas and I'm sick of hearing those gay reindeer on my roof you big mick".

Santa,
The lump of coal last year was an outrage! I am never naughty! But NO - You allow unnecessary power and eploitation of elfs warp your mind! Also, I have sent a lump of coal - which is truely deserved! It seems Easter Bunny is not your only enemry!

Santa, you don't get no cookies, i'm eating the extra long twinkie already.